


...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead

by Sashataakheru



Series: '...And You Will Know Us' Archangel AU [5]
Category: The Move, Wizzard
Genre: Ableism, Alternate Universe - Archangels, Alternate Universe - Trans, Body Dysphoria, Community: au_bigbang, D/s, Death, Delusions, Hurt/Comfort, Jewish Arcangels, Judaism, M/M, Mental Illness, Misgendering, Multi, Other, Otherkin, Psychosis, Rape and Sexual Assault References, Restraints, Service Submission, Suspension, Transphobia, Wax Play, Whipping, collaring, cross-dressing, psychiatric care, religious observance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-10
Updated: 2012-08-10
Packaged: 2017-11-11 20:18:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 60,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/482524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As an incarnate Archangel, Azriel, the Archangel of Death, is not at all used to living a human life. The body xe's been born into is weak and struggles with the presence of the Archangel's soul. Wracked with madness, Azriel does xyr best to survive in a world xe barely understands, chasing Domspace in bondage clubs as a way of coping. Watched over by Lucifer and Rafa'el, they try to guide Azriel to where xe's meant to be, hoping the Archangel will have the courage to do what's being asked of xem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for AU Big Bang round three. See [Master Post](http://3evilmuses.dreamwidth.org/49350.html) for art links, and complete author's notes.

There was always only one person that stood out at the Den: xyr name was the Avenging Archangel, or so xe called xemself. The Archangel's speciality was sensation play and sensory deprivation. Xe had a special knack for inflicting altered states of consciousness on xyr submissives; some had even likened the experience to death and rebirth if they were subjected to a particularly prolonged session. It made the Archangel very popular. Every submissive, and even a few Doms, had made sure to bow to the Archangel at least once, just to experience what it was like to be the servant of an Archangel and be born again. They wanted to know what it was like to be that close to God.

The Archangel was in the middle of the main room, wings blazing out behind xem. They were real, too, though the Archangel had no idea how many people could see them. Xe usually didn't bother to ask. The whip felt wonderful in xyr hand, nice and heavy with enough bounce to be a good one. The man tied to the St Andrew's Cross was one of xyr favourite subs, a dark-haired lad named Trevor. The Archangel had already covered part of his back with red marks. Xe was keen to add some more and start to take him deeper into subspace and trance. But just as xe went to whip him, xe became aware of whispering coming from behind xem. It was the sort of whispering xe hated, the sort that always made xem feel incredibly anxious and paranoid.

Lowering the whip, the Archangel turned to look at everyone else, all the other bears, cubs, subs, Doms, and Daddies who had been watching, and wondered what they were whispering to each other. Xe felt like their eyes were burning right into xem as they stared at xem. It didn't help that xe saw a few men shaking their heads in disgust, as if they suddenly couldn't stand the sight of xem.

"What's wrong? Is it me wings? I - I never know who can see 'em, but I can make 'em invisible if I-"

The Archangel was interrupted by Marcus, the club manager, who gently took xem aside, away from the staring crowd. The Archangel had no idea what was going on, and xe was beginning to get panicky. The club was the only safe space xe had left after everyone else in xyr life had abandoned xem. But the voices were coming back now, whispering their betrayal, as if they had always expected this to happen.

Marcus gently rested a hand on xyr arm. "Look, Ace, I like you, I really do, but this can't go on anymore. The boys are getting concerned. Word's got around about your - you know. Your illness. They don't want you playing anymore. Look, it's nothing personal, but you know the rules. They're concerned you might not always be able to consent, and I have to abide by that. You can't guarantee that, you know you can't. It's for your own safety as much as anyone else's. I don't want any of those bastards taking advantage of you if you come here feeling a bit vulnerable. You understand that, right? You're not angry?"

The Archangel pulled away sharply, a panicked look on xyr face. "No. Please, Marcus. This is the only sane place I have left. Don't take it away from me. Please. I need this place. I need Domspace. Don't cast me out again. I can't bear it."

The Archangel suddenly looked a lot smaller as xe curled up in fear, xyr wings curling around xyr body protectively. Xe had been kicked out of clubs before, and every time it had happened - and it always happened sooner or later - it had sent any progress xe'd made back at least six months. It took a long time for xem to recover from the rejection, even with the psychiatric treatment xe was getting.

Marcus did feel sorry for Ace - it would be hard to lose his best drawcard and his most popular Dom - but he was doing the best he could. He ran a bondage club, not a psychiatric ward. He was in no mind to scare off most of his loyal members by letting the mad Dom stay. He hadn't wanted to make the decision, but his hand had been forced. He had no choice. The Archangel couldn't stay any longer. He reached for Ace, but pulled away at the last minute.

"I'm sorry, Ace, I really am, but what can I do? The lads aren't happy, and I can't just chase everyone away just for you. It's just how things are. You know you can't always consent. I've tried to accommodate that. When you come in here, and your mind's all in a haze, you know I don't let you play. I don't want you getting hurt, and I'm afraid that'll happen if you keep coming here. I can't protect you forever. I'm sorry."

The Archangel got to xyr feet and half-heartedly shoved Marcus away. The look of terror on xyr face wasn't one Marcus had seen in a long time.

"No! Be it on your head then! Your souls will never be saved, not by me! Find yer own bloody way to Heaven!"

There was one last sorrowful, frightened look before the Archangel cleared out, fleeing through the club and out to the street. They didn't see xyr tears. Xe hid them too well. The street was dark and cold, though, with not enough light to be comfortable. Xe was glad xe had xyr wings. They glowed bright white, and illuminated the path beneath xyr feet as xe walked. And xe was walking then as xe turned xyr back on the traitors and headed home.

"Ace! Ace, wait! Where you going? Everything alright?"

The Archangel ignored the voice behind xem. Xe didn't want to talk to anyone from the club. They were all traitors. They'd all discovered xyr secrets and betrayed xem. Xe could not believe they had taken xyr only safe space from xem. What would xe do now? Where else would xe find sanity? Xe kept walking, hoping to be home soon. Home was safe. Home was all xe had left. Until Trevor caught up with xem, grabbing xyr arm as he pulled up beside xem.

"Ace, hey. Are you alright? Only I saw you leave and I wondered if they'd upset you," Trevor esaid, glancing over at xem.

"Traitors, the lot of you. Unhand me, slave, you foul demon! A curse upon your soul for all eternity!" the Archangel said, wrenching xyr arm free.

The Archangel walked faster, trying to get away from him. Xe knew the power of xyr words and what they would do, but in that moment, when the world was out to get xem, xe didn't care. Xe might've been xyr favourite submissive, an old friend xe was still fond of, but he was just like the rest of them, whispering xyr secrets to anyone who'd listen. The one who'd got xem kicked out of xyr favourite club. Xe never went anywhere else. It was the only place xe felt safe.

Huddling into xemself, xe fought back xyr tears as xe walked, hoping the Archangels would let xem get home safely. Xe would stay home and hope this didn't trigger another episode. Xe could already hear the voices again, like a swarm of flies xe could never be rid of. _Not good enough!_ , they whispered. _Indulging in that perverted filth_ , another said, disapproval smacking into xyr heart, _your mother would be so ashamed._

On and on they went, whispering madness. It was coming on again. Xe could feel it. Xe was on the edge between sanity and madness, about to topple off the edge into oblivion. Xe paused on a corner and screwed xyr eyes shut, letting out an almighty scream as if it might be enough to chase them away. But it didn't work. Head bowed to the ground, xe walked on, unsure what xe was going to do now.

 

The Archangel opened xyr eyes. The ceiling above xem was far too familiar. Xe remembered the dark stain in the corner, the broken cornice, and the cracks spiralling out from the light-fitting, as if threatening to open a portal to another dimension if it ever fell down. There was a spider there now, curled up inside its web. The Archangel sighed. So xe was back here again. That explained a lot.

Stiffly, xe sat up, shifting so xyr wings were more comfortable. They provided a good soft barrier to lie against if xe did it properly so xe wasn't leaning against the delicate bones. Xe'd broken them once. That had been unlike any pain xe'd ever experienced. Falling from the sky, xe'd crashed to Earth and broken a wing. It still hadn't really healed properly, and the scar tissue clung to the wound site like an unwanted pest.

The Archangel looked down, gazing absently at xyr trembling hands. Xyr mind was blank. Xe couldn't remember anything that had happened after leaving the club. Thinking about that brought xyr anxiety back. Xe'd been kicked out, banned from the only place xe'd ever felt safe. What was xe going to do now? Xe could never tell xyr therapist, though. He didn't approve of bondage; he thought it was another kind of illness, some sort of sex disorder, and the Archangel apparently had plenty of those. Xyr therapist didn't really believe many of the things the Archangel knew to be true, but he pretended to care, even though all it did was make the Archangel hate him.

Xe wanted to wander around, to get out of the bed xe'd been stuck in for however many days it had been since xe'd been brought here, but xe suddenly couldn't move. It took xem a while to work out xe'd been restrained. Not heavily, not so much xe could not move at all, but it was clear xe was not leaving xyr bed. The restraints had been padlocked. Xe lay back down again, depressed, trying to prepare xemself for another long stint in hospital.

 

"Christina -"

It had come out of nowhere, a shock to the system xe hadn't been prepared for. The Archangel shot a look towards whoever had used that name for xem. "Don't you _dare_ use that name. That's not who I am. I'm the Archangel. I'm Ace. But I'm not - _her_. That's not my name."

The nurse approaching xem didn't seem to hear xem. "It's time for your therapy, Christina. You've got a session with Dr Trethscott now."

The Archangel covered xyr ears and stamped xyr foot against the ground. "No. Not Christina. Horrible name. Not my name. Don't you _dare_ use it again."

"Oh, don't, Mary, she's got issues with names. Just call her Ace. That seems to work. Whether or not you believe her, you're just distressing her now," the Archangel heard another voice whisper.

The Archangel had sunk to xyr knees. Xe was fighting back tears at their inability to understand what xe was and how to talk to xem the way xe preferred. But it was always like this. No one ever accepted that xe was always meant to be not-a-girl, even if xe couldn't articulate exactly what not-a-girl actually meant. Usually xe grudgingly accepted 'male' even though it wasn't right. Xe would accept male pronouns and use a male name because society just did not understand how to cope with someone who was neither a boy nor a girl, or even human. Xe had no language that anyone understood to say what xe needed to say. Xe had no gender that xe could articulate.

"But I'm not a girl! I'm not! Don't call me that!" xe cried as they helped xem to xyr feet.

"Of course you are. Come on, time for your session. You can tell the doctor all about it," the nurse said.

The Archangel didn't like being manhandled, but xe did stop fighting them. Xe kept forgetting xe had no freedom when xe was in hospital. Xe never got to do anything by choice. It was do what they said and behave. Take your pills, go to therapy, and conform to whatever it was they wanted you to be. Xe sometimes suspected they had Ideas about how crazy people were meant to behave, just as they had similar Ideas about normal people were meant to behave, so if xe didn't fit their conception of crazy, they made life difficult for xem. Sometimes xe had to exaggerate more than xe wanted to, but when xyr doctor didn't believe most of what xe told him anyway, xe felt no guilt about it.

The nurses held an arm each, holding xem firmly as they walked back to the doctor's room. Xe wasn't entirely sure they were doing it just to be nice; it was another way of making xem go to therapy. Ace folded xyr wings back as best xe could so they didn't get caught on anything. Xe wished xe could shrink them so they fit better, but that wasn't possible. Xe flinched as one of the nurses brushed against them, and tried not to panic. They held xyr hands as they walked, stopping the trembling just for a moment.

The Archangel was taken to a room. Xe knew that room far too well. Xe hated it. It had horrible grey carpet and torn lace curtains. The doctor sat behind a desk made of tree trunks, with little fairies flitting in and out of it. Xe didn't like those fairies. They teased xem every time xe was in there, like glittery wasps flying about xyr head.

"Ah, Ace, you're here. Come, take a seat," Dr Trethscott said, gesturing for xem to sit. A grey-haired man of about forty, he spoke in an infuriatingly calm manner that the Archangel had always disliked. He was constantly pushing his glasses up his nose with the tip of his pen as he sat there making notes about xem.

The Archangel gazed over xyr shoulder as the nurses closed the door and left xem alone. Tentatively, xe sat down on one of the chairs, folding xyr wings around it so xe was comfortable. Xe stared at the floor, not wanting to make eye contact with the fairies in case it made them fly over to xem.

Dr Trethscott pulled up a chair beside xem. "So, what brought you in this time? Do you remember anything that happened before the episode?"

Ace shook xyr head, refusing to speak about it. "Just - madness in me 'ead. All dev'lish madness. How long have I been here? I can't remember."

Dr Trethscott sat back. "You were voluntarily admitted here four days ago. You were psychotic when you came here in the middle of the night. I'm surprised you managed to get here in one piece. I haven't seen you so deeply psychotic before. I hope this isn't a new development. You may not get out of here if this continues. I'd hoped we were making more headway than that."

The Archangel tried not to look miserable. "I thought you were meant to be making me better. You said I would get better. I don't want to stay here. I hate it here. You never half believe me anyway. I could make up things about fairies and dragons and you'd still think I was mad."

"I don't want you here anymore than you want to be here. I know it's disruptive for you, particularly when you're here for weeks on end. I'd rather have you living out there on your own, and I still think you can do that, but not if you're regressing. We'll need to get a handle on that psychosis and work on getting you better," Dr Trethscott said. "We had to get rid of your clothes though, the ones you were wearing when you came here. They weren't in good condition. You were in such a state. It took us a long time to bring you back. Would you like me to call anyone to bring you anything from home? Some of your own clothes, perhaps? Normally your voluntary admittances aren't so disorganised."

Ace thought a moment. Did xe know anyone? Did xe know anyone xe trusted enough to let into xyr house without xem being there? Was there even anything xe could live without while xe was here? "No, there's no one. I'm all alone. Can't trust any of them. They betrayed me. They figured out all my secrets."

Dr Trethscott pushed up his glasses as he considered xem. "I'm sure that's not true. What about that friend you told me about before? You said his name was Trevor, is that correct? You seemed to like him a lot. He didn't betray you, did he?"

The Archangel hadn't expected that merely hearing Trevor's name would trigger xem. Xe curled up, hands over xyr ears, as xe remembered him. "He came after me - after they... They were whispering. They knew. They know I'm mad. They were staring at me. I'm not real to them anymore."

"We've talked about those delusions before, haven't we, Ace? You understand they're delusions, don't you? They're not real. They're just your mind going wrong, telling you things that aren't true. You're not a boy, you're not an Archangel, you're just a girl who's had a hard time of it. You're sick. We'll keep you here until you're better, alright?" Dr Trethscott said.

The Archangel did not like hearing that. "But I keep coming back here. Why haven't you made me better yet?"

There was a weary disappointment in the doctor's voice as he spoke. "If you'd just let go of these delusions, we'd be able to make you better. You've stopped taking your medication again, haven't you?"

"They were poisoned. Can't trust doctors. They're all trying to kill me. I threw them all away. Evil pills. Evil, evil pills," the Archangel murmured, refusing to look at him.

"What about me? Am I trying to kill you?"

"I don't know. I don't know."

The Archangel curled up, burying xyr head under xyr arms. Xe was not ready for this sort of interrogation just yet. Xe wrapped xyr wings close around xem, hoping no one would be able to see xem. Xe had no idea who xe could trust anymore. The voices weren't helping. They contradicted each other. Xe couldn't even rely on them to tell xem what was going on.

"What's going on, Ace? Are you alright? Why don't you lie down and we'll talk about what happened."

The Archangel did not like these stupid questions, but xyr capacity to resist was rapidly shrinking. If xe'd really voluntarily admitted xemself, xe might at least have to act like xe wanted to get better. Which xe did, but xe didn't want him to know that. Wiping xyr tears away, xe nodded as xe got up and made xyr way to the sofa. Xe lay down on xyr stomach, giving xyr wings space to fold up neatly without squashing them, and stared at the wall ahead.

"Let's go over what happened this time. You said you'd been betrayed. What happened to make you think that? What did they do to betray you?"

"I had friends, I really did. I needed them to keep me grounded, but they've gone now. They don't want me there. They found out I'm mad and cast me out again. I don't know what to do. Where do I go? I've got no one I can trust. I'm so afraid. I lie in bed and I'm terrified of shadows. Like you don't even know. Horrible scary shadows. They're alive, you know? They come to life and slip out of the walls. I've seen 'em. They crawl about and read my mind at night. Steal all my thoughts and dreams. I can't sleep or they'll know everything. I just can't. I keep the lights on to keep them away, but it doesn't always work. Not even Ha-Shem can keep them away sometimes and they crawl all over me, devouring my mind. There's no one I can trust so I have to endure it alone. Because I can't trust them anymore. That's how it's always been. All I do is stay home. I'm too afraid to go out. Because you said I've got that S word. I can't tell anyone. As soon as they hear that word, that's all they ever see. They don't see anything else. They avoid me, stare at me, they exile me. I'm broken. They keep telling me I'm broken. I'm broken, aren't I? That's why I'm here. There's nothing I can do about it. What am I supposed to do? I can't trust anyone. No one understands me. No one wants me to live. They stare at me as if they want to kill me. I don't know how to make it stop. I just want them to leave me alone," the Archangel said, speaking softly and sadly.

Dr Trethscott looked concerned. "Have the hallucinations been getting more serious lately? If you can't sleep, we could try some sedatives or sleeping pills, to see if that helps. Some of my other schizophrenic patients seem to get better when they have regular sleeping patterns, so it might work for you too. So tell me again about what happened recently before the last attack. Why do you think your friends have betrayed you? Why did they cast you out?"

The Archangel squeezed xyr eyes shut, trying not to cry. "I'm not safe anymore. I'm not safe anywhere. They rejected me, just like everyone else does."

"Who rejected you? Why would they reject you?"

"I don't know. I don't know! I try to be friends with them, I try to be nice, but they look at me like I'm a demon, and I'm not. I'm not a demon, I swear. I'm an Archangel. Can't they see that? Can't they see the light of Ha-Shem? They told me to go away, tried to make me go away so I'd be safe, but they don't understand. They never did. They don't know how safe I felt there, but they didn't listen. They don't care," the Archangel said.

"I'm sure they do care. We've been over this before. Whatever you think they've done, it's not true. They just want you to be alright. You're the one pushing them away, Ace. I've seen it before with other patients like you. You're too scared of other people, you can't trust them, so you deliberately push them all away. But they haven't done anything. They haven't betrayed you. Remember what we talked about last time, about thinking through these thoughts rather than just accepting them at face value."

The Archangel just began to cry. The doctor wasn't making any sense. Words were slipping away, and xe was getting scared again. Xe curled up against the wall, hands clasped over xyr ears, as xe tried to silence the voices in xyr head. They were yelling at xem, scolding xem for telling too much. _Demon_ , they called xem. _Fallen Archangel. Not fit for Heaven. Wretched creature._

"No! No, I'm not! I'm not evil!"

It was the last thing xe remembered. After that, all that existed was a cacophony of noise and explosions all over the walls.

 

The Archangel came to in a padded room. Every inch of xyr body ached, and xe struggled to sit up. Xe had not been restrained this time, though, which brought xem great relief. Perhaps they had listened the last time they'd tried to keep xem restrained and decided the distress wasn't worth it. The room was smaller than the last one though, and xe spent a moment trying to calm xemself down and convince xemself the walls weren't closing in on xem.

Slowly, xe got to xyr feet. Xe held a hand to xyr head as pain blasted down through xyr temple and down xyr neck. Xyr body was trembling, xyr muscles twitching like they always did, and standing up proved to be quite hard. Supporting xemself against the wall, xe made xyr way to the door and peered out through the small window. Xe could see no one else around. Xe wasn't sure when they'd come for xem, and tapped on the window.

"Hey, is anyone out there? Can I get out of here, please? When can I go home?"

Xe stood there for several minutes, waiting to see if anyone would come past, but no one did. With xyr knees about to give out on xem, xe left the door and sat down again. Xe'd just have to wait.

Xyr body felt weak and exhausted. The twitching didn't help. It was half the reason xe sometimes stopped taking xyr medication. Sometimes, it got so bad xe couldn't do much else but amble slowly around the house, and sometimes, xe couldn't even manage getting out of bed. Being unable to control xyr own body felt like just another failure. Going without xyr medication didn't make the twitching go away, but it did make it bearable. Sometimes, it was a price worth paying, even if it gave the voices free reign to ruin xyr life.

Xe looked at xyr palms as xe sat there. With what little concentration xe had left, xe made the faint outlines of black eyes appear in the middle of xyr hands, but they quickly faded. The energy to sustain them was beyond xem.

The Archangel could still feel xyr wings, though. They hung heavy against xyr shoulders, folded neatly as usual. Xe wrapped them around xyr body, trying to keep xemself warm. The sensation of soft feathers against xyr skin was comforting, and xe lay down, wrapping xyr wings around xemself as much as xe could. Xe stared ahead at nothing, lost in xyr mind.

 

They came to get xem the next morning. Ace tolerated the humiliation of being held down and given another shot of antipsychotics before xe was allowed to leave the room. It was the price xe paid for getting out of there. Nothing ever felt better than being out of that room. Xe went across the corridor to find the nearest window. Xe needed to see the sky again, even though it was grey and cloudy, rain spattering on the glass. Xe could feel the black eyes on xyr palms again, but kept them hidden, pressing them against the glass.

Seeing the sky always hurt. Xe could feel xyr wings aching to fly again as xe stood by the window, but xe knew it would never happen, not while xe was still stuck in a human body. With the eyes still burning into xyr palms, the urge to break through the glass and soar up into the sky and fly back to Heaven was palpable. Xe wanted to feel the wind on xyr face, to feel that freedom again as xe flew through the air. As an Archangel, xe was free to go wherever xe pleased. That desperate yearning never went away. Xyr wings were a constant reminder that xe was grounded and helpless, stuck in a broken body that didn't work properly.

A nurse came and touched xyr shoulder gently, coming to stand beside xem. Nancy was one of the more sympathetic nurses, and knew Ace well. She had more time for xem than most. "We've got to take you back to your room now, Ace. Dr Trethscott will come by to see you there."

"Why is it always so hard?" Ace murmured. "He'd better not call me a girl again, though. I'm sick of him doing that. Not everything about me is a delusion."

"Give him time, Ace. He's not used to you. You challenge everything he thinks he knows about transsexuals, about schizophrenics, about everything. I'll mention it to him again, though, just so he doesn't distress you. Is it still alright to refer to you as male?" Nancy said.

Ace sighed. "As long as it's not 'it' again. I'm not a fucking 'it'. I'm not a thing. I still haven't quite forgiven him for that. I don't really like male pronouns either, but it's all he understands. It's better than 'it'. Besides, since he started letting me transition, I feel like if I don't accept male pronouns, he really will think it's just a delusion. I'm meant to want this, but sometimes I really don't. I just want to be androgynous."

She took xyr arm gently and Ace allowed her to lead xem away from the window. "I know, Ace. I'll take you out to the gardens afterwards if you like. I know you like it out there."

"Anything to see the sky again. I've been inside too long. I'm feeling claustrophobic again," Ace said, walking slowly beside her.

 

Ace sat down on xyr bed, exhausted by the walk back to xyr room. Nancy tended to xyr records, adding xyr latest shot to the medication notes. Once she was done, she sat down beside xem.

"I've been doing some research for you. Last time you were here, you were still looking for some gender-neutral pronouns. Well, I found a few for you. I don't know if you'd want any, but they do exist, even if only in academic journals. I went with my sister to her university library, and she showed me where to look for them. Would you like me to bring my notes down once you're done with Dr Trethscott?" Nancy said.

"Oh, you didn't have to go to so much trouble for me. But you said someone's made up some gender-neutral pronouns? Really? I didn't think any existed. I don't know if I could get everyone in here to use them though. Most of them don't believe me when I tell them I have no gender," Ace said.

"Well, I believe you. I thought you might appreciate knowing about them. Even if no one else uses them, I will, if you pick some you like. I've never thought it right to distress you by not referring to you the way you want to be addressed. That's hardly going to help you get better," Nancy said.

Ace glanced over at her. "Thanks. I think I'd go mad in here if I didn't have you around."

She laughed, and Ace did too, just a little, chancing a smile. Xe was glad she was there. Xe was glad she believed xem. She might've just been a nurse, xe might only ever see her when xe was in hospital, but the fact that one person believed xem meant the world to xem. It didn't kill xyr sense of isolation completely, but it was enough that she was a friend to xem.

 

Ace was tired of being asked the same set of questions over and over again. Dr Trethscott had not called xem a girl for once, but it didn't help when xe was sure xe'd answered all his questions a few days earlier. But Nancy was still there, and she stayed with xem. She made good on her promise and led xem out to the gardens once Dr Trethscott was satisfied.

Ace loved the gardens. They were half-hidden from the hospital windows, and even if xe had to have a nurse with xem when xe was out here, it didn't matter if it was Nancy. She let xem wander. Out there in the gardens, she was xyr friend.

Ace stopped by the rose garden and gazed up at the sky. There wasn't much sun around, but the sky wasn't so grey now. Patches of blue bravely shone out from between the dreary clouds. Ace closed xyr eyes and spread xyr wings, wishing desperately that xe was able to fly as xe turned xyr face to the sky.

"What're you looking at? Seen something up there?" Nancy said, following xyr gaze.

Ace opened xyr eyes and sighed, her words bringing xem back to reality. "I need to fly, Nancy. I have wings, but they're useless. Just once, just one more time, I want to be up there where I belong."

"So what's stopping you then?" Nancy said.

"This daft body, that's what. It's not that I can't reveal my Archangel form, I can do it if I absolutely need to, but the body can't stand it for more than a few seconds. Until I ascend again, I'm never going to fly, not like an Angel. It's an ache I can't get rid of. I know I belong up there, I know I'm meant to be able to get to Heaven, but I can't. I'm stuck on this Earth as if I've got magnets in me feet. Me wings ache to be up there again, but I just - I'm an Archangel and I can't fly. I can't get to Heaven. I'm so useless," Ace said, sounding defeated.

She took xyr hand. "You're not useless. There are plenty of people here who wouldn't say you were useless. You do good work here with the dying patients. The Palliative Care nurses do appreciate you, even if they don't always show it. Come on, we'll go for a walk, and you can tell me all about Heaven."

She was an adequate distraction from the ache in xyr body. She reminded xem of xyr humanity. An Archangel xe may be, but xe was human too. Xe didn't just have a human body; xe also had a human soul. It wasn't something xe was used to having. But Nancy loved being human, and it was when they slowly walked together through the gardens that the Archangel began to understand why xe'd been sent down to Earth to live amongst the people xe served.

 

The Archangel was lying in bed that night. Xe could feel someone's time was up, someone in another part of the hospital. It was nagging at xem. Xe could usually feel all sorts of dying souls, but not many ever called to xem strongly enough to make xem act. As an Archangel, before xe'd fallen, not being able to get to the dying had never been a problem. Xe could be in several places at once. Now, living as a human, the limitations of the human body had stifled xyr ability to tend to all the dying, and xe had been reduced to tending to those xe could physically get to.

It was always a struggle. All the dying souls called to xem, even ones xe could not get to, and all xe could do sometimes was just pray to Ha-Shem and Lucifer to free the souls for xem. In hospital, xyr room was always locked at night, making things more difficult. On rare occasions, xe had managed to manipulate the world enough to allow xyr to get free, but it was as tiring as manifesting xyr true form, so xe rarely did so.

Feeling restless, xe left xyr bed and paced around xyr room. Xe always got like this when xe wasn't immediately able to get to the dying person. Xe had the vial of gall in one hand and the sword in another, the two tools xe needed to cast the soul from the body and sent it up to Heaven. It was only when xe was acting as the Archangel of Death that xyr powers allowed xem to retrieve the sacred items and bring them into the real world in order to carry out xyr duty.

The Archangel did have a small altar set up for when xe could not get to the dying soul. Xe could do xyr work from this room if no one came to let xem out. Xe could say the appropriate prayers and spells needed to cut the soul free and send it up to Heaven. It wasn't the same as being there in person, though. Xe touched the siddur on the small altar, but as the soul calling to xem wasn't Jewish, xe left the prayer book alone.

Xe went to the door, trying not to get too distressed. "Oh, come on, please open the door! He's dying! Please, you've got to let me out! He's dying, I need to go to him!" xe pleaded, banging on the door. "Please help me! The Archangel needs to get out! I must tend to the dying soul!"

Xe stood back and waited a moment before pressing against the door again. There was a small window where xe could see out into the corridor. There was no one there, and xe could hear nothing. Xe banged on the door again. The dying soul was calling to xem urgently, but with the door locked, xe could not get out. The soul was singing to xem, asking to be freed, and the Archangel was powerless to help. Xe could, if necessary, sever the soul from the room, but xe always hated doing so when it was possible to get to the person. It was more powerful when xe was there.

The Archangel paced again, frustrated by the dying soul calling to xem. Xyr wings were almost visible, and glowed white light. They beat agitatedly, unable to help. The Archangel banged on the door again.

"Oh, please, come and get me! I'm needed out there! I need to get out. The soul needs me. He's dying, I promise! Please let me out. I need to go to him now!" the Archangel called. Xe was becoming quite distressed at xyr predicament. Xe needed to get out so badly, but lacked the power to do so.

Just as xe was considering breaking down the door, Nancy came to get him. "Got someone in Palliative asking after you, Archangel. Come on, you're needed."

 

The Archangel quickly followed her out into the hall, grateful to be out of xyr room. She led xem through the psychiatric ward and through to the medical part of the hospital. Palliative care was in one of those corners that was hard to get to, but it gave the Archangel time to prepare xemself to free the soul.

The ward was quiet when they arrived. It was obvious who was about to pass away. There were two nurses standing around the bed of an old man. One of them held his hand. Nancy led the Archangel over to them.

"I've got the Archangel for you, Mr Townsend," Nancy said, not expecting a reply.

One of the nurses looked back at the Archangel. "That him? Scrawny fella, aren't ya? Go on, then, do yer magic. He's not long for this world."

"Stand back. Avert your eyes. This isn't something for the living to see. If you look upon my true form, you will die. I'd hate for that to happen. It isn't your time yet," the Archangel said.

"We'd better, yeah? We'll be outside," Nancy said. She led the two nurses away, drawing the curtain back around the bed.

The Archangel straightened. Closing xyr eyes a moment, xe reached for his spirit, trying to figure out what he expected the Archangel to look like. He wasn't Jewish, but Christian, albeit a fairly lapsed one. Setting the vial and the sword away, xe changed xyr appearance from a somewhat fearsome Jewish Archangel with eyes all over xyr body and a thousand wings, to a more pleasant Christian Angel, with a single set of white wings, a white robe, and a halo. Xe approached the bed and took the man's hand. Xyr halo lit the cubicle with a soft warm glow.

"I never knew you, sir, but I'm here to take you to the Angels. Time for eternal rest, sir," the Archangel said.

The man's spirit floated above his body, and he looked over and smiled as he saw the Archangel bathed in white beside him. "Fair cop. I had a good run. Bastard got me in the end, didn't he?"

The Archangel didn't reply. Xe ran a hand over the man's body, severing the spirit from the body. He sat up and slid off the bed with ease. He stood next to the Archangel and gazed down at his still body.

"Can I go to the funeral?" the man said.

The Archangel turned to him. "Do you wish to be a ghost, sir? Why would you not wish to ascend to Heaven?"

The man brushed xem off. "Nah, I mean, like, just to see them send me off, then I'll come with you."

Before the Archangel could reply, there was a flash of white light, and Lucifer appeared opposite them, looking like the Archangel they were. Lucifer smiled and bowed to the Archangel and the newly freed spirit.

"Evening, Azriel. You got another spirit for me, have you?" Lucifer said.

"Take him to Heaven. That's where he belongs," the Archangel said.

Lucifer looked sceptical. "Hey, that's my job, that's Ha-Shem's job, not yours. You just cut the spirit free. We'll decide if he's worthy to go to Gan Eden."

"You do know he's not Jewish, don't you?" the Archangel said.

Lucifer shrugged. "It's all the same God in the end. There is only one Heaven." They reached for the man's hand. "Come on, lad. One-way ticket to Heaven coming right up. Better hang on, Mr Townsend. It's a long way up."

Seemingly resigned to his fate, Mr Townsend didn't protest as Lucifer took him up into the sky and away from the hospital. The ward felt dead around xem as the Archangel was left on xyr own, hating that xe could not escort souls to Heaven like xe was meant to do.

Bringing xyr Angelic form back under control, xe settled xemself. Xe took a moment to close the eyes, reciting a quick prayer for the man, wishing him good luck in the Afterlife. Once xe was done, xe left the bed and returning to the nurses. Xe found them over by the reception desk, talking quietly. They looked up as xe approached.

"Is it done?" Nancy asked.

The Archangel bowed xyr head. "He's been taken to Heaven. Now, can I rest? I am drained and tired."

"I'll take him back to his room," Nancy said. She took xyr arm. "Come on, we'll get you back into bed."

 

Back in xyr room, the Archangel obediently went to bed. Xe was tired, and xe hoped xe might get a few hours sleep before dawn came and xe was woken again. Nancy pulled some papers out of her bag and sat on the bed beside xem as she showed xem what they were. The Archangel thought it was too late to be dealing with papers, but xe didn't protest.

"Before I forget, these are the notes I had for you, about the gender-neutral pronouns. You don't need to read all these scholarly articles if you don't want to, but I've made a list of the different sets for you to look over. What do you think?" Nancy handed xem a sheet with male pronouns followed by several sets of gender-neutral ones.

The Archangel took it with interest. She was definitely allowed to derail xyr desire to sleep with those. "So these are the ones you found? Oh, that's brilliant. Which ones look the most weird to you? Cos I don't want any that look normal."

She pointed out one in the middle that began with X's. "How bout those? Are they weird enough?"

The Archangel silently mouthed the words, attempting to pronounce them.

"They're like the ones that start with Z, apparently. So x-e would be like zey. Does that help?" Nancy said.

"Zey? So that second one, the x-e-m, that'd be like zem, yeah? And what about that weird one with the y, x-y-r? Zeer?" the Archangel asked.

"Zeer or zair, either would do, I think. Which do you prefer?" Nancy said.

The Archangel thought a moment. "Zair. Works better in me 'ead, anyway. I like those ones. They sound weird."

Nancy got up and walked over to the chart. "I'll just list them on here, shall I?"

"Oh, yes, please. That would be good. Can I have them written out too? So I can show 'em to people?" the Archangel said.

Nancy made a note of the Archangel's preferred pronouns on the chart. "Sure, I'll make a note for you."

She returned to xyr side and wrote out the pronoun set on a piece of paper, with their pronunciations underneath them. Tearing the paper out, she handed it to xem.

"There you go. Keep that with you. I hope it works out for you. I'll use them for you, even if no one else does," Nancy said.

"Thanks. I suppose you want me to go to bed now, yeah?" the Archangel said.

"Sorry, love, but it's late, and you did say you were tired. You want a sleeper?" Nancy said.

The Archangel looked chastened. "Are they gonna get mad if I wake up at midday again?"

"I'll sort it out for you so they won't bother you. You've got special allowances for the Archangel work, you know. Didn't you know that?" Nancy said.

"No, I thought - I just thought you'd broken me out because you took pity on me," the Archangel said.

Nancy gave xem a wink. "I squared it with Trethscott. Besides, it helps the patients. Even if half the people here don't believe you're a real Angel, the illusion is enough. Besides, you glow. It's easy enough to believe anyway. Anything to make our lives easier. So, you up for a sleeper or not?"

The Archangel sighed. "I'd better, yeah. I'm so tired, Nancy. Only not one of them horrid ones. One of the ones that'll actually make me feel better when I get up," the Archangel said.

Nancy unlocked the bottom drawer to retrieve the sleeping pills xe wanted. She offered xem one of the pills and poured xem a glass of water. "Here you go. I hope it helps."

The Archangel took the pill and set the glass aside. Xe settled down in bed, grateful for her friendship. "Me too. See you later, yeah?"

Nancy smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow, Ace. Good night."


	2. Chapter 2

The Archangel had a visitor. In all the time xe'd spent in this God-forsaken hospital, in all the times xe'd been admitted there over the past several years, xe had never had a visitor. Not xyr friends, and certainly never xyr family. No one ever came to see xem. Xe was suspicious about this visitor. Xe didn't know who they were, and xe wasn't sure if this wasn't just a ploy to make xem feel like xe wasn't alone. To make xem feel more included. Everyone got visitors. Why not the Archangel too? The Archangel didn't trust that. They were trying to make xem conform again.

It had been a month since xe'd first arrived, and things were settling down now that xe was back on xyr medication. The hallucinations had mostly settled down to a bearable level, and the voices had become more benign. It hadn't made xem sleep any better, but they'd started giving xem a sedative now, and that helped in the way that these things usually helped. Xe didn't actually sleep any better, but xe stopped seeing shadow demons everywhere as xe lay there in the darkness. 

Xe still didn't really trust anyone, either, apart from Nancy. Xe was always much more defensive when xe was in hospital. It was a strange environment, even though xe'd been here many times before. It wasn't somewhere xe naturally felt safe, and it took xem a long time to trust that xe wasn't being experimented on with some sort of toxic chemical and begin to relax. Xe never made any friends, though, not with the other patients. Xe could never bring himself to trust them enough. 

Xe was never really drawn to anyone other than the dying, anyway, who appreciated the presence of an Angel as they took their final breath. Xe did xyr duty, as xe must, and sent the lost souls on their way. Xe had forgone the sword and vial of gall, though, at least for gentiles. It did tend to frighten more than calm them. Xyr presence with the dying was only tolerated when xe brought peace, so no gall and no gruesome transformations once the soul had left. Xe was willing to compromise on them if it meant xe could still do xyr job. 

Nancy was xyr only sanity, and xe hated the days xe didn't get to see her. She had shown xem the gender-neutral pronouns she'd found, and together, they'd worked out a set xe liked that worked for xem. Only Nancy ever used them, but somehow, it was enough. 

But Nancy wasn't with xem now xe was being taken to meet xyr visitor. It was another nurse, who called xem a girl. The nurse hadn't said who xyr visitor was, though, just that he'd said he was a friend. The Archangel wasn't sure that was correct. Xe didn't have any friends, xe was quite sure of that. Who could be coming to see xem? Xe was still cautious as xe was led out to to the common room, where xyr friend was apparently waiting. Xe drew xyr wings back, hoping to hide them from view. Xe didn't want to expose xemself unless xe had to. It might be another demon in disguise.

The common room was quiet. Most of the patients there were reading, though a couple were drawing. The Archangel was led to a quiet corner by the windows overlooking the gardens where the Archangel found Trevor was waiting for xem. He smiled at the Archangel as xe sat down beside him. The Archangel had no idea what to do. Xe had no idea what xe should do. Of all the people, xe hadn't expected Trevor. Was he still genuine? Or was he a traitor too? Perhaps xe should not let xemself get too close in case it would only end in pain. Xe remembered then that xe'd cursed his soul that night as xe'd left the club. Perhaps xe shouldn't have done that.

"What are you even doing here? How on earth did you find me? Did you read my mind again? Is that how you knew I was here? People can do that, you know. They've done it to me before," the Archangel said, watching xyr friend warily.

"I rang around til I found you. You weren't at home, so I figured you had to be here. You alright now? I'm sorry about what happened at the club. They're all real sorry, you know, but he was just trying to keep you safe," Trevor said.

The Archangel bristled. Xe did not want to talk about that. "Why are you here? Did he send you to try and get me back? I'm not going. It's not safe for me there." 

Trevor reached over and gently took xyr hand. The Archangel almost didn't let him, but Trevor didn't look like he was going to trick xem, so xe tried to relax at his touch, hoping he was genuine. Trevor gently squeezed xyr hand and smiled at xem. The Archangel wasn't used to being touched, but xe appreciated the gesture. 

"I was really worried about you, you know. You're my favourite - you know. I miss you there, syr. And you weren't home and I worried something bad might've happened. I just wanted to let you know I'm here for you. I know most of them won't come, but you need someone, right? You don't seem to have anyone else, and I kept thinking about that. You need someone who's got your back. I ain't perfect, I know that, but I'm here for you, Ace. I thought it was about time you knew that," Trevor said.

The Archangel stared into his eyes, trying to see how serious he was. "I've been hurt before, you know. I've had people take advantage of me. You've seen me at my worst. You've seen me- here. You know why. Why do you still want this?" 

Trevor leant in and whispered in xyr ear. "Because I love you, syr."

The Archangel stared at him in shock. Xe had no idea what to do with that information. Xe wasn't sure anyone had ever loved xem, and had no idea what to do with a confession of love. How could Trevor possibly love xem, anyway? Xe didn't think xe was worth loving. No one could possibly love the Archangel of Death. It wasn't something xe was meant to experience. "I - I don't - what are you playing at? Why would you say that?"

Trevor merely shrugged. "Because it's true. But I know you're not in the best place to deal with this right now. Come and see me when you get out, yeah? I'll be waiting for you."

The Archangel couldn't understand that. Love was not something xe particularly understood very well. That was for other Angels to deal with. "But I'm - I've got that word. _Schizophrenia._ " The Archangel almost couldn't say the word, but forced it out to make him understand. "I got demons in me 'ead, and see shadows come to life. I'm crazy. This isn't going away, Trevor. This is my life. Are you really prepared for what that means? Most people don't manage. That's why they always leave me." 

Trevor shrugged; he didn't seem bothered by this at all. "You need someone to - you know. You need me, syr. And sometimes, yeah, I need you. If I wasn't so sure about this, I wouldn't even be telling you. I don't know why I want this, but it's you, Ace. It's you. I wanna help you, if you'll let me." 

The Archangel had no idea what to say. But perhaps it was time to try again, to see if xe could trust someone and let them into xyr life. "Alright. But just- don't push me. Can you do that?" 

"Whatever you need. I know this ain't gonna be easy, but I just remember your face as you left the club. It's haunted me since then. I had to find you and tell you how I felt. I know how much that club meant to you, and how safe you felt there. They shouldn't have kicked you out like that, not in front of everyone. I felt so bad about that. I'm not going back there again. If he'd cared, he wouldn't have banned you. That wasn't right. I don't really understand why, but I know it helped, being there. Having people like me around. And now you don't even have that. It's why you ended up in here, wasn't it? Did he make this happen? Did he make you sick?" Trevor said softly.

The Archangel nodded mutely. Xe still didn't feel like talking about it. Xe gestured vaguely at xyr head as xe spoke. "Stress makes it worse. Makes everything worse. Can we talk when I'm not in here anymore? Gimme a few weeks. I'm not quite there yet." 

Trevor squeezed xyr hand again, just gently, just to reassure xem he was still there. "Call me. I'll come and get you, I promise. You can stay with me if you like, if you want to have someone with you once you get out."

The Archangel braved a smile. "Yeah, alright. I'd like that. Thanks."

 

The Archangel went straight to the chapel once Trevor had left. Xe needed to pray and restore the soul of xyr new friend before it got too out of hand. Shutting xemself in, xe approached the altar and knelt down in prayer. Xe had long got used to the fact it was not the right kind of chapel, but as far as sacred spaces in a hospital went, it was all xe had access to. 

"O Ha-Shem, Ha-Shem, great King of Kings to whom I sing all praise, Great God who commands my obedience, I call upon you, Lord that you may hear me. Your humble servant Azriel calls to you to ask for your forgiveness. I have made a grave error and condemned the soul of a wonderful man. I beseech you, Great Lord who watches over the Children of Israel, I beg you to correct this mistake, so an innocent man shall not be condemned because of my mistakes."

Ace sat up and gazed at the ceiling. Xe could see the glowing light of God, and feel the connection between them. Xe had been heard, as xe had hoped. Archangels, even in human form, tended to get heard when they prayed. It was now a question of whether xyr prayers would be answered. As xe continued praying, two Archangels descended and stood before xem, shining bright with divine light. 

Rafa'el was slender and androgynous, his long silver hair draped down his body, robed in pure white. He narrowed his eyes as he gazed upon the Archangel's crumpled figure as xe prostrated xemself before them. "Azriel, why do you call upon us now? I have better things to do, you know." His voice was soft and authoritative, conveying the power of Ha-Shem as he spoke.

"Please, Rafa'el, I have condemned an innocent man. I did not mean to do so, but I was angry and afraid, and I lashed out when I should not have done so. It is a human failing. I was not careful with my speech. I did not keep the mitzvah. I beg you restore his soul and remove the curse so that Gehinnom may not swallow an innocent man," the Archangel said. 

Lucifer stepped forward. They appeared more human, with less of the pale androgynous look Rafa'el had, and wore what looked like jeans, a shirt, and a jacket. They flicked their dark hair back out of their eyes as they regarded the Archangel before them. "Oh yeah? And why should we do that? What's so special about this man that makes you beg at our feet for his life?" 

The Archangel bowed again. "My human body needs him. I cannot survive this world without him. He loves me. That man I condemned loves the Archangel of Death. He loves me, and his heart is pure. And yet I condemned him before I knew this, and I am ashamed at what I have done. I will accept whatever punishment you deem necessary to make up for this transgression." 

Rafa'el regarded xem with narrowed eyes, pausing a moment before he replied. "You are lucky. We will restore his soul for you. The Lord says your punishment will be his love for you. It will hurt you so deeply you will want to die as much as it will lift you soaring into the Heavens. You are living a human life, Azriel. Love is part of the human condition. The Lord wishes for you to experience this. It will cleanse you of what you have done. Perhaps when this body dies, you may be deemed fit to return to the Heavens." 

The Archangel gazed up at them happily. "Oh, thank you, Ha-Shem. Blessed are you, Lord, to grant me this -"

Lucifer interrupted xem. "Save it, Azriel. Save it for those who really need it. There is one benefit to all this too. Because you cursed him, this man's soul is corrupted now, immune to your touch. I can't say for sure that you'll never be able to curse him again, but bearing witness to your full power won't harm him in the same way it would harm another uncorrupted soul. He'll be safe in your presence, and you won't take him before his time."

Rafa'el considered his words before he spoke. "There is truth to Lucifer's words, but this man will hurt you too, Azriel. Not out of spite or hatred, no. But out of love. You are not used to the feeling, are you? Of being so attached to someone that the thought of losing them physically hurts you? You will experience that. Your reaction to that kind of intense pain, intensely human pain, will determine your fate. That is all I am permitted to tell you." 

The Archangel didn't believe it. Xe was in tears as xe listened to Rafa'el, devastated at the thought of Trevor hurting xem. Lucifer's expression softened as they knelt down in front of Azriel. They lifted xem up and smiled. 

"Oh, don't cry, Azriel. This love will change your life. Don't fear it or run away from it. Yes, it'll hurt, but all love hurts. Every human experiences that hurt, just like you will. I've felt it. Every Fallen Angel has experienced it. Perhaps then you'll understand what it is you did to be sent down to Earth to experience human life for yourself. You Fell, and now you're human. You have a human soul, Azriel. This is a great responsibility, greater than any Archangel can comprehend if they have never experienced it. Be strong, my friend. Unlike me, you will earn your place back in the Heavens one day. Keep hope, and love like you are always taking your last breath. Maybe then you'll understand why I chose to Fall. You'll understand just why I love it down here, away from the Heavens."

The Archangel looked up then, knowing exactly what that meant. Xe had seen countless people take their last breath. The ones xe always admired were the ones who went out so full of life xe hardly thought it fair they were dying. The ones who had so thoroughly enjoyed their lives and made a good go of it, in spite of everything life had thrown at them. 

Lucifer kissed xem then, and the Archangel knew it was time for them to part ways. Xe bowed xyr head and closed xyr eyes as the Archangels vanished, leaving xem alone in the chapel. Saying one final prayer, xe left the chapel without looking back. 

 

Ace had taken a risk. Xe'd dared to believe that Trevor was indeed genuine in his affections. Xe hadn't spoken about it to anyone, of course. That would get xem in trouble, just like mentioning the bondage clubs would get xem in trouble. The fact that Trevor had taken the time to track xem down and come and find xem gave xem hope that maybe the whole world wasn't out to get xem. His first test of trust was the day xe was allowed to leave. Xe'd called Trevor, like he'd said to do, and told him to come and get xem. If Trevor didn't arrive, the Archangel would know he wasn't worth pursuing. If he did come, maybe he might be trustworthy after all. The Archangel had a hard time trusting people, and xe didn't want Trevor to fail xem. 

Xe was better than xe had been, that much was clear. Xe hadn't given up xyr "delusions" about xyr identity, though. Xe was still not a girl, still an Archangel, and nothing could shake xyr belief. They were not part of xyr delusions. They were real parts of xemself. But xe knew xyr doctor would never accept that, so xe'd decided not to bother anymore. There were things xe never told xyr doctor for a reason. Xyr queer identity had become another one of those things. 

Xe had, at least, recovered enough to be able to function. Xyr medication had made the voices able to be ignored, and xe was able to think for xemself for a change and isolate unwanted thoughts from xyr own mental thoughts. It was always a great relief when xe could do that. When xe couldn't be sure which thoughts in xyr head were xyr own, that's when xe always got scared. 

Xe could still feel xyr wings, too, though they weren't quite as tactile as they were when xe was psychotic. Xe still moved as if they were there, but when the sensations weren't as strong, it was harder to believe they were real. They had just become invisible, and that meant they could go through things. Xe did, however, shrug xyr shoulders and move them about every now and then out of habit, even though xe was pretty sure xe wasn't actually sitting on xyr wings. 

Xe was a bit apprehensive about staying with Trevor, though. Xe was not used to living with anyone. Xe was used to keeping secrets. At least xe was in a better state of mind to talk to Trevor about what xe needed than xe had been a few weeks before. Xe might still glance over xyr shoulder every now and then as xe caught a shadow in the corner of xyr eye, but at least xe could pause for a moment and recognise it was just a shadow, not a malevolent evil spirit coming for xyr mind. 

Xe sat in xyr room, waiting for him to arrive. Xe had nothing with xem, as xe hadn't brought anything with xem anyway. Xe had asked Trevor to bring xem some clothes, though. Hospital pyjamas were alright for the most part, but not for going home in. That would make xem even more of a target than xe was willing to allow. Xe might be mad, but xe didn't need people knowing that in such an obvious way. 

"Hey, Ace, you wanna get out of here?" 

Ace heard the voice, but didn't react immediately. It took a moment to realise it had been an actual voice, and not one of the many voices that lived in xyr head. Xe turned to see who had spoken, and saw Trevor standing in the doorway, a bag in one hand. Ace smiled as xe went to greet him.

"Oh, hey, Trev. There you are. I almost didn't think you'd come. Take me home, Trev. I wanna go home." 

Trevor offered xem the bag. "Brought you some clothes, just like you asked. They're not much, but it's what I could find that I thought might fit you." 

"Thanks, Trev. Close the door, will you? I don't want anyone looking," Ace said as xe pulled the clothes out.

Trevor shut the door and stood back. He turned away as Ace dressed, not wanting xem to think xe was being watched. Their relationship was tentative enough without him violating xyr trust before they'd even started. 

Ace didn't care about what clothes they were. Xe undressed quickly, leaving the hospital pyjamas on xyr bed. Xe didn't want to spend too long looking at xyr body and dressed in the clothes Trevor had brought as quickly as xe could. They were male clothes, which, while not ideal, was better than nothing. A pair of corduroy trousers, a button shirt, and a jacket, as well as some soft shoes.

Once xe was dressed, xe gathered up xyr few belongings, and the medication xe'd been given, leaving them in the now-empty bag. When Ace was ready to go, xe came and gently touched Trevor's shoulder to get his attention.

Trevor turned to face xem. "All done then?" 

Ace nodded, the empty bag held loosely in one hand. "Thanks. I feel a bit more normal now."

Trevor ushered xem out. "Right. Back to yours, then?" 

Ace thought for a moment as they walked. "Yeah, just for a moment. I feel safe there, and I have nothing with me."

Trevor gently wrapped an arm around xyr shoulder. "Back to yours, then."

 

Ace was a bit scared about letting Trevor into xyr house, but at least it was somewhere xe felt safe, which allayed xyr fears for the moment. Xe'd had xyr keys and xyr wallet with xem when xe'd arrived at the hospital, and they'd thankfully saved them for xem when they'd thrown out xyr other clothes. Though Ace wasn't that surprised by that. Xe had been in fetish gear, after all. Xe hadn't expected xe'd have been allowed to keep it. Xe'd have to replace it now, though xe didn't know what with. They had been expensive custom-made fetish clothes. Xe couldn't just go out and buy them off the rack, assuming xe found xemself in a frame of mind that would allow xem to go out shopping.

Xe had no idea what xyr house might look like after being neglected for seven weeks. Xe couldn't really remember what sort of state it had been in before. Sometimes it got really bad, and only when xe was in Domspace did xe have enough energy and focus to keep it clean. The rest of the time, xe wasn't so organised, and it just became a disorganised mess. It wasn't like xe ever had people over anyway, so xe never had much incentive to keep it clean. No one saw it. It could become xyr own private hell and no one would know. 

"Sorry if it's a bit of a mess," Ace said as they walked through into the front room. Xe touched the mezuzah on the right side of the doorframe as xe entered; as xe touched xyr fingers to xyr lips, xe reminded xemself that xe really should do better to keep xyr house in a better state that was worthy of the word of Ha-Shem. Sacred writing demanded a sacred space. 

Trevor stopped in the doorway, brushing a finger across the small ornate cylinder attached to the right side of the doorframe. "What's this? Some sort of good luck charm?"

Ace turned back to see him touching the case and went over to him. "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's a mezuzah. It was commanded by Ha-Shem to always keep His words in our hearts and to write them on our doorposts. There's a scroll in there that contains the Shema and a verse from the Torah. It's one of the mitzvot we're meant to keep as Jews. I haven't got them on every doorpost though, just the front room, and my bedroom. The scrolls are too expensive. They have to be handwritten, y'know? And they cost a lot of money, which I don't usually have, so that's all I've got." 

Trevor was intrigued. "So it's a reminder of God's presence then? Is that why you touch it as you enter the room?" 

"Yeah, you touch it and kiss yer fingers, and take a moment to remember the mitzvah." Ace shrugged, and repeated the action to show him what to do. Xe glanced over xyr shoulder at the front room. "I wish I had more of them though. I try to keep the house clean because this makes it sacred space, and this is hardly worthy of Ha-Shem's words, is it?" 

The front room was a bit of a mess, if Ace was being honest. There were more than a few newspapers scattered all over the place, there were some mugs that hadn't been cleared away, and some dirt had been squashed into the carpet. It looked like it had been trashed while xe'd been away.

If Trevor hadn't been there, xe'd have ignored it all, but Trevor was trying to reach out to xem, to be there for xem, and for some reason Ace wasn't entirely sure of, Ace suddenly cared. So xe went to start tidying, picking up all the newspapers, just to prove xe wasn't a completely dysfunctional human being. 

"'m so sorry, Trev, I don't normally keep it like this, but I've been away, and y'shouldn't have to see it like this," Ace murmured as xe tidied. Xe was embarrassed it was like this, which was a strange feeling. Xe didn't normally care, but even though Trevor knew xe was mad, xe didn't want to think xe was some sort of barbarian who couldn't keep a house clean. Xe was frightened of not conforming again and being exiled because of it.

Trevor kept back, unsure what he should do. Ace gathered all the newspapers and stacked them as best xe could as xe folded them back up. That helped make the room look a lot less cluttered, though not all of the clutter was rubbish. The books on the shelf behind the sofa were a disorganised mess, stacked whichever way they managed to fit, all out of any sense of order. The curtains on the front window were in need of repair, but they were salvageable. The lamp in the corner was alright, but lacking a shade. The television was covered in a thin layer of dust, three mugs and a small plate covered in crumbs. It was unclear if the television actually worked. 

There was a small table underneath the front windowsill that was the tidiest part of the room. It was laid with a black cloth with a six-pointed star stitched into the centre in gold trim. It had Hebrew script embroidered in and around it. There were seven candles across the back sitting in a menorah. In front of that was a human skull, some black feathers, and an ornate sharpened knife lying on top of a terracotta dish. It gave off a strong vibe that was a little unsettling. He turned back to the room and tried to pretend he hadn't seen it. Since when was Ace into witchcraft anyway? The whole thing looked like some sort of Satanic altar, and Trevor didn't like it at all.

It wasn't the worst house Trevor had ever seen though, once he'd had a chance to take in the whole room. He wasn't exactly a tidy person himself, so he could sympathise. Then again, he'd never actually seen Ace's house before. He'd known Ace a long time, but they'd always met everywhere but at Ace's house. Trevor hadn't thought anything of it. He'd assumed xe preferred xyr privacy. He had never imagined xyr house would look like that, though. 

As Ace went to start clearing away the mugs, Trevor stopped him. He felt bad at just standing there doing nothing. He knelt at xyr feet, making his act of submission clear. "Let me help, syr. You don't have to do this alone, Archangel." 

Ace hesitated. Xe was surprised to hear Trevor using the correct titles for xem; xe never expected anyone to remember those. Xyr weird spelling for 'sir' was xyr way of making a gender-neutral term, even if xe mostly pronounced it the same way. It was hard being a Dominant with no gender when xe played so often in bondage clubs filled with gay men. Xe was sure the only way xe'd managed to conceal xyr sex for so long was xyr insistence on non-sexual play.

Xe hadn't expected Trevor's offer either. Xe wasn't used to anyone offering to help, nor wanting to touch xyr things. So many were dirty filthy things. No one else would want them. Xe never let anyone in xyr house anyway. Was xe sure xe could trust him? But he was being submissive, everything about the way Trevor was sitting there was submissive, so maybe it would be alright. Maybe being the Dom would make things alright. Domspace wasn't immediate, but xe could feel it pulling xem close. Having a submissive under xyr command for once might actually be a good idea. 

"Alright, but I'm in charge. I say where everything goes."

Trevor wasn't going to suggest otherwise. "It's your house. I wouldn't dare try to tell you where to put anything. What do you want me to do?"

"Take the mugs into the kitchen and leave them by the sink. We'll deal with that later once this room's clean. Go slowly. There's probably a lot to clean. I haven't been home for seven weeks. We'll probably need to go buy some food too. I doubt there's anything here worth eating. Apologies in advance if it's worse than it looks," Ace said.

Trevor bowed his head. "Yes, syr."

Ace stood back and watched him get to work. Xe'd never actually had a submissive at home before. Xe'd always played in the club. This would take some getting used to. Xe turned xyr attention back to the newspapers and gathered them up into a pile, folded as best xe could. Cleaning wasn't always fun, nor was it something xe did very often, but Domspace was hovering on the fringes of xyr mind, giving xem the focus and care to tend to it until it was done. What happened after that, xe didn't know. But xe had Trevor now. Xe wasn't alone. Perhaps this time, things would be different. 

 

It took another two days to get the whole house clean to Ace's satisfaction. They had gone out to get some groceries once the kitchen was done, and for Ace, having Trevor with xem was strangely calming. Shopping for anything was usually quite frightening for xem, but Trevor calmed xem, and helped xem remember what they needed to buy. It hadn't all been particularly kosher, either, but Ace didn't feel up to keeping kosher just yet. Xe did, however, resist the temptation to buy bacon, even if it did seem somehow unpatriotic to do so. 

The successful shopping trip boosted xyr confidence. With him there, xe could cope with the outside world, at least for a while. Ace dared to hope xe might actually be alright this time. Xe had xyr Domspace, and a willing submissive. Things had to be alright now.

Trevor wore a subtle chain collar around his neck, which reinforced Ace's Domspace. Xe needed that reminder. It was always so hard coming back from hospital and being expected to get on with life like nothing had happened, as if xe'd just been on holiday. Usually on xyr own with no one to help and support xem, xe'd always just fallen back into old habits, with no one xe trusted enough who was able to reinforce the good habits xe needed to stay relatively healthy. 

Trevor hadn't moved in yet, though. Ace was just not ready to allow another person to live with xem yet. Trevor was with xem as much as he could be, though, just to make sure xe was alright. Ace wasn't entirely sure about it at first. Knowing Trevor was coming round to check on xem every day was not something xe'd ever experienced before. Xe'd sometimes had nurses come round to check on xyr medication and how xe was doing, but this was different. This was a friend, someone who cared about xem for reasons other than it being their job. Ace hadn't realised how much of a profound difference that would make. 

Trevor hadn't removed the collar. Every time he came round, the first thing he did was bow at the Archangel's feet, offering his submission to xem. He would bow and offer penance to the Archangel. That reinforcement was something xe needed, and it kept xem in Domspace longer than xe'd ever anticipated. Xe'd been able to function relatively well for almost a week now, and xyr house was still tidy. Xe had even begun to say daily prayers again like xe was meant to do. Xe felt quite proud of this achievement, and xe hoped it would last. Xe hoped that this time, xe might actually be able to have something resembling an ordinary life. The sort of boring life that everyone else had, that xe had always found difficult to sustain. The voices always sabotaged xem, and xe had never managed to hold down a job long enough to get ahead in any way. Xe survived day to day, on what welfare money xe could get, unable to plan ahead any more than that. 

But things were different now. Trevor was there. Trevor was keeping xem in Domspace, and that, more than the medication xe was taking, worked wonders for xyr sanity. Xe would never tell xyr doctor that, though. Xyr doctor had faith in pills and potions. The bondage life xe was living was something perverted sick people did. It wasn't healthy. But Ace had never listened to that anyway. If it made xyr life better, if Domspace meant xe could live like a normal person, xe didn't care. Xe needed to be normal. Xe wanted this to last. Xe wanted to beat the voices and stop them ruining xyr life, even if such a prospect always seemed like the most terrifying thing in the world. 

Even now, even as xe lay on the now-clean sofa with Trevor close to xem, xe still wondered if xe could do this. Could xe really beat this to the point where xe didn't need to go to hospital? Could xe really win? Or would it all come undone and xe'd end up in a big mess like the last time xe'd tried to do this? Except xe hadn't been living with a submissive then either. Xe'd still gone mad, but it had been a bad decision, and xe was loathe to go back there again. There were some terrible memories in xyr head, but the psychotic attack that had so severely and terribly ended their relationship had seen fit to remove some of those memories, and they weren't so bad now.

Trevor lay behind xem, his arms holding xem close. Ace liked that feeling. It made xem feel secure, even though xe was still the Dom. Trevor was gently stroking his fingers over xyr hair, and it sent shivers down xyr spine. For a moment, xe felt xyr wings again; xe felt them involuntarily shiver with xem at the sensation. Ace hadn't let anyone touch xem like this for a long time because xe was too scared of people losing their souls before their time. But with Lucifer's and Rafa'el's reassurances that Trevor would be alright, xe chanced it with him. Xe felt safe enough, with submissive Trevor, that xe could control things if xe suddenly needed to stop.

"I've got someone to care for me," Ace murmured. It was still sinking in. Trevor was still there, was still there after everything he'd seen, even though he knew xe was mad. Ace didn't really understand why. 

"I've seen you at your worst. I'm still here. You need someone, Ace. I might not be perfect, but I'm willing. You've been alone too long," Trevor said.

Ace sighed and shifted a little, glancing up at him. "Trust is so hard for me, Trev. It's so very hard for me to do. Please understand that. I'm not like everyone else. I don't know how long this Domspace will last, either. I've never held on to it for so long before, and even though it's working for me, it's really exhausting. I'm not used to it. I might have to let go soon. I'm going to need you more then, when I can't always do everything. Are you up for that? This isn't going to be like an ordinary relationship. You're going to need to learn so much, Trev. You're going to have to handle me at my worst. You're going to have to know you won't panic if I have a break and I'm too far gone to be of any help. I need to know I can trust you in that sort of situation. Most people aren't able to do this for me. I'm too needy. I'm too crazy. Too cold and distant. Too fearful. I can't guarantee I won't lash out at you if I get scared. I'll need you to get to know my doctors, where to get my medication, how much I take, when I need more care than you can give me. It always feels like a terrible burden. I feel like I could never expect anyone to cope with that, so I keep away. I wouldn't want to burden you and take away your life. But that's what you get when you get me. You get all the baggage. I don't know if you're really up for that. I don't know if you've realised that's what all this will mean."

Trevor half-shrugged against the cushion. "This isn't as scary to me as you might think it is. I helped with my dad when he was sick, but I don't really talk about that. No one really knows. It's kind of weird to talk about, though. If I wanted an easy relationship, I wouldn't be here. There have been plenty of Doms who've made offers. But I've picked you. I'm here because I want to be here."

"I bet he wasn't mentally ill, though. I've got too many stigmas attached to me. Crazy, schizo, gay, queer, pervert, faggot, fetishist, I've been called them all and more. They all hurt. No one has any sympathy for me like they might if I had some sort of proper illness. You're going to have to deal with that too. People don't like me, and sometimes they're not afraid to let me know about it," Ace said.

Trevor shrugged again. "Let them think what they like. If they're not going to take the time to get to know you, that's their problem. Are you alright with this? You comfortable still?"

Ace shifted. "Lemme sit up for a while. You're crushing the wings." 

Trevor let go, and Ace shifted beside him. Xe perched on the edge of the seat, staring at the floor, as xyr wings stretched out behind xem. They sometimes did that when xe lay down too long. Xe had no idea if Trevor could see them, but xe didn't feel brave enough to ask. Not yet. Xe wasn't sure xe could trust him yet, not with that.

Trevor reached for xem, but pulled his hand away. "I know I call you Archangel because you asked me to, but I didn't know you really had wings. Can you fly with them?"

Ace looked up at the ceiling, a soft smile crossing xyr lips. "Oh, yes, I can fly high into the sky. I can fly all over the universe. I'm an Archangel, you know. I can go all sorts of places. That's why I have wings. They give me freedom when nothing else does." Xyr smile faded as xe remembered why xe was human. "But I haven't flown since I Fell. I used to be in Heaven, but now I'm mortal. I'm living a human life now, and I can't fly. I have wings, but I can't fly. It's horrid. I'm a bloody Archangel and I can't bloody fly. I hate it."

"Alright, so which Archangel are you then? You one of the big ones with a fancy name?" Trevor asked, intrigued.

Ace looked at him, disconcerted and amazed. No one had ever asked if xe had a name before. No one had ever entertained xyr Archangel identity long enough to ask about xyr name. Xe hadn't expected anyone would ever ask. Trevor had seemed genuinely curious, too. Ace didn't know what to do with that. Xe decided xe would tell him and see how he reacted.

"I am the Archangel Azriel. The Fallen Archangel. The Avenging Archangel. The Archangel of Death. Most people are too scared of me, though. That's why they don't come near me. I'm not one of the popular ones. I'm not Mikha'el or Gavri'el. I'm Azriel. I take dying souls to Heaven. Or I did, until I Fell. But I don't really want to talk about that."

Trevor didn't seem to find this in any way alarming. "So that's what do you do, then, take souls to Heaven? Are you some sort of Grim Reaper sort of Archangel? Is that what an Archangel of Death does? I didn't know there was an Archangel of Death. Explains some of your Dom skills though. I'm impressed."

Ace shrugged. "Humans like that whole death and rebirth thing. Most people don't know me, though. But I do Ha-Shem's work. I tend to the dying souls and free them. Sometimes I go to other places when I sleep, dressed in black, and take souls to Heaven that I can't reach. I'm always flying in my dreams. I've got wings, too, see? Can't you feel the wings?" Xe spread xyr wings out behind xem.

"Where are they? Like, how big are they?" Trevor said.

Ace reached behind xem and ran xyr hand along the wingbone. It felt solid and comfortable under xyr hand, solid and powerful. "There. Can't you feel it?" 

Trevor reached up where xyr hand was, not expecting to feel anything but air. To his great surprise, he felt a wingbone. The wing moved under his touch, and for a moment, he could almost swear _he actually saw three pairs of great white wings coming out of his back._

"That is so not real. Is it? Can you make them visible? I can't believe I just felt a proper wing. Maybe you're not mad after all," Trevor said.

Ace stood, spreading xyr wings out behind xem. Clasping xyr hands together in prayer, xe stood silently in the middle of the front room. Trevor stood in shock as those wings became solid. He had never imagined Archangel wings would look like that. Gigantic white feathery wings glowing with light gently folded themselves against xyr back.

"Can you see them now?" Ace asked.

Trevor moved over to him and gently touched them with his hand. That was definitely real. It felt as real as Ace did. As he did. Ace turned to face him, and Trevor backed away as he took in xyr appearance. Xyr skin was covered with thousands of black outlines of eyes. A sword hung at xyr belt and a small glass vial hung on a leather cord around xyr neck. As xe spread xyr wings out behind xem, Trevor could've sworn they multiplied to an impossible degree. Xe looked like xe was burning with bright firelight. 

The power coming from xem was more than Trevor could bear, and he fell to his knees before the Archangel, awed by what he was seeing. He had never experienced anything so incredibly amazing before in his life. He had never been all that religious, but he had a feeling he had just been converted. He finally understood why Ace, as his Dom, had always insisted on using the title Archangel instead of Master.

"Oh, God. Oh, my God," Trevor breathed. He crossed himself and wondered what on earth he'd done to have met a real Archangel.

Ace stepped forward, palms turned toward him. Each had a large eye marked on it that stared at Trevor with such intensity he could barely look at them. He prostrated himself before the Archangel, bowing in submission, almost blinded by the light shining from the Archangel. The Archangel's voice was strong and vivid, with more power than he had expected. It was not the voice of a human, and the air shivered as xe spoke. 

"Hail to all the Archangels in Heaven! Praise to Ha-Shem, to Adonai, to all the Archangels, and the Holy Serafim! Praise be, for the Archangel of Death stands before you, filled with the Glory of Ha-Shem. Don't approach me. Don't even look at me. If I touch you, I will take your soul away. I will condemn you to Gehinnom for all eternity. Do you see now? Do you see what I really am? Are you scared now, human? Do you understand my power?" 

Trevor covered his head with his arms, trying not to appear too frightened. Every word the Archangel spoke slammed into his body, its power reverberating all around him. It left him terrified of the being standing before him and what xe could do to him if xe wanted to condemn him. "No, please, Archangel, don't take my soul. Please. Oh, God, please don't kill me."

In a moment, the awesome sight disappeared. Ace walked toward him, xyr wings tucking in behind xem. The eyes vanished into xyr skin and the sword and vial disappeared, though the eyes on xyr palms remained. Trevor remained prostrate on the ground, refusing to look at xem. 

Ace came and knelt before him as xe spoke, and xyr voice sounded more human. "Because I can't sustain it. Because in spite of all my power, I'm human. My power is weak. This body is weak. I need you to help me. I can't always take care of myself, and this world believes I'm mad. I need friends, Trevor. I need people around me. Madness will drown me if I'm not careful. I can survive, but I need you. Do you understand?" 

Xe touched his arm, but Trevor shied away in fright. He was still too scared. Ace did xyr best to pull the Archangel's power back into xemself enough so that Trevor could approach xem.

"Sit up. Please. Don't bow to me like that. It's alright. You can touch me now."

Slowly, Trevor peered at xem through his fingers, watching in awe as the wings finally vanished, the blinding light faded, and the eyes disappeared. By the time they were face to face, Ace looked human again, xyr wings invisible, and the eyes gone for good. Xe looked so fragile. Trevor reached for xyr hands. Ace felt exhausted. Trevor had no idea what to say.

"I can't - Trev, I just can't. I need you," Ace murmured.

Trevor brought xem into a gentle hug, promising he'd stay with xem. He'd do everything he could for xem. After all, he still wasn't entirely sure he hadn't just imagined what had just happened. He had seen a real Archangel in the flesh. A Holy Archangel had appeared before him in the most awesome sight he'd ever seen in his life. It had to have been real. He could think of no other explanation that made any sense. Ace was an Archangel, and Trevor was xyr servant.


	3. Chapter 3

"Just so you know, he's going to keep referring to me as a girl, because he's a bastard. Don't bother trying to correct him, though. I tried that. He won't do it. He doesn't believe any of this is real," Ace said as they walked down the corridor to the waiting room.

"I don't see how he's meant to help you when he doesn't believe you. I'd get a new doctor, if I were you. One who respects you," Trevor said.

Ace shrugged, shoving xyr hands into xyr jacket pockets. "There is no one else, not fer me. Besides, I'd have to learn to trust someone else, and it was hard enough with him. I'm not good with trust, remember? I might just end up with someone worse, anyway. I can't risk that sort of thing."

"So what shouldn't I mention then?" Trevor asked.

"He thinks I'm a drug-addicted schizophrenic girl who had a terrible childhood. It's not true, but what can I do? I'm properly mad. It's official, an' all. I got delusions, I see things that aren't there, and no one believes anything I say. I'm stuck with the hand I've been dealt and dealing with a system that half doesn't make any sense to me. I'm doing the best I can," Ace said.

Trevor touched xyr shoulder gently. "I know, Ace. You know I'll do what I can to help."

Ace chanced leaning against him as they walked, appreciating his support. It felt good to have someone with xem. It made xem feel less alone. They went the rest of the way in silence. Trevor kept back as Ace went to talk to the receptionist. Xe returned a moment later, and they took a seat nearby to wait.

Trevor had come with Ace to see xyr therapist. Ace was meant to be seeing him every week, but xe'd missed the last one and had to reschedule. Ace almost hadn't agreed to bring Trevor along, but he simply repeated Ace's words that if Trevor was going to care for xem, he'd have to meet xyr therapist. Trevor argued they might as well get it out of the way sooner rather than later. 

"Just - I wanted to check. Do you still want me using male pronouns for you? Only I know you've said you don't have a gender, but you're a man in public, right? I just want to make sure I'm using the right words for you," Trevor said.

"Archangels don't have a gender, Trev. We just don't. It's not how we're meant to be. But this world doesn't understand that, so I do what I can. Male is easier. Not ideal, but less trouble. I don't really think of myself in terms of any particular gender," Ace said.

"So, if I don't use male pronouns, then what can I call you?" Trevor said.

"Xe. Vor. Per. Zki. I don't know." Ace thought a moment, trying to parse out a set of pronouns in xyr head. Xe took out a piece of paper from xyr wallet. Unfolding it, xe looked at the set xe'd written down. "That's the last one I came up with. I think I like it, but I don't know. I can't ever get anyone else to use them." 

Trevor took the piece of paper. On it was written the words xe, xem, xyr, and xemself. He didn't quite know what to do what that many x's. "How do you even pronounce these, anyway?"

Ace glanced over. "Oh, they're written underneath. Like a 'z' sound for the x's. They work in my head. I don't really speak them often. But I kind of aim for a zee sort of thing? But I don't want 'em to look like the normal ones. Cos I ain't normal. Y'know?" 

"Well, if you want me to use them, we'd better figure out how to say them, yeah?" Trevor said.

"You'd do that? You don't have to, y'know. It's just my weird little thing," Ace said.

"I've been around enough queer spaces to respect pronoun choices, Ace. I know you've always been queer and not really gendered like everyone else. I worked that out all those years ago, but never said anything because you didn't seem to mention it. I didn't think you were out, so I let it go. Besides, I'd rather get your pronouns right than make you feel uncomfortable. God knows you get enough shit from everyone else. The last thing you need is me fucking it up too," Trevor said. He handed the piece of paper back. "If those are the ones you want, I'll use them."

"Really? That'd be great, if you could. At least then someone would know how to address me properly, not like all these people in here. They don't get it. Maybe they'd accept it from you. Maybe if you told them, they'd listen," Ace said.

"Maybe. I don't know why they'd listen to me any more than you, though," Trevor said.

As Ace went to answer, they were called through to see Dr Trethscott. Ace reached for Trevor's hand as they got up and followed the nurse through to the doctor's office. Tentatively, Ace let him follow xem inside as xe was called in for xyr session. Trevor didn't think much of the decor, but he figured most therapists' offices were just as dull and thought nothing of it. Ace sat down in a chair as Dr Trethscott came to greet them. 

"Um, this is Trevor, the one I told you about before. He's looking after me now. I thought you two might wanna meet, since he seems to want to stick around for a while," Ace said, gesturing to Trevor, who was standing behind xem. 

The doctor looked surprised, but approached him and shook his hand. "Ahh, so you are real. I was beginning to think she'd made you up. I'm Dr Trethscott. I've been treating Ace for years now. You're the first carer I've met. If you want to talk about any aspects of her care, do let me know. I know it's sometimes hard to know what to do when you've never done this sort of thing before, but don't panic. I can always be reached here, and if I'm not in, there are nurses and duty doctors who will be able to advise you. If in doubt, bring her straight here and we'll take care of her."

The doctor handed Trevor a card with his phone number on it, along with some emergency numbers to call. "Thanks. I was wondering about who to call. I helped care for my dad when I was younger, so this isn't all that frightening. I just need to know what to do." 

"If you'll be happy to wait til we're done here, I can take you through it all. I'd ask you to wait outside, if you please. I don't allow observers in during individual sessions. Please come back in an hour," Dr Trethscott said.

Trevor looked back at Ace, who gestured for him to go. "It'll be alright, he always does this. I'll be alright."

"Alright, I'll leave you to it. I'll be back soon, yeah?" Trevor said.

Ace looked back as Trevor left, hoping xe'd done the right thing in introducing them. Xe watched the door close and hoped this was going to go alright.

"I told you he was real, didn't I? Will you stop thinking that everything I talk about is some sort of fantasy? I'm not that psychotic all the time. I can occasionally recognise reality when I see it. I wish you'd learn to trust me more," Ace said, turning back to the doctor.

Dr Trethscott took a seat beside xem, and Ace was at least pacified by his apologetic expression. "I'm sorry, Ace. I should have believed you on that one. I've had patients like you who've had invisible friends before, and as I'd never met this friend of yours, I wasn't sure they existed. I'll try not to be so judgemental. I'm pleased to see you've got a carer with you now. How has it been having Trevor with you this time? You've not experienced this before, and I'm curious to know how you're coping."

Ace smiled at that. "Oh, it's been brilliant, actually. He comes round every day to check on me, and I know you've told me to do that before, but I always found it so hard to find someone I trusted, and then I met him, well, met him again as we're old friends but I haven't seen him for years because of - with all me madness an' all, and I finally thought I'd try it. I'd see if I could trust him because he wanted to help, see? So I thought he might stay, but like everyone else runs away. I don't like being a burden. And he's there every day, just being with me. I've told him about my medication, and he's come round early, before I get up, and have everything set out for me, including a cup of coffee. He's met a couple of the nurses too, the ones you send round. And I kept me house tidy. You should be proud of me, sir, it ain't never been this good. I just hope it lasts this time. Cos if even he can't help me, then I might have to check meself back in here permanently, cos I don't know how else I'll be able to cope."

Dr Trethscott looked genuinely pleased. It had been a long time since Ace had made such significant progress with xyr illness. "I did notice you were looking happier than I'd seen you lately. That's very good progress, Ace. I'm really proud of you. You should be proud of yourself too. That's a significant step forward you've taken. I wasn't sure you'd get there, but you've taken a risk, and it's paid off. So how does it feel to have him in the house with you? Do you let him in, or has he got a key?" 

"Oh, he's got a key. It was easier that way. I almost didn't, but I thought about what might happen if I had a turn again, and he was the only one who might want to see where I'd gone, and he'd never be able to get in, so he's got a key. I'm alright, I think, knowing he can get in any time. It was a bit scary at first, but I'm becoming alright with it. I don't know what I did to get him, but I never want to let him go. He's amazing. I feel amazing," Ace said.

"That's really good to hear. I hope you keep at it. This is good work you're doing." The doctor made a note of that in xyr file. "Now, how have you been sleeping lately with those new pills I wanted you to try? I hope you've been cutting down your caffeine intake, too, like I told you to do." 

"Trying to, sir, but sometimes I just need to wake up, like from the brain fog those pills sometimes give me, and caffeine's all that does it." Ace shrugged. "But apart from that, it's been alright, I suppose. I took one the first night I got home after you gave 'em me, but it knocked me out and I woke up so tired I could barely move. I tried halving it and that was better. It's not great sleep, I don't really dream, but I don't really feel rested when I get up either. But if knocking me out for twelve hours is what you hoped to achieve, that's what it does."

The doctor made another note, and wrote out a prescription. "Ah, yes, I did wonder if that might be too strong. Definitely halve the dose if that's what works. Your body deals with medications in very strange ways, and I'm never sure how you're going to react. I might also try you on another one that I think might be better. It shouldn't knock you out so deeply. You may feel better after that one. Try it for a week, and let me know if you have any problems with it. Sleep is important for you, and we've got to find a way to get you back into the habit of sleeping properly again."

Ace tried not to look too glum. "I know. I've started sleeping in four-hour blocks. That's the best I can manage right now without the pills. I did it once with Trevor sleeping beside me, just to see if I could cope with that, and that helped a little. I still had a nightmare, but waking up to find him there, and having him there to comfort me, that was better than it normally is. Waking up from nightmares with no one else with you to tell you what's real and what's not just makes them worse."

"Well, you've spent a long time being on your own. I wouldn't be surprised that having Trevor around is making such a big difference. Keep trying it, see how far you're able to go without stressing yourself out. If you can sleep without drugs, all the better for you. Knowing your history, the fewer drugs you need to take the better, in my opinion. I take it you've had no further problems with your other medication?"

Ace shook xyr head. "All working as well as it normally does, sir."

Dr Trethscott made a final note and set the file away on his desk. "Excellent. Come on over to the couch, and we'll talk some more."

 

Later that evening, they were sitting at home after tea. Trevor had made a pot of peppermint tea, hoping it might help xem sleep better. Ace was sat on the sofa lost in thought, Trevor beside xem. Ace hadn't really spoken a lot since they'd come back from xyr session with xyr therapist, but Trevor wasn't overly worried. Xe sometimes got like that after seeing him, and Trevor usually just left xem alone with xyr thoughts. 

Trevor looked up from his tea as he broke the silence. "Hey, so we haven't really discussed how I'm meant to serve you properly, what with you being an Archangel and all. Do you, I don't know, want some sort of worship or something? What do you do with Archangels anyway?" 

Ace looked up at him in surprise. Xe hadn't thought of that. Xe hadn't expected Trevor would even want to do that. Xe felt it was too much to ask of him. "You want to know about that stuff? Really? Why? It's just my weird little thing. No need to bring you into it. You're a gentile anyway. It's not really your concern."

"Tell me about it. I'm interested. I believe you're really an Archangel, syr. I really do. God has sent me an Archangel to serve, and I want to make sure I'm doing everything I can for you. I don't need to convert or anything, do I? I mean, you are a Christian Angel, right?" Trevor said.

Ace shifted to face him. "I thought you'd figured out I was Jewish by now. I serve Ha-Shem, the Jewish God. But, well, He's sort of the same as the Christian God and Allah, too. It's a bit hard to explain. Like, Christians might know me as Samael, even though that's a different Archangel, but atheists might prefer a Reaper, whereas a Muslim might want a body made of eyes and a multitude of wings." Xe shrugged. "I can become whatever form I need so I can do my work. But I don't know what you could do to help me with that, though. I'm not the sort of Archangel people name churches after. They don't sing me praises. They pray to keep me away. I've taken a lot of children lately. That's really depressing. I mean, old geezers with terminal illnesses are one thing, but a small lad who's barely six months old? That's hard. They're always hard."

"Let me help, Archangel. This isn't just about mundane service. There's a spiritual element to it too, and if there's anything I can help you with, I'd be happy to do it. I'm not going away, syr. If you can use me - "

"Well, you are immune to me, so perhaps you may be useful in some way..." Ace trailed off as xe thought about what Trevor could do. 

Ace got up and walked over to the shrine under the front window. Trevor followed and knelt beside xem as they sat before the shrine. 

"This is fer when I can't get to someone. I can ask Lucifer to do it for me, to act on my behalf. See, cos I'm in human form, I can't always get to the dying to free them, so when I feel 'em, when it's their time, I gotta go to 'em, unless it's just too far away. Then I just say me prayers here and let Lucifer deal with it," Ace said.

A shiver went up Trevor's spine at the thought of Lucifer being involved, and crossed himself out of habit. "Isn't Lucifer the Devil? Why do you pray to him?"

"They are the light-bringer, and yes, Fallen Archangel. Accuser, Seducer, and Destroyer. Lucifer is Ha-Shem's servant, not His adversary like Christians think they are. But Lucifer seems to have made their peace with Ha-Shem, which is why they can act for me. Perhaps it was part of the deal, so that my work could still continue. Perhaps Lucifer was the only one who was willing to do my job for me. See, with Ha-Shem, us Archangels don't have free will. Humans have free will, but we don't. We do whatever Ha-Shem tells us to do. If Ha-Shem wished me to Fall, to become human, so be it. I can't refuse. I must obey because that is why I exist, to carry out Ha-Shem's wishes. I do my job, and that's it. It's not so bad though. Less thinking to do than being human. Being ordered about does sometimes make things easier to deal with," Ace said.

Trevor thought a moment. "But you're human now, right? So doesn't that mean you've got free will? I mean, sure, you might be an incarnate Archangel, but you're in a human body living a human life, from what you've said. Surely that means you're bound by human rules, not Archangel rules."

Ace tilted xyr head as xe parsed that idea in xyr mind. "I don't understand. I'm an Archangel. I can manifest at least some of my power down here in this body, weak as it is. I am still an Archangel, and I have no free will. I can't do what you can do. You're not even Jewish. You don't even have to keep all the ridiculous numbers of laws they have to keep to get to Heaven. You've got it easy. Me, I'm stuck doing whatever Ha-Shem wants. The dying call to me and I can't refuse to help them. I just can't. It would be neglecting my duty to ignore their calls, even if they're not Jewish. I tend to every human soul, no matter which religion they cleave to. It's not something I can just stop doing. Believe me, I've tried. If I could stop being drawn to the dying, if I could stop feeling all them dying soils, and havin' people looking at me as if I'm some sort of killer every time they see me with a dying person, that would be marvellous."

"No, look, I know you're an Archangel, I get that, but didn't you say Ha-Shem had sent you down to live out a human life? Surely that comes with a human soul and free will attached, otherwise you're just an Archangel trapped in a human body, and that's clearly not doing you any favours. Why would Ha-Shem send you down here to live as a human without a human soul and free will? That sounds a bit dickish to me," Trevor said.

Ace stared at the shrine in silence, contemplating his words. They didn't make any sense to xem. "I have free will? I can - do things on my own?"

"Why wouldn't you? If you're human, you've got free will, isn't that what you said? I don't think it'd matter if you're an Archangel or not. If He wanted you to live a human life, that should come with free will. That's all I'm saying. And if it doesn't, then I'm clearly not understanding things properly, and honestly, that'd make this Ha-Shem a bit of a bastard," Trevor said.

Ace scratched xyr head distractedly. Xe had never had free will before. Xe didn't know what to do with it, now that xe'd apparently got it. Xe could see the logic in Trevor's reasoning, and it didn't seem incorrect. Before the Archangel had fully manifested itself into xyr consciousness, xe had been living as a human with a human soul, and it didn't seem like xe'd lost that human soul once the Archangel came to life. So if xe still had a human soul as well as the Archangel's soul, all bound up in a human body, what did that mean, then? What was xe? Was xe really an Archangel with free will? How could that be right? That was the most ridiculous thing xe'd ever heard. 

"So, if yer right, and I've got free will, does that mean I could do me own thing? Is that what it means? I can make decisions for meself?" Ace said tentatively.

"You can do whatever you like. Perhaps it's why Lucifer was able to volunteer for your job. Fallen Angels have free will too, don't they? Because they've chosen to fall?" Trevor said.

"Well, sort of. It's a bit more complicated than that. There are two kinds and some were- Oh, but you don't want to know about that. But perhaps you're right. Perhaps I have free will, and the Fallen have free will, and this makes us closer to humans," Ace said.

Trevor shrugged. "I thought that was the point of Falling, but what would I know? I'm just a man who never paid that much attention to religion. I guess that's changing now, though, what with you being an Archangel and all. So do I need to become a Jew? Because there's obviously a lot here I don't understand about how you do your work, and if I'm going to help, I'll need to know what I can help with. I believe you, Ace. I believe you're an Archangel. I don't care if someone thinks I'm delusional. I know what I saw. You're a real Archangel, and I'm offering my services to you."

Ace thought a moment. "I should teach you the proper prayers. The Jewish ones, anyway, and maybe some of the others. So I've always got someone who can recite the prayers if there's no one else around who can do it. And maybe it'd be nice to have someone else with me, so that when I go somewhere, I've got someone to help me home. It tires me out, Trev. I can't hardly walk once it's all done. Maybe it'd help me get to more people, if I knew I had you to take me home again."

"Yeah, I could do that for you. So how were you getting to them before? Like, away from the hospital?" Trevor said.

"I walked, mostly. Or the bus. It's hard when I'm on my own, and it's far away. It's why I've got the shrine, to save me the effort. I can't drive anymore. I can't trust meself, and the meds make it weird anyway. Nearly crashed once, when I was about to - so I stopped. Sold the car. I needed the money anyway. I've walked everywhere since. It's just one of those things I can't do," Ace said.

"Well, it's a good thing I'm here then. I don't mind driving you if you need it. Anything else I can do?" Trevor said.

"I don't know. Maybe we'll see how it works like that first. I don't want you to convert if you don't want to, though. It'd take you years to learn everything correctly, enough to convince a rabbi to convert you properly. So don't worry about that. Just help me when I need it, learn the prayers, and we'll see how you cope with that. You'll have enough to worry about with me to look after without adding all that as well," Ace said.

"Alright, we'll leave it at that. But don't be afraid to call on me when you need me. That's why I'm here, yeah? You don't have to do everything yourself anymore," Trevor said, reaching for xyr hand.

Ace smiled. "I know, just let me get used to that, will you? I'm still half-convinced you'll leave anyway and I'll be left on me own. I try not to think that, but I can't help it."

"Take as much time as you need. I ain't going anywhere."

 

A month passed. Ace felt like a lot had happened in that time as xe got used to having Trevor in xyr life. Trevor had been very understanding about the Archangel's need to go to the dying, and had done all he could to make sure the Archangel was there, if it wasn't going to get them into any trouble. He'd met up with Nancy back at the hospital, and she'd been good at calling Ace in when xe was needed, which lessened xyr anxiety about leaving souls behind because xe couldn't be there. The ones xe'd missed had hit xem hard, though, and xe'd usually spend hours sitting at the shrine in the front room, praying for the deceased. Xyr words had a power to free the spirit from a distance, even if xe could not be there in person. It wasn't perfect, but it was the best xe could do.

It had cast a strange atmosphere over their relationship. Trevor had a lot more to learn than just how to care for the Archangel, and even if the Archangel's religion wasn't one he really understood, the more he accompanied the Archangel to free the dead, the more he picked up about what he could do to help xem with that work too. He had come to take on the responsibility of explaining things to anyone else who might be present, tending to them as the Archangel did xyr job if it wasn't within the confines of the hospital. He hadn't been called on to recite the prayers yet, but he had learnt them, thanks to Ace's tutoring, so he was prepared if it was needed.

Ace had found that having Trevor with xem every day, acting as xyr servant, had managed to keep Domspace in place quite well. But the effort was hard, and it wasn't what xe was used to. The effort had exhausted xem to the point of a near breakdown. As much as xe loved how it helped xem feel in control of xyr life, it had become too much to cope with as the Archangel was more present in xyr consciousness. The human body could not cope with that for very long. It meant more time in front of xyr shrine as the physical effort needed to tend to the dying in person was not always possible. 

Xe had become quite depressed about that, that the one thing that kept xem sane wasn't something xe could manage for very long. Xe could not do xyr duty as well as xe needed to do, and it left xem feeling ashamed and unworthy. Xe hadn't found the right balance yet between Domspace and preserving xyr sanity, now that Trevor was around. Xe wasn't sure when xe'd figure that out.

Xe had woken up that morning feeling tired and irritable. It was five am and xe'd barely slept. Insomnia was threatening to creep back again, and xe spent a moment praying it would go away, reciting the Modeh Ani prayer several times to enforce the request. Instead of getting up, xe lay there in bed. Xyr low state of mind had brought the voices back, and xe heard nothing but disapproval at xyr inability to control a willing submissive. 

No one wanted to be near the Angel of Death anyway. Xe wasn't the sort of Archangel that had friends or devotees. No one sung xem praises like they did to Mikha'el. They cast wards to keep Azriel away as long as possible. No, the only time the Angel of Death came to visit human beings was when their time was up. They weren't meant to see xem before that time, but being human now made that rule harder to keep. Xe had too much compassion that was hard to shake with the people xe met. 

Xyr power was not so strong now, though that did not mean xe was powerless. Xyr words were still powerful if xe used the right ones, which had left xem sometimes quite terrified of speaking in case xe caused the world to fall. Xe did not want to be around anyone in case they touched xem and ended up dead. But this power also had a darker side, and it was harder not to use it when xe was angry and felt threatened. Xe did not always feel so much guilt about cursing anyone who challenged xem. 

One of the biggest challenges in being forced to live as a human was trying to live the way humans lived. It made friendships a lot harder to maintain. Azriel was not the sort of Archangel people invited around to dinner. Not like Mikha'el or Gavri'el, the friendly Archangels. No, Azriel was not that sort of Archangel, and perhaps xyr presence in the world was driving people away for a reason. Xe did think it was wise to keep people away before it was their time. If they touched xem, if they forced xyr hand, xe might curse their souls to eternity before xe had any idea what xe'd just done. 

This came to be a problem, though, where Trevor was concerned. The Archangel had thought long and hard about pursuing a friendship with Trevor. He was human, and while xe had succeeded in removing the curse from Trevor's soul xe'd placed there some time ago, it still didn't sit well with xem. Xe had to be careful with xyr words. The Angel of Death was appearing to a human well before their time, and xe was sure there was something wrong with that. 

But maybe Lucifer was right, that once cursed, Trevor's soul was somewhat immune to anything the Archangel of Death could throw at him, even once it had been restored to him. Certainly it had given him something of a knack of helping xem with Archangel work, and Trevor had even begun feeling the thin threads of the dying they called out to the Archangel. Perhaps the curse had been a blessing in disguise, so that he would be protected and better able to help the Archangel with xyr work. Trevor could even touch xem without fear of losing his soul, though looking at xyr Angelic form was still not something he could bear to do. Lucifer wasn't sure if he would be protected and had cautioned against it. 

The Archangel was still in bed when Trevor came round that morning. Xe was feeling much more like a fallen Archangel that day, unworthy of xyr position in Heaven. Archangel of Death he may be, but that did not help. Xyr place was among the people anyway, it was where xe did xyr work, but there was a difference between walking with humans and being a Fallen Archangel, and Ace was definitely the latter. Xe was living a human life wracked with madness, and xe did not remember what xe had done, if anything at all, to have caused such a damnation. 

Trevor found xem in xyr room and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Not so good again?"

The Archangel shook xyr head. "Tired, Trev. Can't think again. They tell me I'm no good. Wings are gone, too. Can't feel 'em anymore. Ha-Shem took them from me."

Trevor rested a hand on xyr arm. "Come on, get up. We'll go for a walk, yeah?"

The Archangel wasn't so sure about that. "Oh, but, no, I can't. I can't bear to have them lookin' at me. You know I can't- They can't look at me." 

"Ace, I'm here. They won't touch you, not if you don't want them to," Trevor said.

The Archangel still wasn't convinced, but xe reluctantly nodded xyr agreement. "Alright, we'll go for a walk. Just a walk, mind. I ain't doing nothing else."

"It's just a walk, Ace. You've been in here for three days now. It ain't healthy. I just wanna get you out of the house for a while. You gotta learn to trust me when I tell you what you need, and you need this," Trevor said.

"Alright, get me out of bed then," the Archangel said.

Trevor helped xem up and the Archangel wandered over to the wardrobe. Trevor followed, wondering exactly what xe'd put on this time. The Archangel didn't particularly care about what xe was meant to be wearing, but Trevor was trying to make xem tone it down a little. Not destroy xyr sense of style, but at least make it less likely xe'd get harassed walking down the street to get some milk.

"What'll it be this time? You're not going to wear any fetish gear, are you?" Trevor said.

The Archangel looked through xyr clothes. "Maybe. I dunno. What do you think? You know I have strange ways of thinking about things. I don't know what's normal."

"You want me to pick something? Or just leave you to it while I go make coffee?" Trevor said.

"Coffee. Hmm. I know I shouldn't have it, but yes, go make coffee. And get me stupid pills. I'll find something to wear," the Archangel said. 

"Meet me in the kitchen when you're done," Trevor said as he left.

 

The Archangel nodded as he left. Xe turned back to xyr clothes. Xe had a lot of strange things. Xe pulled out a sequinned dress. No, maybe not. Too dressy. Xe had half a mind to go in what xe was wearing, but xe knew what Trevor would say and decided against it. Xe did have more normal clothes now that Trevor was around. Xe had never really known what they were before, and having Trevor there to help xem out with that was a blessing. Xe needed help with normal. The body was weak. Being beaten up wasn't something xe wanted to repeat. In the interests of not dying before xe was meant to head back up to Heaven, xe had reluctantly agreed that perhaps xe might not provoke people so much with xyr public attire. That rule didn't apply at home, though, where xe wore whatever xe liked. That was when xe could shut the world out and create xyr own normal. 

Xe opened a drawer and pulled out a pair of trousers. They looked normal enough, didn't they? Xe didn't think on it much longer and set them aside. Xe didn't know what it was like outside though. Maybe xe'd need a jacket as well as a shirt. Xe did sometimes feel ever so cold outside, even when it wasn't that cold. Rummaging around in another drawer, xe pulled out a dark shirt and a denim jacket. Along with a beanie, xe was done. 

Xe dressed slowly. Xe wasn't entirely sure about how proper xe looked. In spite of xyr defiant method of wearing whatever xe managed to pull out that morning, even if it was a truly eccentric combination of a pair of shorts, some football socks, and a women's dress jacket, combined with a sequined shirt with a love heart on the front and a gaudy bow-tie, xe did notice the odd looks. Xe always noticed when someone looked at xem strangely. It fed into xyr paranoia when xe wasn't feeling as strong as xe liked. Xe just didn't know how to gauge when xe was conforming and when xe wasn't. When xe didn't care, when the Archangel was confident in xyr power and superiority, it was great, but when it got too much, xe fretted over everything and decided to stay home, praying madness would not crush xem into oblivion again. 

So much of it was tied up with xyr identity. As xe stood there naked, xe was forced to look at xyr body. Xe could see all its imperfections. Xe used to have breasts like a woman, but xe'd managed to convince xyr doctor xe would be much happier without them, so xe'd had surgery to have them removed. That had eased a lot of xyr trouble. 

The wings xe could almost feel coming out of xyr back weren't really visible. Xe was always sure they were meant to be there, and xe could usually feel them weighing everything down, but when xe looked in the mirror, all xe saw was a human being. Xe had cried the first time xe'd done that, the shock of realising xe was trapped in a human body overwhelming xem. It had partly led to xyr first mental breakdown as everything just got too much, catalysed by the presence of the Archangel coming to the front of xyr mind. 

But it was between xyr legs that concerned xem the most. Xe reached a hand down and touched the warm flesh. It was not of the right sex, assuming there was such a thing for xem as the right sex. Archangels did not have sexed bodies like humans did. Most Angels and Archangels were androgynous beings, freed from the carnal nature of mankind. Archangels didn't even have genitals. They didn't have a sex. It was a problem that xe had one. But xe could find no way of explaining this without confusing people, so xe'd decided that if being male was the best xe could get, it would have to do.

It never felt arousing to touch xemself down there. Xe had no idea why. It was meant to be pleasurable, and xe'd asked a few people xe trusted what xe was meant to do. But they were of no help. Xe felt broken, that this was the one part of human experience that was out of xyr reach. If xe had been more interested in pursuing a partner, xe might have worried about it more. It didn't particularly trouble xem though as xe spent most of xyr time on xyr own, isolated from human contact. 

Xe wondered how Trevor would react if xe saw xem like this. Trevor didn't know about xyr body. He knew about xyr illness, xe knew about the Archangel, but he didn't know about that. Xe had no idea if he'd believe xem the way he believed xe was an Archangel. But xe didn't feel like testing the waters just yet. Perhaps one day xe'd feel comfortable enough with xyr body to show it to him. With a sigh, xe put on the clothes xe'd picked out. 

In a final moment of paranoia, xe pulled out xyr long dark brown robe and pulled it over xyr outfit. At night, it did make xem look somewhat Reaperish, but it protected xyr strange outfits from the world, and sometimes xe needed that in order to cope with being outside. It meant people couldn't look at xem when they weren't meant to. Finally ready to face the world, xe headed down to the kitchen.

 

Trevor smiled as he greeted xem. "There you are. It's all ready for you."

The Archangel approached the bench to find xyr medication sitting next to xyr mug of coffee. Xe paused for a moment and smiled. Xe felt a moment of gratitude. Trevor had done this before, of course, but it was always something xe was grateful for. The Archangel wasn't always good at remembering, let alone sticking to, routines, so having Trevor there to make sure xe took xyr medication was a blessing. 

"Thanks, Trev," the Archangel said. Xe downed the pills with a swig of coffee, hoping they might work enough to keep xem from going mad again. 

"Feeling any better?" Trevor asked. 

The Archangel shrugged. "A little. Where're we going? Just around?" 

"Yeah, thought we'd just walk around for a while. Fifteen, twenty minutes or something. Whatever you like. Just for a change of scenery. You don't have to do anything. Just walk, alright? We can talk if you like, if you want a distraction from everyone else. You said that helped before, didn't you? Talking helped?" Trevor said.

The Archangel nodded. "Yeah, but I had Domspace then too. That helped me focus on you rather than on everyone else. I dunno how well it'll work now."

Trevor tucked a finger under the chain around his neck. "I'm still wearing it, you know. You let me know when it's alright to start with that again. Only I haven't done it since you said you couldn't anymore, as I didn't want to push you."

The Archangel reached out and touched it, feeling the cool metal underneath xyr fingers. "Where'd you get it? I've never seen a collar like that before."

"It's just some good chain I bought at a hardware store. Put it together with a lock and you've got a collar. It's more subtle than them leather ones. Not that I don't like them, mind, but this is easier to wear in public," Trevor said.

"I never thought of wearing anything subtle like that in public, not fer that. I don't have anything subtle. Just corsets and leather and other things most people don't approve of," the Archangel said. "What would I even wear? I'm a Dom. I don't do collars."

"Maybe we could talk about that while we go. I've seen some wearing rings down in London. Fancy signet rings with their names and such on 'em, or thick silver bands with engravings on the inside. Maybe you could go with something like that," Trevor suggested.

"A ring. Like being married. I like the sound of that. Let's talk about that while we walk. I'd like that," the Archangel said.

Finishing their coffee, the Archangel grabbed xyr keys, and they left the house to walk around the streets. The Archangel was feeling a lot better already now that Trevor had turned up.


	4. Chapter 4

Ace squinted a little against the daylight as they stepped outside onto the footpath. Xe stopped a moment, fighting off a headache, and pulled the hood over xyr head to shade xemself. Huddled into xemself, Trevor gently took xyr arm and they began walking. They had no destination in mind; Trevor just wanted to walk, and Ace was willing to go along with it. Slowly, without paying much attention to their surroundings, they ambled through the streets, deep in conversation.

Ace stared at the ground as xe spoke. "I never told you, but I'm nervous about only having you around. It's not that I'm scared of you, but it happened before, when - you remember that bloke, yeah? Do you? The one with the daft pink hair? We hooked up, but I should've said no, and it sent me back there, y'know? Me 'ead just went, and I ain't never felt safe since, not with only one. Scared the same thing'll happen again. And I know you're different, I shouldn't worry, but I'd feel safer having another sub here with you. But I don't know where I'd find one, let alone one I could trust. I haven't got a community anymore. They don't want me. Where would we go, Trev? I can't go back to any of the clubs. But I need it, Trev. What can we do?" 

Trevor shrugged. "Go elsewhere. I know of some good clubs down in Warwick, though. Good ones, I've been going down there for months, but I wasn't sure how well you'd do in strange places, so I hadn't brought it up. What makes you want a third person?" 

"So there's someone for you, and someone for me. Shares the burden, y'know? So you don't have to do it all alone," Ace said.

"You sure you want another sub? Maybe a switch would be better, so you didn't feel like you had to be in charge all the time. You'd have someone to delegate to if you needed it," Trevor suggested.

Ace thought a moment before replying. "I never thought about that. But maybe that would work, having a switch. I don't know where I'd find one though. I've never had much of a support network. It's hard enough getting used to having you here. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like having you here, but it's not something I'm used to. Most of my life I've been alone because I find it so hard to trust people. People aren't kind to me, Trev. They don't want me. Every time I think about how grateful I am to have you here, they come back and say I'm not worth it. That you'll betray me and it'll be all my fault. I gotta fight that all the time. That's what the voices do. They try to sabotage my life. Sometimes they succeed. This is why it's so hard to trust. I just don't know where to start."

Trevor wrapped an arm around xyr shoulders. "Take all the time you need, Ace. If you're not up for going out yet, we'll wait. I want this to work, I really do, even if you think I'm going to disappear one day for an easier life. I'd wager I'm probably too involved to leave now, anyway, even if I wanted to. You need me too much. I want you to be alright, and I don't want you to be on your own anymore. You deserve love like everyone else does. I'm going to keep saying that until you believe it."

Ace tentatively reached for his hand and smiled a little. It was a strange feeling, being loved, and xe wasn't used to it. "I really am glad I found you, even if I don't always show it. Giving you a house key was a big thing for me. There are still mornings where I wake up and feel threatened by that prospect, that someone else can come into my house without my knowledge. But I'm trying not to think that because I know you're not like that. You're not here for that. I'm sorry if I've been no fun lately. I'm frustrated that I can't do what I need to stay sane. I feel bad that I'm not much of a Dom for you. You know I don't do - y'know. I can't give you that because I just don't feel it. Everyone seems to want that, and I hate that I can't give it to you. I keep worrying about that. But that's why I want a third, so you can have that too. Because it's hardly fair that you do everything for me and get nothing in return. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to take your life away."

"One day, Ace, you'll understand why I do this. You'll understand it and believe it with all your heart. Now, when should we go out and find this mystical third person? I don't wanna rush you, but if it's important to you, we should start looking. Down in Warwick, I reckon, away from the club scene here, yeah? How does that sound?" Trevor said. 

"I've never been to Warwick before. Are there really clubs down there where we'd be welcome?" Ace said.

"Yeah, there are. I know 'em well. Maybe we'll go driving down there, just so I can show you where they are. We don't have to go in, but you'll see 'em. Look, if the scene up here ain't doing it for you anymore, and you're keen to have one, we'd better go find you another if it's that important to you, that's all I'm saying. But I don't think you'd take kindly to me shifting you down there right away, so I'm going to leave that decision in your hands. I want you to have somewhere safe to go, where you'll be able to get what you need and have people around you who care about you. That's what I want for us. I just hope it's what you want too," Trevor said.

Ace stopped and pulled away, scared at the prospect of leaving xyr home. "No, no, Trev, I can't do that right away. Gimme a few months, yeah? But maybe we could drive down this weekend, just to see what's there." 

"One step at a time, Ace. There's no shame in that," Trevor said. He stopped and turned to the house near them. "You feel that, Archangel?"

Ace looked up at him. "Feel what?" 

He pointed vaguely at the house closest to them. "In there. Someone's crying out for- Can't you feel it? I think someone's dying in there." 

The Archangel stopped and closed xyr eyes. Shutting out the surrounding sound, xe could indeed feel the tug of a dying soul. That they were outside the house at that very moment seemed to suggest it was time. The Archangel sighed and looked at Trevor.

"So what do we do? We can't just, y'know, barge in there. We're strangers. They might think we're here to murder their kid or something, claiming to be Angels and whatnot. They'd have us taken back to that place. It's happened before, y'know," the Archangel murmured.

Trevor looked back at the house just as the door opened and a woman stood there crying. "Is everything alright, ma'am?" 

"You're the Archangel, aren't you? I've seen you at the hospital, when we took him - But you only come when they're dying, don't you?" she said.

Ace nodded grimly. "It's another little lad, isn't it? I hate these ones. I really hate them. It's hardly fair, is it? To take him when he's so young." Xe sighed. "Come on, Trev. Better go do our work."

Trevor led them inside, and did his best to comfort the woman. Ace stood there awkwardly, unsure what to do. Xe knew what to do, of course, but humans liked protocol. They liked ritual. Just heading up to his room and sending him on his way made it too cold. Tentatively, xe sat down on the sofa beside the woman. 

"'m so sorry, ma'am. I wish I wasn't here right now so he'd have a better life," Ace said.

The woman glanced over at xem, drying her eyes, and reached for xyr hand. Ace pulled away. 

"Don't touch me, please. It's not your time, yet." 

Ace stood and went over to the front window, pulling back the hood. Xe was tired and as xe stood there, the sword and gall appeared in xyr hands. The Archangel's presence was obvious now, and xyr wings shone brightly behind xem. Xe could see the eyes appearing again all over xyr skin.

"You'd best not look at xem, please. Us mortals aren't able to look at Archangels. Just look away while xe leaves the room, please, and don't approach xem," Trevor cautioned, knowing what was happening. 

Heads were covered and eyes averted as the Archangel prepared to leave. Checking to make sure Trevor was alright, xe took a deep breath and proceeded to find the child. The dying soul led upstairs to the nursery. The door was slightly ajar.

The Archangel slowly pushed the door open and found the room empty, apart from the child asleep in the bassinet. Xe approached the child and gazed at him. He looked like he was sleeping. Xe could feel the soul trying to flee, but before xe freed it, xe stopped. Xe had taken enough children lately. Xe didn't want this one to be another. 

The Archangel backed away from the bassinet. "No. I won't take him. I won't let him die, not this time. How can it be his time? He's barely a year old. He's hardly had a good run. Ha-Shem, please, let him live. Spare this child and this family the grief of another lost child."

Rafa'el and Lucifer appeared in a flash of light, standing on the other side of the bassinet. Rafa'el narrowed his eyes at Azriel. Lucifer sighed and looked bored. 

"You do know you don't have a choice in this, yeah? You don't get to choose who lives and dies. Only Ha-Shem knows that," Lucifer said.

"I inhabit a human body, yes? I am meant to be living a human life, yeah? Then doesn't that mean I have free will, just like humans do? I am not so bound to Ha-Shem's will anymore," Azriel said.

"This is not how you were meant to use it. This child's time is up. Yes, it is cruel, but it would be crueller to keep the child alive. It would not be a good life, and these people can hardly afford that kind of care. It is better this way," Rafa'el said.

"Heal him then. Go on. You're the Archangel of all bloody Healing, right? So heal him. Make him better. And let him live. I already took their last son three years ago. Can I not take their youngest son now? How is it fair for them to lose two sons? The human heart does not heal from that wounding. It just doesn't, and I want no part in inflicting it," Azriel said.

"You ask too much, Azriel. The boy must die. Sever his soul now so he can be at peace. It is his time," Rafa'el said.

Lucifer was not so inclined to agree. Their face softened. "Is it true they already lost one kid? Was he as young as this one?" 

Azriel shook xyr head. "Barely six months old. How the fuck is that being kind? I don't mnd the old folks, cos they're expecting me, but kids are so hard, Rafa'el. These poor little babes who never hurt a fly, and now they're being taken before they've had a decent shot at life. It ain't fair, that's what it isn't."

Lucifer touched Rafa'el's arm. "Rafa'el, maybe we shouldn't - He's just a baby, after all. You've healed much worse than him. Give these poor folks something to smile about. Taking him now? That won't do it. I've lived among the people, Rafa'el. I know what they're like. This breaks people. It makes them turn from Ha-Shem and curse His name. Azriel's right. Xe's human now. The Archangel of Death has free will, and xe's using it now. Maybe, just once, we could show mercy. Do you really feel good about this?" 

Rafa'el stood there, his face expressionless. "I am not meant to feel anything about this. It is just what we do. We have no control over this. Ha-Shem says it is his time, so we come."

"Spare him, Ha-Shem, please. Don't visit any more harm on this family. They've suffered enough. Heal this child and let him life. I want to create a miracle tonight, not a bloody funeral," Azriel said.

As Rafa'el was about to answer, Mikha'el appeared at the head of the bassinet. He looked down at the child, confused. "Wait. You're fighting over a child? Really? This is what you're arguing over?"

Rafa'el spoke first. "It's his time, Mikha'el, but Azriel refuses to -"

"Shh. You'll wake him," Mikha'el said as he picked up the child. "Ha-Shem is trying to be kind in saving him from a life of agony, but perhaps taking him now would cause just as much pain. Does Azriel refuse to sever the child's soul?" 

"I won't take him, Mikha'el. It ain't fair, not to them. Not when I took another babe of theirs three years ago. They've had enough, Mikha'el. Spare them the pain. Please," Azriel said.

Mikha'el looked to the Heavens for a moment before looking back down at the child in his arms. "Rafa'el, you'd better work your magic. Ha-Shem has ordered it. Save his life. This child won't die tonight."

Rafa'el said nothing as he took the child from Mikha'el. Anointing his head, he spoke the words that would heal the child. He did not wake, but Azriel did feel the child's soul return to its body. The child yawned and stretched an arm out as he was placed back in bed. 

Rafa'el straightened. "I do not agree with this miracle, but if Ha-Shem orders it, it will be done."

"Like it or not, Rafa'el, every now and then, we've got to give them a reason to believe. This world doesn't always have to be full of death and misery," Mikha'el said before vanishing into thin air.

Rafa'el turned to Azriel. "Don't you ever try this again. I doubt Ha-Shem will be so lenient next time."

Azriel bristled, and sneered back at Rafa'el as he left, Lucifer behind him. Alone in the room, Azriel felt the Archangel shrink back. Xyr powers were not needed after all. Xe almost reached down to touch the child, but that would probably undo what he'd achieved. 

"May you live a thousand years, child. May you not see me again until you are old and decrepit," the Archangel whispered as xe left the room. 

The Archangel paused a moment on the landing. Xe had no idea what to say. Xe felt a little dazed and tired. But as much as xe just wanted to go home and sleep, xe still had one last duty, to tell the parents what had happened. At least xe had good news this time. 

 

The front room was sombre as xe returned. The Archangel could hear them praying together, the chanting filling the front room with a heavy air. As xe entered, Trevor caught sight of xyr return and left them seated on the sofa. Coming over to Ace's side, he wondered if it was time to go. He couldn't feel the pull of the dying child anymore, and assumed he had been sent up to Heaven.

"Everything alright? Did he go quietly?" Trevor said, keeping his voice low.

The Archangel shook xyr head. "I didn't take him, Trev. I couldn't. Not another kid, not for this family. I just couldn't, Trev. Ha-Shem healed him. He will not die tonight." 

"You spared him? I thought you didn't get to pick and choose? How'd you do it?" Trevor asked, surprised.

"Mikha'el appeared. Rafa'el healed him at Ha-Shem's request. This child will not die tonight," the Archangel said. "You were right. I do have free will after all."

Trevor glanced over his shoulder at the child's parents. "Can they approach you yet? I wasn't sure, so I kept them back."

The Archangel closed xyr eyes a moment and pulled the Archangel back completely, making it safe for them to approach. Xe felt more human now that the Archangel had bound its powers again. Xe stumbled as xe stepped forward, and Trevor caught xem in time and helped xem sit down. Xyr body was greatly weakened by the night's efforts, and xe needed to rest. Xe would sleep well that night.

"Here, I'll go make some tea, yeah? You tell 'em what you did," Trevor said, giving them a smile. 

Ace looked up as the woman approached him. Her husband kept back, and Ace had a feeling he didn't quite believe as much as she did. Perhaps he saw a madman like everyone else did.

"He's gone, isn't he? We've got another son to bury," she said, trying not to cry.

Ace reached for her hands and brought her close. Xe smiled. "No, don't cry. Don't be sad tonight. He's fine. I told Ha-Shem to heal him instead, and He listened. Rafa'el has healed your son. He will live. I promise I ain't lying. He's alive. I saved him. I couldn't put you through another death, not again, not for him. I couldn't do it. So I saved him."

She had no words, and almost didn't believe xem, but then she heard the child's cries coming down from upstairs, and she rushed up to tend to him. Ace sat back, knowing he'd done the right thing. She returned soon enough with the child in her arms. He was awake now, and smiling happily at his mother. 

"He lives, Alastair. Our boy lives! He's alive!" 

Xe watched them holding the child between them, their tears filled with joy. Ace lived for moments like those, when the human soul believed in Ha-Shem with the force of a tidal wave. 

 

They didn't stay much longer, once their duties were done. Ace felt better than xe usually did after manifesting in the world, particularly as xe had not actually had to take a child for once. That had gladdened xyr heart, and xe smiled, revelling in the free will xe now had. Xe felt so good xe even felt up to walking home for once. With Trevor's support, they slowly made their way back to Ace's house. Ace touched the mezuzah as they entered, and recited a prayer of thanks, grateful not to have another death weighing on xyr soul.

Trevor repeated the action, touching the mezuzah like Ace had done, as they went through to the front room. "So do you need a rest or anything like that? You doing alright?"

Ace thought a moment. "Make some tea for me, will you? I don't have the energy to stand right now. That walk home took a lot out of me."

"I could've come and got the car for you, you know. You didn't have to walk home," Trevor said.

"It wasn't that far, it's alright. I'll just sit for a while. I'll be alright in a bit. I know my body, much as I hate it. I know how long it takes me to recover. Just trust me on this, will you?" Ace said.

"Sure, I'll be right back," Trevor said.

Ace sat down on the sofa and finally let xemself be still. Xyr body ached, and xe was tired, but it wasn't the same excruciating ache that xe normally felt after xe'd sent someone to Heaven. Xe was thankful for that. Xe sat back and gazed off into the distance, xyr eyes focussing on nothing at all. A smile crossed xyr face.

Xyr meditation was broken as Trevor sat down beside xem with the tea. Xe accepted it gratefully and held the cup in xyr right hand, preparing to recite the proper blessing over it. Xe glanced over to see Trevor copying xem.

"Like this, yeah?" Trevor said, trying to hold the hot tea the same way xe was.

"Yeah, that'll do. You can just have it on the table though, but you're meant to hold it," Ace said.

"We just need the general one, right? Cos it's just tea," Trevor said, trying to remember which of the blessings over food was needed.

"Yeah, Shehakol, since it's just tea. Do you remember the Hebrew words? Try to say 'em with me and don't forget kavanah. We're talking to Ha-Shem and that requires the proper mindset," Ace said. Xe paused a moment, finding the right mindset, before beginning. "Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech Ha-olam, shehakol nih'yeh bidvaro. Blessed are You, Ha-Shem, our God, King of the Universe, by whose word everything comes to be."

Trevor appreciated the English translation Ace added to the end as they both took a sip of tea once the blessing had been given. He was pleased he managed to get most of the Hebrew correct as he spoke the words with Ace. He was still learning everything Ace needed him to know in order to take care of xem, but it was the blessing they said most often, so he had more practice at saying it.

"There's a glow about you, you know. A better one. Not like you usually are after a death," Trevor commented as they sat there together.

"Maybe I should try saving children more often. I like what it does to me. But I'm not here to act as Ha-Shem. He decides when it is time to go. I just obey. I doubt I will be able to save everyone. I'm sad about that, but I try not to let it get to me. I know Death more intimately than any human on this planet. I ain't afraid of it. But it's still hard when children die," Ace said.

"So what is it like to die? I know what you've done before, how you've taken me down and then brought me back again, and that's amazing, but how close is it? What's it like to know Death like that? You know exactly how it works. I don't think anyone else in the whole world knows that," Trevor said.

Ace shrugged. "I'm not everyone else, Trev. I'm the Archangel of Death. It's my job to know what it's like. You humans have come close to replicating the experience of dying, but there are mysteries you'll never know until you die. Death holds secrets I can't teach you. It's not something I can replicate on you and have you live. Some things are final, and that's one of them."

Trevor stared at his tea as he thought about what to say next. "There are still things I don't understand about what you did to me. Acid changed my world the first time round, and now you've gone and done it again. I remember some of the things I saw, but I don't know if that was just the trance, or if it was something real. I - I saw lots of eyes, and it hurt to look at them. They moved like birds, but I couldn't see no bodies. And I heard a voice. It whispered something to me, but I didn't understand it. Were those real, Archangel? I didn't just imagine those?" 

"What kind of voice was it? Did it feel like it was in yer head, but someone else? Felt like a God, or was it more like a demon?" Ace asked, concerned.

Trevor shook his head, confused. "I don't know. It was too brief to really know for sure. But it hasn't come back, though. Would you ever let me try again, syr? I know you only ever let me do it once, but everything changed after that night, and I keep thinking about it. You tell me all about death, and I've seen more people die now than I ever thought I would. I wonder if what I saw was what they saw. I remember that chillingly cold thread tugging me towards death. I don't know how it didn't take me all the way, but it dragged me down further than I ever thought I'd go. I saw things there too. I'm sure I spoke with my dad, but I can't remember what I said. He pushed me back. That was right before you brought me back again. I keep hanging on to that memory, and I keep trying to reach him in my dreams, but I never get there. He's gone from me. Does that usually happen? I don't know how to feel about any of that."

"I did take you deeper than I had planned. I'm not sure why. No one is meant to hit the deathstream, not when I'm just Domming them like that. That's the cold thread you felt. No one's meant to get that far. But that's where the River of Souls is, too, so I'm not surprised you saw your dad. You might remember the words one day when yer dreaming, but maybe never. I think the fact you went that far tells me you probably shouldn't do it again. I might lose you for good if I take you down again. You're far too susceptible to trance for my liking," Ace said.

"It was a silvery river, wasn't it? Like moonlight shining on the water in the pitch blackness." Trevor said.

Ace nodded. "That's the one."

"I think the voice I heard was the river. It didn't speak, it sung to me. That's right, it was this soft whispering song that sounded so full of sorrow. I can still sort of hear it now. That's not a bad thing is it?" Trevor said.

Ace shrugged, familiar with the sound. "It has that effect on people. Anyone who survives hearing the river never really forgets it. If it's a problem though, maybe you should make sure you get some therapy, when you need it too, just so you're sane enough to care for me. I'd hate to think this is going to destroy you."

Trevor shrugged as he sat back against the back of the sofa. "I don't think it's that bad. I don't know who else I'd talk to about that experience, apart from you. But I talk to Nancy too, about caring for you. I did tell you about that, didn't I?"

"Oh, yeah, you did, too. I forgot about that. What do you talk about? Just me, I suppose," Ace said.

Trevor brushed off xyr concerns. "Nah, well, sometimes, just to keep her up to date on how you're going, but sometimes, I take her out for coffee and we just talk. She teaches me things I might need to know with you, and she doesn't mind listening to me talk through things either. She's what I need more than a therapist. Someone I can go to who'll keep me grounded. She knows you, she cares for you, so she understands, yeah? That's why. I hope you don't mind me seeing her alone."

"Oh, I don't mind, I was just curious, that's all. But she calls when someone's dying too, so I don't mind if you talk to her. I trust her. I don't trust many people, but she's definitely one of the few," Ace said.

"I'll take you with me next time, if you like. I know you're fond of her," Trevor said.

Ace brightened at the suggestion. "Oh, yes please, that would be great. I haven't seen her for a while. I like her. You don't mind, do you? I wouldn't want to intrude - "

"Nah, I don't have anything I need to talk about. You're alright. Besides, it'd be nice to get you out of the house a little. We'll go to the park, maybe, instead of the café. I know you don't like crowded spaces. How does that sound?" Trevor said.

"That sounds brilliant. That would be - really great. Thanks, Trev," Ace said, grinning broadly at him.

Trevor patted xyr shoulder. "Let me know if you ever want to see her, or anyone else. I don't mind taking you. I don't want you to think you've only got me for company, y'know? I don't want you just relying on me. That ain't healthy for either of us."

Ace wasn't sure xe was ready for that kind of commitment just yet, but xe did understand his reasoning. Xe did need to expand xyr circle of friends, but xe would do it in xyr own time. "We'll just start with Nancy, yeah? I need to get used to that, being round people again."

"We'll just start with her. You'll get there, Ace, in your own time," Trevor said, offering a comforting smile. "Feeling any better yet?"

Ace cocked xyr head a little as xe thought about it. "Yeah, I think I am. Getting there, anyway. Let's just stay here a while longer, then we'll go up to bed. Could you stay tonight? Only I could do with someone sleeping beside me tonight."

Trevor was surprised by the request; he hadn't expected xem to ask him to stay over for a long time, but if it's what xe wanted, he'd go along with it. "Sure, I can stay. You'll be alright with that, won't you? I wouldn't want you to get upset because of me."

Ace brushed him off. "It'll be alright. I'm doing alright at the moment. An' having you where I can see you, and hold you, that'll be alright. I trust you."

"Alright, but if you can't do it, don't be afraid to tell me to leave. I'll only stay while you're alright with it. If it's too much, tell me to go, and I'll leave you in peace. I want you to remember you're in control here, you can tell me to go if you want, yeah?" Trevor said.

Ace had known he'd say something like that. Trevor was obedient and loyal, after all. Ace knew that if xe told him to go, he would go. He knew that at the pit of xyr soul, and that calmed xem. Xe could do this. It was just one night, and xe would appreciate having him there. Xe had a feeling xe was in for a nightmare, xe could feel it on the very edge of xyr mind, and xe needed Trevor there for when xe inevitably woke screaming. Trevor would keep xem grounded. Xe needed that in the middle of a nightmare. 

 

They stayed up talking some more before Ace felt ready for bed. Cleaning up the kitchen was the last thing to do before they headed upstairs. Ace was a little nervous about having Trevor in bed with xem, but xe knew xe needed it that night, so xe pushed xyr fears aside. 

"You sure you want me sharing your bed? I can sleep on the sofa, it's no trouble," Trevor said. 

He set the two dishes with cups of water in them beside the bed. Ace had explained they were needed for the morning, when they would wash their hands in bed before getting up, after they'd said the Modeh Ani prayer upon waking up.

Ace reached for him. "Yeah, I need you close by, Trev. I need you here."

"Alright, I'll stay here. Same goes, though. If you need me to go, I'll go. I don't want to make you uncomfortable," Trevor said as he knelt at xyr feet. "My submission still stands. It always will, Archangel. I bow to your authority completely."

Ace felt a flood of relief wash over xyr body. Xe had needed to hear that, to see Trevor kneeling so submissively, to reinforce xyr confidence. Trevor would obey if xe said to leave xem alone. He was a cautious submissive, too, and very accommodating of his Dom's needs. Ace could control the situation if xe needed to. Xe felt confident about that, at least. 

Ace touched his cheek as he knelt before xem. Xe was still a little scared about how this would all go, but xe trusted Trevor. It wasn't like xe was letting a stranger into xyr room. "Cme on, come to bed."

Trevor bowed his head. "Yes, syr."

Ace took his hand and brought him to his feet. They stood there, silent, and for a moment, Ace wondered if this wasn't a bad idea. Trevor stepped back, withdrawing from xyr personal space.

"You get ready, syr. I'll wait here. You call me when you're ready," Trevor said.

"Just - turn around. I ain't ready to - I can't do that yet," Ace said, fighting off the fear of having to undress in front of not only xyr sub but also, potentially, xyr lover. 

"Yes, syr."

Trevor dutifully turned around and averted his eyes. Ace kept xyr eyes on him as xe undressed, making sure he didn't look before xe was ready. Putting everything away, xe put xyr pyjamas on. Xe took a moment to orient xemself in the direction of Jerusalem and recited the Shema Y'srael as a final bedtime prayer, taking the time to settle xyr mind for the night ahead. Once xe was done, xe climbed into bed, pulling the duvet close to xyr chest.

Nervously, xe looked over at Trevor, who was still waiting for xem to finish getting ready. "It's alright now, Trev. Y'can come over now. I'm done."

Trevor turned around. "Yes, syr." He kicked his shoes off and left his jacket and trousers by the bed as he climbed in beside xyr. "You sure you're alright with this?"

Ace shifted a little closer. "I need you tonight. Can feel those nightmares coming. Dunno if I'll have one, but I'd like you there in case I do. I need someone to help me figure out what's reality when I wake up frightened like that. I can't do that on me own."

"Alright, I can do that. I'm already kinda tuned to your sleeping patterns anyway, so that won't be a problem. Do you want me to just sleep here, or do you need me to do more than that?" Trevor said.

Ace thought a moment. Xe pulled back a little and looked up at him. Xe wasn't sure now. Xe reached for his hand and just held it, trying to reassure xemself that this was going to be alright. Xe wasn't rushing into it, was xe? No, Trevor was obedient. It would be alright. Trevor would leave if xe needed him to get out. "Just - just stay, for now. Be there if I need you. Can you do that?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I just wasn't sure if you wanted me to, I dunno, hold you or something, or just sleep beside you. I don't want to crowd you," Trevor said.

"Oh, yeah, that. Um, maybe not hold me. Oh, but I like it when you do that. Maybe just a little bit?" Ace said, unsure.

Trevor settled, shifting enough so that Ace could curl up beside him. Trevor didn't hold him tight, but his arms were close around xem, and Ace felt it was enough, for now. Xyr wings didn't seem troubled, and lay undisturbed against xyr back. 

"What was that you were praying before?" Trevor asked. 

Ace looked over at him. "You heard that?"

"Yeah. I mean, I didn't understand it, though, but I heard it. I like it when you pray in Hebrew," Trevor said.

"Oh. I didn't know that. Um. It was just the Shema. It's like our statement of belief or something. I never quite feel up to doing the full daily prayers, but I say the Shema three times a day. 'm never quite sure which mitzvot I'm meant to do. But I do that. It's one of the few prayers I know by heart. It calms me, y'know?" Ace said.

"Are you going to teach me that one then?" Trevor asked.

"No, probably not. It's only for Jews to say. You shouldn't say it if you're not Jewish, and I don't want you to convert if you don't want to. Cos to do it properly, you gotta commit to keeping the 613 mitzvot as well, and you've got enough to do caring for me without worrying about those too. You're a Gentile. Be happy with that for now, yeah?" Ace said.

Trevor didn't fight xem over it. "Alright, I'll leave it. But let me decide if I want to convert or not, will you, please, syr? That's one decision I don't want you to make for me."

Ace almost tried to talk him out of it again, but knew he was right. It was Trevor's decision to make, after all. Letting it go, xe settled down into Trevor's arms, and they lay there together in the darkness, letting silence take over.

"It'll be alright, won't it, Trev?" Ace murmured.

"I'm here, Ace. Everything'll be fine. And if it isn't, I'll fight off those demons for you, syr," Trevor said.

Ace smiled. Xe felt that in xyr chest, that great sense of love between them. Xe felt xe'd finally found someone xe could really trust, and as xe allowed xemself to drift off to sleep, Trevor's arms around xem, xe smiled, realising xe was actually happy. Maybe xe wouldn't have any nightmares after all.

 

Ace was surprised to discover xe'd slept about seven hours by the time xe woke. Xe did tend to sleep better after manifesting xyr power, but it wasn't always a guarantee. Slowly, xe let xyrself enter consciousness, and whispered the Modeh Ani, the words slipping effortlessly off xyr lips.

"Modeh ani l'fanecha melech chai v'kayam shehechezarta bi nishmati b'chemla rabah emunatecha."

They had been the first words of Hebrew Ace had ever learnt, and xe could recite them off by heart now. Xe took a moment to drink in the calm presence of Ha-Shem. Xe turned to find Trevor still asleep beside xem. Xe reached out and held his hand gently, grateful for his presence. Xe curled up beside him, waiting for him to wake.

 

Trevor slept another two hours, and Ace was starving by the time Trevor finally woke. So concerned about making sure Trevor knew the morning routine, xe didn't want to break from it. Xe couldn't get up until xe'd done the handwashing blessings. As Trevor blinked up at xem, xe pressed a finger against Trevor's lips to silence him.

"Modeh Ani," Ace insisted. "Just repeat what I say."

Trevor nodded, and Ace leant in to whisper each word in his ear, which Trevor duly repeated as accurately as he could. Ace finished with the English translation, to remind him what he'd said. 

"I offer thanks before You, living and eternal King, who has returned my soul into me in compassion; great is Your faithfulness," Trevor murmured, repeating Ace's words.

Satisfied, Ace sat up and reached for the washing bowls. Not quite awake yet, it took Trevor a few seconds to remember what he had to do with the water and the bowl in front of him. He looked over to Ace, who demonstrated the washing technique in silence. Trevor didn't quite get the technique right, but Ace nodded xyr approval. 

"Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu, Melech Ha-olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitsvotav, v'tsivanu, al n'tilat yadayim. Praised are You, Ha-Shem, Our God, King of the Universe, who has hallowed us via His commandments, and commanded us concerning the washing of the hands," Ace said once they were done. 

Trevor yawned as he sat back. "So. Is that it then? What comes next?"

Ace sighed. "You're meant to get rid of the water, get dressed, wash yer hands again, and then yer meant to do this whole morning prayer service thing, but it takes so long and I never have the energy for it, so I just do Modeh Ani, wash my hands, get up and pray the Shema. I'm am Archangel, Trev. I find it so hard to work out what I'm meant to do. Because I'm not a man or a woman, so I never know which mitzvot to do. Do I put on tallit and tefillin, or just cover my hair? Do I light the Shabbat candles, or find a woman to do that for me? Can I prepare kosher food, or am I too much of a man to do that? There are strict gender roles, Trev, and I don't know where I fit. It's so hard to know when I never feel up to doing everything I'm meant to do."

Trevor thought a moment. "Maybe you can do them all. Maybe the way you are is wholly male and female, so you can do both." 

"Well, Adam and Eve were originally androgynous, but that doesn't really help much," Ace said, xyr shoulders slumping a little, disappointed.

"Oh, right. Well, maybe we'll just do what you need me to know. So I suppose there things I can't do then, things you can't teach me, because I'm not a woman?" 

Ace nodded. "Yeah. I'm going to have to do the kosher thing, I think, because it would be improper for you to do it. I'll have to light the candles and keep the household running properly. I don't want to do that, it feels like more than I can do right now, but you're a man, and men don't run the household." Xe sighed. "But I'll tell you all about that later. It's time we got up. Only, we're having breakfast first because I'm starving and I can't do my prayers like this."

Getting out of bed, Ace sent Trevor to discard the water. Sitting on the edge of xyr bed, xe reached over to the night stand and pulled xyr old siddur out. It was well-worn, and the leather was marked, but it was still intact. It still had all xyr study notes slotted in that xe'd used when xe was going to synagogue regularly, when xe didn't know the Hebrew that well. The Archangel's soul might have remembered how to say it, but the body required training. 

Ace flicked through to the morning service, the shacharit, and began reading, whispering the words as xe went. It was no substitute for doing it properly, but xe needed to remind xyrself of what the whole thing was like. Xe'd forgotten most of the prayers. Xe stopped when Trevor returned, and even though xe was in xyr pyjamas, xe led Trevor down to the kitchen to make breakfast, the siddur still in hand.

"So, what'll it be today?" Trevor asked as he grabbed the milk from the fridge for the coffee.

"Don't care. Just no bread, I ain't doing the whole hand-washing, meal blessing malarky all over again, yeah?" Ace said. Xe set the siddur down on the bench as xe watched Trevor work. "I swear, sometimes I think my religion has too many rules."

"Oh, yeah, that makes it a meal. Right. No bread, then." Trevor went and looked in the fridge again. "I got some lamb sausages? Or, um, just some eggs. There's also some leftover fish pie, or I could do pancakes. I can't guarantee it's all kosher, but it's all we've got."

Ace shifted a little as xe reached for xyr medication, sitting on the bench nearby. "Yeah, that'll do. The sausages, I mean, and fry the eggs. No dairy and meat together, remember? But it wouldn't be kosher anyway, so maybe it doesn't matter. Even if all the food was kosher, you're not a Jew, so it wouldn't count. Judaism is weird like that." Xe dry-swallowed xyr pills and got up. "How 'bout I make the coffee, and you do the rest? That's all I feel up to doing right now."

"Sure, if you like. Don't feel you have to though. I can manage," Trevor said as he grabbed the sausages and eggs from the fridge.

Ace brushed him off. "Nah, I wanna help. I want to feel useful, like I can still do things." Xe shrugged again and went to fill the kettle. Xe stared at the water, hypnotised by how it flowed into the kettle. "I wish I could live properly. I wish I could keep halachah properly. I'm such a bad Jew."

Trevor glanced over at xem as he pricked the sausages. "Nah, I mean, you're sick, Ace. You're doing what you can. I'm sure Ha-Shem would understand."

Ace sighed as xe set the kettle on to boil. "Maybe. It's weird being a Jew all on my own, though. Jews are all about community, but I don't have one. I found a rabbi, I converted, and then I got sick, and now I'm all on my own. I've never been well enough to keep those ties going. I wonder if they even miss me."

"Maybe you should go back then. Maybe they do miss you. You won't know if you keep avoiding them," Trevor said.

Ace turned to face him. "I don't know. It's been too long. I don't know why they'd want me back. I'd just cause trouble. I'm not sure I want to go back anyway. Too many bad memories."

Trevor got the sausages cooking as he listened to xem. "Oh? Why's that? What happened?"

Ace shifted uncomfortably, reaching for a couple of mugs as a distraction. "Everything happened. It's a bit of a long story, and there's so much to explain, but the last thing I had to do when I converted was the mikvah. It's like this ritual bathing thing, where you go in naked and say a blessing to Ha-Shem. It cleanses you and makes you ritually pure." Xe stared out the window in front of xem, trying to think of the right words to describe what happened. 

"So it's like an initiation then? For when you convert?" Trevor said.

"Yeah, something like that. Married women are meant to do it after they menstruate, but men, not so much. It's a custom for men, but it's a mitzvah for women. It takes a day to prepare for it. It's like a really big deal. A mikvah is more important for a Jewish community than a synagogue. That sort of important." Xe paused a moment. "It's just like death and rebirth, but not really. Like, you go in impure, and come out pure. A spiritual rebirth that brings you closer, more elevated, to Ha-Shem. So that's why I did it, so I could be reborn as a Jew and leave my old life behind. It was the weirdest experience though."

Trevor looked at xem, intrigued. "What happens? You just immerse yourself in the water and come back out again? Is that it?"

Ace almost smiled at the memory. "Yeah. You're naked, and you walk down and immerse yourself completely. Every inch of your bare skin has to touch the water. It wasn't until the third immersion that I felt different. I was under the water, and that's when I saw Azriel - I saw the Archangel's form - on the wall in front of me. An' I heard that voice in me 'ead, and suddenly, everything exploded in my mind. 'Rise out of the mikvah reborn, Azriel', it told me, and I did, though I felt like Ha-Shem had taken control of my body. I'd always felt the wings, ever since I was a kid, but as I rose out of the water, they were much more real, and I saw the reflection of the bright white light behind me, shining off the wings. I moved in a completely different way. I was alright for a few days, but then the presence of the Archangel just sent me over the edge, and that was my first psychotic attack. It took me months to work out what had happened to me, and I stayed away from my Jewish friends. I was terrified of the mikvah, and the water that had done this to me."

Ace fell silent, and Trevor didn't speak. Ace was never sure just what memories xe had of that time were real. There were so many Angels, and other strange visions. The Archangel's power required taming in order to save Ace from the psychosis, but it was a hard thing to do. The Archangel wanted to fulfil xyr role as Archangel of Death. Ace wasn't sure when it had settled down, but somehow, xe had acquired a place to live, and survived - somehow - all the craziness the Archangel had created. 

"Would you ever change things, if you could go back?" Trevor said after a while.

Ace looked at him, confused. "Go back to what? This all started when I was a little. I always had the wings, and then the dreams started. I sought out a rabbi when I was thirteen, and it ended up here. I'm not sure I could change anything even if I tried. What would I change? How much of this was always going to happen? I'm living as a human for a reason, Ha-Shem ordered it. Running from all this would probably have made it worse. I don't know how to be anyone else, Trev. I don't know what it's like to be any other way."

Trevor reached over and cupped xyr cheek, pressing a soft kiss to xyr forehead. Their eyes met, and Ace wondered why he was still there.

Trevor smiled. "I don't want you to be anyone else. I love you just the way you are."

Ace stared at him, feeling xyr wings wrapping around xyr body, fighting off the insecurity xe felt. "Oh, but - oh, but Trev, no, how can you love a broken Archangel?" 

Trevor leant in and chanced a quick kiss. "God, I don't even know. I just know that I do."


	5. Chapter 5

"I can't do this. This isn't me. I ain't gonna put up with their bullshit anymore," Ace announced as they arrived back home a few days later. 

They'd just been down to the corner shop to buy a few things for dinner. Trevor had been trying to get xem used to more acceptable forms of dress, if only as a way of avoiding trouble, but Ace had not taken the experience well. Xe had come home upset and angry. Xe'd been stared at anyway, even when xe looked normal. Xe couldn't win, no matter what xe did. Xe would always be considered the freak.

"What are you talking about? What's not you?" Trevor said.

Ace didn't reply. Xe left xyr jacket on the floor as xe went to the stairs. Trevor left the groceries in the kitchen and followed. Xe found a trail of Ace's clothes on the stairs as he went, as Ace flung them off in disgust. Ace didn't stop until xe got to the bedroom, where xe went straight to the wardrobe.

"You alright, Ace? What's wrong?" 

"Everyone wants me to be normal. But I ain't normal. I'll never be normal. I'm tired of being who they want me to be. I'd rather just be myself," Ace said. Xe didn't turn to him as xe slid some stockings slowly up xyr legs. Xe could feel xyr wings beating agitatedly behind xem, irritated at being ignored. The cold breeze they created made Ace shiver.

Trevor approached. "Oh, yeah? And who's that then?" 

Ace turned to him then, and Trevor gazed upon xyr naked body for the first time. Xe was a slender lad with scars on xyr chest and female genitals. Trevor tried not to look between xyr legs, but Ace walked towards him then and grabbed his arm. 

"This is me, Trev. I'm the freak and the faggot. Queer and perverted. I'm the one who doesn't fit. The half-mad Archangel of Death that everyone's afraid of. I'm between and without, excluded and invisible. This is me, this is who I am, and I'm not going to hide anymore."

"I know, Ace. I know this is who you are. Have I been pushing the normal too much again? I'm sorry, I didn't think it was hurting you this much. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Conforming is bullshit anyway. Who the fuck wants that?" Trevor said.

Ace stared into his eyes. "I'm the most dangerous human alive. I'm not a man or a woman. My soul isn't human. I'm the Other that frightens society by rejecting all their bullshit. I'm the Archangel who sees all their real intentions. I see straight through them, and that makes them afraid. I'm not normal, Trev. I will never be normal. I stand outside the threshold looking in. I threaten everything they stand for."

"You think I don't know that? We've been together long enough for me to know that. What's the problem? Why are you so agitated all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong? If I have, please tell me what I did. I don't want to upset you, syr," Trevor asked.

Ace backed off. "Look at me, Trev. Look at my body. Come and touch me, human. Come and feel all the scars on my body. I don't fit, and it's time you really understood that. You can see it, can't you? This is who I am, Trev. This is what you get when you get me. You get the freak who doesn't fit in. The boy-girl who thinks she's an Archangel. The mad bitch who hears voices and wants to fly. The one who has to help the dying and gets treated like a murderer for being fucking compassionate. 'Why can't she be normal?' They used to tell me that as I was growing up. Everyone said so. They never listened to me. They all stare at me. They're all afraid of me. This world is slowly killing me and I'm not sure I know how to cope anymore."

Trevor had never heard xem speak with such venom before. He hesitated a moment before approaching xem, resting his hands on xyr chest. The scars where xyr breasts were felt uncomfortable to touch. They didn't look that recent, but they looked brutal and harsh, the scars making it obvious what had happened. It killed the illusion that xe was born a man. But xe wasn't born a woman either. Xe had no conception of another gender. Ace took his hands and moved them all over xyr chest and down between xyr legs. Ace wasn't sure this was entirely the right time to let Trevor see xyr broken body, but xe was too angry at the world to care.

"Are you alright with this? Only you've never let me be this intimate with you before. I don't want to distress you. If you want me to stop, I'll stop," Trevor said.

Xyr expression softened as xe looked at him and pulled him close. "This is me. Love all of me. Can you love this broken Archangel? I'm so horrible and ugly to look at. I'm the grotesque Grim Reaper who harvests souls and doesn't care. I can't feel anything. My body's broken. My mind's broken. Can you still love me? I don't even know if I can love you back. This is the most terrifying thing I've ever done. But I have to trust you because things have been better with you around. Perhaps you're the one person who can love me after all. Maybe you're the one who can fix me."

Trevor hugged xem close. "I've loved you for a long time, Ace. I never expected you to reciprocate it. It was enough that I loved you. It's enough that you're alright. How 'bout we go out tonight? Why don't I take you down to Warwick like I promised? I think it's time we found you a new club. I think I know exactly the right place. You can be whoever the fuck you want there and no one will give a shit. There are friends there, Ace. They'll care, too."

Ace walked away from him, and Trevor felt weird to suddenly be apart. Ace went back to the wardrobe and finished dressing. Xe decided to wear a small skirt, thick black boots, a thin shirt, and a collar around xyr neck. When Ace turned around, Trevor was taken aback. He could see both masculine and feminine features in xem, and xe was decidedly neither. It was the strangest thing he'd ever experienced. 

"Wow. You look amazing. I didn't know it was possible to look so - what's the word?"

"Androgynous. I am the Divine Androgyne, an Archangel sent from Heaven to fuck up this society and all its bullshit rules," Ace said.

"Well, you'll certainly do it with that outfit. You sure you feel comfortable going out like that?" Trevor said.

"I need this, Trev. I need to be able to be myself. I don't care of most of them think I'm mental. Maybe I am. But I won't let them make me be normal. I'll never be normal, so I've decided to stop trying. If this club's as good as you say it is, maybe we should check it out tonight," Ace said.

"Sure, we can go tonight if you like. It's the only place I can think of where you'd fit in. I hope you like it. I know it's a queer club, and not something spiritual, but there's kink there, and all sorts of other weird people. If you can't fit in there, I can't think where else we might go. Just be careful, alright? I know you've had your fair share of harassment out there, but you're not invincible. You're human. You can die out there if they want to kill you. You're provoking them by dressing like that. Most lads out there won't give a shit if you're mad or not. If you piss 'em off, if you provoke 'em, I might not be able to help. You're too precious to me. I don't want you getting hurt," Trevor said.

Ace went to argue with him, but decided against it. Xe recognised the wisdom of his words. "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to go down to Warwick, just to look around, hey? It'd be better than the scene here, that's for sure. I can't trust any of them anymore." 

Trevor smiled. "I thought you'd come round. It's the queerest fucking club I've ever seen in me life, and you'll never guess who's running it either." 

Trevor looked at xem expectantly, but Ace had no idea who he was talking about. "Is it someone I know? Why would I know someone down there?"

"You remember Charlie, don't you? From the band? It's his club. He's running the joint down there, and man, I have not seen that many drag queens and kings in one place before. At least come with me once, just to see it for yourself. If you're going to fit in anywhere, it'll be there," Trevor said.

"You've been planning this for a while, haven't you? I can see it in your eyes," Ace said, tracing a finger across Trevor's lip as he spoke.

Trevor blushed a little. "Yeah, maybe. Ever since you got banned from the old club. I figured you'd need somewhere else to go sooner or later and hoped I could get you down there. They're not regular leather chaps, not like the old place. I'm talking every colour of the rainbow. Gays, lesbians, drag queens, weird fuckers like you, they're all there. I've never seen a place like it before. Will you trust me, Ace? Will you come with me tonight?"

Ace thought about it. "Charlie's running it, hey? Well, maybe it's worth a look. Did you say there were others like me there? Are there other androgynes? Are there any other Angels too? Maybe I'm not the only one out there who's Fallen." 

"Well, I haven't had time to talk to everyone, but Charlie said there were people like that there. People with different genders. They've got a thing every Thursday night for gender freaks and drag artists. We should go one night so I can show you what I mean. Can't say I know of any other Angels, though, but in a place like that, I wouldn't be surprised if another turned up sooner or later. It's that kind of place. All the fringe dwellers like you end up there eventually. All the ones who don't fit in anywhere else. Those are the kind of people who end up at that club," Trevor said.

Ace sat down on the bed, deep in thought. Xe didn't appear to have heard him. "I thought I was the only one. I thought this was just a..." Xe trailed off and gestured vaguely, trying to find the right words. "I thought it was an Archangel thing. I didn't know humans could be like this too. I thought there wasn't anyone else out there like me. I knew this wasn't just part of my madness. It's real. It's who I am. I can't ignore this any longer. They won't reject me because I'm mad, will they?" 

Trevor shrugged. "I'd be surprised if they did. Some of them are pretty crazy like you. I was surprised at how welcoming they were, actually. You won't even be much of a stranger, either. Charlie's there. He'll take care of us."

Ace smiled. "It'd be nice to see Charlie again. I wonder if he still remembers me. Not sure I'd know what to say to him though."

Trevor came and sat down next to xem. "When I told him I'd been hanging around with you, he said we were welcome there any time. He said he missed you and he hoped you were alright. You maybe don't realise how much it devastated us, seeing you going mad like that. You're our friend, Ace, and there was nothing we could do. We were too scared. We let you go. I'm so sorry."

Ace's expression turned sombre. "So that wasn't a dream. I thought all that was a dream. Did that really happen? Being in a band? I'd forgotten all about that."

"Yeah, you were in a band with me and Charlie called The Move. You do remember that, don't you?" Trevor said.

Ace nodded. "Oh, I do, but it feels like a dream. All melded together into one big mess. This is part of what happens to me, Trev. Psychosis makes me doubt my own memories. I can't work out what's real anymore. I can't always remember if something really happened. I got all these dark spots I can't fathom, as well as all these other memories I can't keep track of. I got all the Archangel's memories, too, y'see? They're all confused and sometimes I'm never sure if what I remember was actually me, or someone else. They get all fucked up. Which one's me anyway? This body, or the Archangel? Which memories are real? I just can't tell. But keep talking about it, Trev. Keep talking about the band. I can feel the memories coming to life again, and I need to know what's real and what's not, because I can't do that myself anymore."

Trevor took xyr hand and held it gently. He smiled at the memory. "That first show was magical. It was like everything came together that night, and it worked. I remember feeling like, this was it. We were going to make it big. This was the group that was going to make us famous. We went to the Cedar Club afterwards, and there was a girl there, her name was Val, do you remember her? She married Bev..."

 

Ace was feeling a little apprehensive at the prospect of going to a new club in a strange city, but xe had Trevor with xem, and the prospect of seeing xyr old mate Charlie again made xem less anxious. Xe'd come in xyr best corset and boots, xyr wings spread out magnificently behind xem. Trevor was dressed less extravagantly, but it was clear where they were both heading. Ace was intent on courting Domspace again, and felt xe was strong enough to handle it. Xe hoped xe could last more than two weeks. Perhaps practice might make it work so xe could be in Domspace almost permanently without driving xemself insane. That's what xe really needed. Xe hoped xe could achieve that one day.

The club was not entirely subtle. It sat just off the main street, and could be heard long before it was seen. There were, admittedly, a large number of clubs in Warwick, but none of them were as strangely popular as the Queer Barrow in a town that wasn't exactly known as a gay city. No one was really sure why it was so popular, and why it never seemed to attract trouble, apart from the fact that its owner had very good connections into the criminal underworld that were powerful enough to stop anyone causing any trouble. Why they were protecting a gay club, no one quite knew, but no one was willing to speculate.

Ace and Trevor arrived a little after eight that evening. The club was already filled with people as they entered the main room. There was a bar off to the right, playrooms to the left, and a main stage area at the back that took up more room than it probably required. It could've been a strip joint, a seedy bawdy place with horny men and naked women, but it wasn't. The decor had been completely redone, and was extravagant and over the top in a way that actually made sense. Nothing looked out of place, not even the two glittery Sphinx that marked each edge of the stage. 

The people inside fitted the decor. Not everyone seemed kinky, but there were plenty there who were sporting fetish gear, along with several cross-dressers and at least one person whose gender Ace just could not place. Xe looked around, wondering what to do. 

"I'll buy you a drink, syr. What'd you want? You still like brandy?" Trevor said, interrupting xem.

"Oh, I do, but, um, I'd better not, actually. It doesn't agree with me, not once I've had me pills. Fucks with me 'ead. I thought I told you about that?" Ace said.

"Oh, yeah, that's right. Should've remembered that. Sorry. So you want anything else then?" Trevor said.

"I don't know. You pick. Nothing alcoholic, though," Ace said, fishing out a few coins.

Trevor shoved the money in his pocket. "Be right back, syr."

Ace stood back, watching the scene before xem. Xe wondered where the other people like xem were. Would xe recognise them if xe saw them? Xe couldn't sense any other Angels around, but that didn't mean they weren't there. Xe shrugged, giving xyr wings a shake as xe stretched them out behind xem. It compounded xyr feelings of alienness, being alone in a room full of queer strangers. No one was dying, at least. Xe could stop worrying about that for the time being. Xe hoped that wouldn't interrupt xyr night. Xe had a feeling that fleeing to the dying in a new and strange town might just get xem in more trouble than it was worth. They might just lock xem up instead.

Xe did like the club, though. Xe leant back against the bar, taking in everything xe could see. There were all sorts of people there. It wasn't like the old leather clubs xe'd spent time in before. It wasn't like any club xe'd ever been in before. It was bright and colourful, and had a much happier atmosphere to it than xe was expecting. The diversity was as thrilling as it was terrifying. They could not be defined in any simple way. Xe was surprised that the music wasn't that loud, either. Even when a drag queen came out to perform, her hair a glittering messy beehive, it was still possible to talk quietly and not interrupt anything. Xe found that odd. Then a voice interrupted xem.

"Well, if it isn't Ace Kefford at last. I see Trev brought you along after all." 

Ace turned to see Charlie there, smiling broadly as he walked towards xem out of the crowd. Ace hadn't expected to see him, even though xe knew he'd be there somewhere, and xe smiled back as Charlie pulled xem into a hug. 

"Yeah, I'm here, Charlie. I'm here," Ace murmured, hugging him back.

"Man, it's so good to see you again. Heard you've had a rough time of it over the past few years. You're welcome here any time. Come round as much as you like," Charlie replied.

Ace reluctantly let him go and took a moment to look him over. He still looked like xyr last memory of him, albeit older. But that warm smile of his was still there, just like xe remembered. "What is this place? How'd you end up here anyway? Last I heard you'd buggered off to London." 

"Oh, it's not mine, I'm just looking after it. It belonged to a friend of mine, but he had to go away, so he asked me to come and take care of it for him. Do you remember Wilf at all? He was one of our minders way back when. It's his club. We're protected here, though I'm sure I don't need to tell you by who. You're safe here," Charlie said.

"Wilf?" Ace parsed the name in xyr head but couldn't find any memories of him. "No, I don't remember him. But I got kicked out of my last club for my own good. Said I was too dangerous, that I couldn't consent properly because I'm sick. I hope you'd never do that to me here. Domspace keeps me sane, Charlie. I need that. Can I do that here?" 

"You can do whatever you like. We've got a lot of damaged people here, so consent is important. We decided the best way to handle consent issues with people who sometimes need to play to stay sane, like the way you need Domspace, is to give them the agency to decide their capacity to consent for themselves. Nothing happens without explicit consent, so if you're not comfortable with where something's going, you can stop it any time. We don't dictate who can play and who can't, though, not unless it's obvious someone's not in any fit state to play. Like, if someone's had a breakdown, or if they're too intoxicated, we won't let them play, but for the most part, we don't really step in. We find everyone's happier this way. So don't worry about being kicked out like you were at your old place. It's different here. If you don't think you can consent, don't play. No one will judge you for that, I promise. Sometimes, we're just not up for it, and that's alright. No one should feel pressured to do anything they don't feel up to doing, which is why we trust you to know your limits," Charlie said.

"I suppose that's why it's not just a bondage club. So there's other things to do here, not just play," Ace said. "Are there really other people like me here? I didn't think there was anyone else like me anywhere. Ones that need to play to stay sane, I mean. I thought it was just me. Just my weird little thing."

"We've got a very diverse crowd here, so we've got to cater to more than just the kinky members. The club is actually bigger than it looks. We've got some glory holes out the back, there's a chapel, some meeting rooms, and we've got some emergency accommodation upstairs in case someone needs a bed for the night and have nowhere else to go. There's also the playrooms, a proper dungeon underneath the club, and there's a small health clinic that's not ours, but joined to the building. We're open pretty much all the time because we can never tell when someone's going to need us. We're a safe space for people who don't have anywhere else to go," Charlie said. "I'll show you the playrooms once Trev comes back. It's all kitted out properly. You can do whatever you like in there. If you need D/s time, go for it. If there's anything you need, let me know, and I'll get it in for you. If you need a safe space, you've got it right here."

Ace was surprised and humbled by his generosity. Xe didn't feel like xe deserved any of it. How could xe even be sure xe'd fit into a place like this anyway? Xe was too weird, even for these people. Too weird and unwilling to trust. And yet, Charlie was offering friendship and support, and a place to play, if xe needed it. Maybe it would be worth the risk. "You'd do that for me? Why would you do that?" 

"Trev explained about what happened and what you need. He also mentioned what pronouns you like too. You're not the only androgyne we've got here, so I'm used to weird pronouns. I mean, there are a lot of queer clubs here in Warwick, and you'd probably like most of them, but if you have to be anywhere, you might as well be here with friends. Roy and Bev are here too, you know. They come here a lot. We've all ended up moving in around here to be close by. If you chose to stay, you'd be among friends here," Charlie said.

Ace went to reply but Trevor returned then, with a pint for himself and some lemonade for Ace. "That alright? That's all they had. Hey, Charlie. I see you found xem then." 

"Yeah, xe's a bit hard to miss when xe's dressed like that, that's for sure. I was offering a tour of the playrooms. You haven't seen them yet, have you, Trev?" Charlie said.

"Oh, I've seen 'em, but I've never played in 'em. Never could find anyone I liked enough, y'know? And I was happy enough to watch. But I haven't played for a while and I'm getting needy. No offence, Ace, but we both know you've been in no state to play lately," Trev said.

Ace had to acknowledge that. "I know, I'm sorry about that. If you want to play tonight, and someone's willing to take you, you've got my permission to accept. I wouldn't want you missing out. I feel like a bad Dom because of that, that I can't always play with you because I'm not well. 's why I want another for you, so you can, y'know, get what you need when I can't give it to you." 

Charlie gave xem a strange look. "You looking for another companion? I didn't know you guys were into that too."

Ace nodded. "Someone fer me, and someone fer him. That's what I'd really like. So it's easier to manage. So we don't all go mad. But - see, I lost my old club, an' I never had any idea where I'd go to find someone else. Trev suggested a switch, though, so I'm not the only Dom in the house." 

"If you ever need a break, and you can't find another, you'd be welcome to come down and stay with us for a while. I've got a place with Roy and Rick. We'd happily look after you if you asked," Charlie said.

Trevor turned to Ace. "Why don't we stay next weekend? Just a couple of nights, that's all. Just to see how you like it. Might as well stay with friends, right?"

Ace shrugged, xyr wings settling uncomfortably. Xe hadn't stayed anywhere other than home or the hospital for years. But maybe with Trevor and Charlie, maybe with xyr friends, xe would be alright. Xe'd have to try it sooner or later. Xe was beginning to suspect that xe might only find peace once xe moved down here, but the prospect terrified xem. 

"Can I just get used to this place first, Trev? I want to make sure this is where I want to be before I feel up to staying in a strange house. I can't do this all at once, I just can't. Give me some time to get used to all this first," Ace said.

"Why don't you just come down for dinner then? We'll stay in, and we can catch up. Start small, and we'll work up from there. We're more than willing to help support you, Ace, if you'll let us," Charlie said.

Ace thought a moment. Perhaps that would be a good place to start. "Alright, but just dinner, mind. I ain't doing anything else." 

"I insist on nothing but your company. It's been too long since we saw each other, and I'd wager you'd feel better catching up away from a crowded space like this, yeah?" Charlie said. He smiled again, that big warm smile, and Ace couldn't help believing him. Xe could always trust that smile.

Ace managed a weak smile back. "Yeah, I'm not good with crowds. But it's better with Trev. I can cope better. Now, you gonna show me these playrooms? I wanna see what you've got on offer."

Charlie gestured them to follow. "Well, then, come with me. This is where the action happens."

 

The playrooms at the back of the club were exactly what Ace needed. They were generally small but well-designed rooms, tailored specifically for bondage play. There were a large assortment of hooks, rings, and attachment places all over the walls, floors, and ceiling. Each had a couple of benches and some chests full of equipment, as well as some items specific to a particular room. One had some nets and bags for suspension and sensory deprivation play, while another had a St Andrew's Cross and some stocks. One room had a whipping pole in the middle of the room, and a large collection of whips on the walls.

Most were already occupied, and Charlie got them into one where a very nice bondage scene was being played out. A very naked submissive was currently being suspended from the ceiling while his rather long-haired Dom dripped hot wax onto his chest from a lit candle. Ace stepped towards them. 

"Oh, may I have a go? I've never tried that before," xe asked, approaching the Dom. 

The Dom turned, and there was a moment where he almost couldn't believe who he was looking at before he smiled, set the candle down, and pulled Ace into a warm hug. "Christ, Ace, it's so good to see you again! What are you doing round here? It's great to see you. It's Roy, you remember me?"

Ace grinned as recognition dawned on xem. "Roy! Bloody hell. Where'd you get the hair, man? Who're you playing with anyway? He looks cute." 

Roy spun him round, and a very happy sub gazed up at him, albeit through a blindfold. Roy reached over and removed it. "Hey, Rick, you remember Ace, don't you?" 

Rick squinted as he looked at him. "Ohh, yeah, Ace! It's been a while, man. Um. What are you doing here? I thought - I'd heard all sorts of bizarre things about you. Didn't know what to believe. How on earth did you end up here?" 

"It's xyr first time. Trev brought xem round," Charlie said.

Ace blushed a little. Xe felt xyr wings partly wrap around xyr body, an invisible shield against the rest of the world. Xe scratched the back of xyr head distractedly. "I've been - I haven't been well. But I'm getting better. But I lost my old club and I'm looking for a new one. Trev suggested we come here."

Roy gave xem another hug. "Are you gonna be alright now? Cos I was so worried about you." 

Ace hadn't expected that sort of reaction. Xe hadn't expected any of xyr old friends to care enough about xyr wellbeing. They wouldn't have abandoned xem if they'd cared. "I'm getting there. But I've got Trev now. I haven't had anyone with me for so long. You don't hate me do you? I'm sure I said some awful things to you before. Not sure I deserve your friendship. Why you'd want to be friends again I have no idea. I'm not worth your time. But I wasn't thinking straight back then either. I'm still not. Um, Charlie, can we save any more reunions for later? I think this is about as much as I can deal with right now. I need some space. It's feeling too crowded in here."

"Sure, whatever you want. You guys want to meet us backstage? There's a lounge out there where we can talk more privately," Charlie said.

"Sure. We'll be there once we're done with the scene," Roy said.

 

And with that, Charlie led them out and through to the backstage area. Certainly part of it was dressing rooms and other assorted rooms for the stage, but beyond that was a restricted area that led to a rather plush lounge with a private bar and a pool table, along with some very nice lounges. Charlie ushered them in, and Ace sat down on one of the sofas, Trevor beside xem. Trevor took xyr hand, and Ace smiled. Charlie came and sat in the adjacent chair.

"So, what's been happening with you? How have you been?" Charlie asked.

Ace sighed, staring into xyr empty glass. Xe didn't remember finishing xyr drink, but apparently xe had. Xe set the glass down on the ground. Xe didn't really know where to begin. Did xe dare mention the Archangel? Would Charlie believe xem if xe told him? Perhaps xe should leave it out for now until xe was sure xe could trust him. Xyr wings curled around xyr body protectively as xe sat there.

"Not well, Charlie. I've messed up me 'ead, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's been years, and I've had better days and terrible days. I'm not better yet, though. When I - when I got kicked out of - "

Ace paused, unsure xe was ready to revisit that. Trevor stepped in for xem. 

"Xe got kicked out of our old club a few months ago. I told you about that, yeah? Only it, well, sent xem mad. Got xem sent to hospital. I was there too, that night, and I saw what happened. I saw how frightened xe was, so I tracked xem down. I didn't want xem to be alone any longer, so I'm helping xem out now. We'd been playing together in the club for months, but that was as close as we were. It didn't get any deeper again until later," Trevor said.

Ace looked relieved at his intervention and squeezed his hand in thanks. It was still hard to talk about. It wasn't far enough in the past for it not to trigger another attack if xe thought about it all again. Xe stared at the ground, ashamed at what was being admitted to him. All xyr secrets were coming out, and xe wasn't entirely prepared for it. 

"Y'don't know how hard it is, Charlie. I want to tell you, but I just can't get the words out," Ace said, frustrated at xyr inability to talk about what xe'd been through.

"There's no rush, Ace. I'm not here to start a confessional. I'm not your priest. I'm not your therapist. I'm just a friend who cares about you. Take as much time as you need. Maybe it won't be til next week, or the month after that. As long as you're alright, I don't care about that," Charlie said.

Ace stared at him, trying to read his expression. Xe had never been very good at that. "But - y'don't understand. There are things about me y'need to - I'm not - I'm not really - I can't pretend - "

Trevor wrapped an arm around xyr shoulders and brought xem close. "Don't force it, Archangel. Just calm down. Breathe, Ace. Just breathe. You're safe here, I promise," he whispered.

Charlie looked concerned. "What's wrong, Ace? Do you want me to give you some space?"

Ace leant in and whispered in Trevor's ear. Xe just could not say the words, and needed Trevor to speak for xem. It was a humiliating situation, but the words just did not want to be spoken, not by xem. 

"No, it's not that. What xe's trying to say is that xe's an Archangel. Xe's not human-souled." Trevor glanced at xem to check he was getting it right. Ace nodded and whispered in his ear again. "Divine Androgyne, that's the description xe uses. Xe's afraid to speak about it in case you think it's just another delusion, like everyone else thinks it is, but xe still wanted to tell you in case you're trustworthy."

Charlie was surprised, but didn't look angry. "An Archangel, hey? Really? Which one? I believe we used to have another Archangel around the traps too, but I haven't seen them for months."

"Xe's Azriel, the Archangel of Death," Trevor said without being prompted. 

Ace shrunk back from them, waiting for the inevitable backlash. No one ever liked being near xem, not when they found out who xe was. "Don't touch me, Charlie. I'll take yer soul away. Just keep away from me, please."

"It's alright, I wasn't going to touch you. I've never met an Archangel of Death before though. I think the other Angel was Samkiel or Samuel. They said they were the Destroyer. But like I said, I haven't seen them for months," Charlie said.

Ace looked up at him then, xyr expression a look of both caution and elation. "It wasn't Samael, was it? Did they ever call themselves Lucifer?"

"Samael. Yes. That's it. Said it was their true name, but they did more commonly go as Lucifer. How did you know it was them? Do you know them?" Carl said.

"Yeah, I know Lucifer. Xe helps me with my work. I sever the souls, and xe takes them up to Heaven. I can't ascend there, but Lucifer volunteered to take my job for me while I'm down here as a human. That might be why you haven't seen them. Samael got their powers back and isn't one of the Fallen anymore," Ace said.

"Yes, they mentioned that too." Carl hesitated a moment before he continued. "This is all real, isn't it? You two are real Archangels. This isn't just some form of madness. But if you can't touch people because you'll take their souls away, how can Trevor touch you? Hugging you wasn't bad, was it?" 

"No, no, you'll be fine with that, I think. But you'll have to be careful. But Trevor, he's special, blessed by Ha-Shem. It's cos of the work he does for me. He helps me out, so he's sort of immune to my powers. He needs to be able to touch me in order to help me out. But he can't see my full Angelic form though. That would kill him, like it'd kill you. So please don't ask me to do it for you. I'd rather not be responsible for your souls being cursed because you had to see my true form," Ace said.

"Trust me, after a few drunken conversations with Lucifer, that's the last thing I'd ever ask from you," Charlie said.

"I still can't believe Lucifer used to come here. We are talking about the same Lucifer, aren't we?Bit of a trickster, but not really dangerous? That odd kind of long brown hair? About so high?" Ace said.

Charlie nodded in agreement. "Sounds like them, yeah. Jewish, or so they said. Surprisingly popular submissive."

Ace sighed, suppressing a smile. "Samael always did like being ordered about, that's for sure. They're a bratty submissive. If you're going to find Archangels anywhere, bondage clubs aren't a bad place to start. It's a hierarchy thing. Particularly for those of us who serve Ha-Shem, the Jewish God. We don't have free will, so we just get ordered about a lot. We can't say no. Bondage helps with that. Except I prefer Domming. It's the one way I can get some semblance of control over my own life. I suppose Lucifer prefers it the other way around. But then they chose to Fall, whereas I was ordered to Fall. Being a Dom helps me claw back some ounce of control when the Archangel isn't sending me mad. This body is so weak, Charlie. It can't handle the full power of the Archangel. It's why I'm half-mad. Angel sends me mad, but I can't escape it."

"It'll be alright, Ace. You've got us now. We'll take care of you. I genuinely mean that. Me, Roy, Bev, Rick, we've all got your back, alright? Let us be your companions when you need us. I'd be happy to Dom Trevor for a while if you needed a break. That's what we do here at this club. We're a family, Ace. We all take care of each other. And you're part of that too. There's a place here for you, if you want it," Charlie said.

Ace didn't believe him. "Why would you want a Fallen Archangel like me? I'm the one everyone rejects. I'd hardly fit into a place like this."

Charlie shrugged. "Trevor's right. You don't deserve to be on your own. Maybe it's taken us a while to reconnect again, but we still care about you. We never stopped caring about you. I've been waiting for you to work that out, so maybe we could talk again. I don't expect you to commit to anything right now, but please think about it, Ace. We're offering our support, no strings attached. Archangel or human, it doesn't matter to me. We had Lucifer here with no trouble at all. At least, no trouble we couldn't handle. Promise me you'll think about it. We'll still be here, no matter how long it takes."

Ace stared at the floor. Trevor took xyr hand softly, showing his support. Ace was scared of having more people in xyr life, but they were old friends. They were people xe could trust. Perhaps that would make it alright. Perhaps it was what xe needed, more people around to keep things going. Maybe Lucifer was a sign, too. Lucifer was the light-bringer, after all, and they were working for Ha-Shem now. That meant they probably had less free will than before. Perhaps they'd been sent as a sign for xem, so xe would know where xe was meant to be.

"Alright, I'll think about it, but no promises. This would involve moving down here, and that's a terrifying thing for me to contemplate, Charlie. I'm not good with change, and I won't do that without good reason. Just give me time, yeah? I need time to work all this out in me 'ead," Ace said.

 

Ace and Trevor didn't stay much longer. The crowds were beginning to wear Ace out, even though xe had enjoyed being there. Xe had felt at home, and even if it took xem a while to get used to being back in crowded rooms again, xe was willing to stick with it if it meant xe had a safe space. Promising to return again, they bid Charlie a fond farewell and headed home. 

It wasn't very late, but Ace didn't have the energy to be out late anymore - not at clubs anyway. This, of course, meant nothing to xyr periodic bouts of insomnia, but that was different. Those generally coincided with xyr more introverted moods, where xe found it too hard to leave the house. It was usually a sign xe was falling close to psychosis again. It was one of the few signs xe had to indicate when things were getting too much.

Ace was glad to be home again, though. Xe touched the mezuzah gratefully as they entered the house, happy to be back. They went through to the kitchen. Trevor went to make some tea, but Ace stopped him.

"No, let me do it for once. I can still make tea. I ain't totally useless." 

"Sure, go ahead," Trevor said, stepping back.

Indeed, Ace was still good at making tea. Xe prided himself on the things xe could do, even if they weren't that big or significant. A cup of tea was a cup of tea, after all. Xyr doctor had encouraged this behaviour as a way of combating the negative talk the voices could sometimes throw at xem. Ace was sceptical about how taking pride in making a cup of tea could make xyr voices back off, but xe was surprised it actually worked when xe first tried it. It had given xem a confidence boost, and with Trevor to help xem out when xe needed it, xe was in a much better position than xe had been a few months earlier. 

Trevor kept back, leaning against the bench as he watched Ace fill the kettle. "So, what did you really think of the club?"

"I liked it. I mean, it'll take a while to get used to being in a club again, but I liked it. I like that our old friends are there. I have to believe they're still genuine or I'll spiral back into madness. I have to believe in them. I need this to work, Trev," Ace said. Xe set the kettle on the stove to boil and went to get some mugs out of the cupboard. 

"What do you think about going to the Gender Freaks nights? They're on every Thursday evening. We don't have to go right away, but I think it'd be good for you to see others out there like you. Other gender diverse people and androgynes. Charlie didn't mention it, but they've got a counsellor who comes round that night too. She's got an open session out the back where we were for anyone who wants someone to talk to. I know you're wary of new psychs, but having met your current doctor, I'd say she's probably better for you. She'd believe you if you told her about your queerness and the Archangel. Promise me you'll think about it at any rate," Trevor said.

Ace glanced at him as xe spooned some tea into the pot. "They have counsellors at that club? Why?" 

"Charlie said it's because it's not just a club. They're often open during the day, too. Charlie said they're something of a main point of contact for much of the queer community in Warwickshire. They do more than just operate a club at night, so they have counsellors too. You'd be surprised at how damaged some of the people there are. They've just got really good at hiding it because, like you, they've had trouble finding a psych who'll believe them long enough to help them get better," Trevor said.

Ace contemplated the last spoonful of tea before letting it drop into the pot. "I've never heard of a club doing that sort of thing before. I could use that too, couldn't I? If I lived closer. Oh, but moving to a new city is scary, Trev. Scary for me. Change is hard for me to deal with. But it would be nice to be part of a community like that. But I don't know if I'll feel strong enough to shake up my life like that by moving there."

Trevor squeezed xyr shoulder gently. "Take your time, yeah? I want you to have a safe space again, and I know you do too. I took you there because I think it would be good for you. But I know moving down there isn't as easy for you as it would be for me. Just think about it, alright? You've got me now, and you'll have Charlie and Roy and Bev too. You won't have to do this alone anymore. We've got your back."

Ace reached up and touched his hand. "Thanks, Trev. I can't tell you how much that means to me."

"No one deserves to be alone, not even you," Trevor said.

Ace offered him a soft smile in return. Trevor reached for xem, and Ace let him bring xem close. Nestled in his arms, Ace hugged him back. Trevor risked a soft kiss, the first they'd ever shared, and he was surprised Ace kissed him back. Xe was still getting used to intimacy, but xe had come to trust Trevor touching xem so it didn't freak xem out as much as it used to. Xe liked the way Trevor held xem. When xe was feeling insecure and scared, Trevor would hold xem like this until xe felt safe again. No matter how long it took, he'd be there for xem, even if it meant missing out on things he had meant to do. Ace was his priority during those times, and he'd never left xyr side until he was sure xe was alright again. 

"Thank you. Thank you so much," Ace whispered.

Trevor didn't reply; he didn't need to. He held Ace close, one eye on the kettle on the stove. Yeah, he had taken on a huge burden in caring for Ace, but every time he thought about stepping back, of running away from his new-found responsibilities, he remembered that night when he'd seen Ace fleeing in fear, xyr support network ripped from xem. Trevor had vowed that night not to do the same thing to xem. He would stay, no matter how hard it was. Ace needed him, and he needed Ace. He was determined to make this thing last. 

The kettle whistling on the stove interrupted them. Ace turned back to it. "I'd better deal with that."

Ace carefully poured the hot water into the teapot and set the lid on it. After that, the tea cosy, which was a tea-stained knitted thing made of yellow and green wool. Yes, xe was good at this tea-making thing. That was one thing xe could do. Xe poured some milk into a small jug and grabbed the sugar. Setting it all on a tray with a plate of biscuits, Ace carried the tray into the front room, Trevor behind xem. 

The front room was still quite tidy, with the exception of a small pile of books that hadn't been put away yet. Ace was proud of that too. Even if Domspace hadn't lasted, xe had managed to keep the house tidy. Xe had been quite surprised at the effect a tidy house had on xyr state of mind. It was ordered. Without the chaos, it was easier to focus. Ace felt it was almost worthy enough to house the words of Ha-Shem within the mezuzah on the doorframe. They sat down on the sofa together. Ace stared at the tea and smiled.

"It's going to be alright, isn't it?" Ace said.

Trevor wrapped an arm around xyr shoulder. "Yeah, it'll be alright, Ace. You're not alone anymore."

"Yeah, it'll be alright. I can make tea. The house is still clean. I can do this with you here." Ace paused a moment. "Trevor? I - I think I might be ready for you to move in, if you'd like to. I think I'm ready to have you here all the time. I know it's taken me a while, but you've been so good to me, and I finally feel safe trusting you," Ace said.

"If you're ready for me to move in, sure, I'm happy to do that. I'm honoured you trust me that much. You've got a spare room, right? I wouldn't want to impose on your space. I know how important that is to you," Trevor said.

There was a flood of relief in xyr body. Xe was pleasantly surprised Trevor remembered that. "I - yeah, it's all yours. Thanks. I haven't lived with anyone in a long time. This is a big step for me, but I think we can make it work, can't we?"

"It's your house, you're in charge, syr. I don't want to impose on you. I just want to be here for you and help you when you need it. You know I'm submissive. If I'm doing something wrong, let me know and I'll step back, I promise. How 'bout I stay here this week, just so you can get used to having me here? Then if you need more time, I've still got my place to go back to, and you won't have to live through the stress of me moving in and then moving out again. I want this to work, Ace, I really do, so if it takes a while for you to get used to living with someone, so be it," Trevor said.

Ace thought about that idea. "So maybe you could stay here a week or something first? Yeah, I could go with that. That'd make me feel better, I think, to take it slowly. It wouldn't be so scary to do that. I hadn't even thought about that, but maybe it's best to do it that way. I'm used to you having a key now, though. I'm not scared when you let yourself in anymore. So I'd like you to maybe move in soon. Because I like having you here with me and it'd be easier, since you live on the other side of town an' all. I almost didn't ask, but my doctor encouraged me to think about it, since you've been a big help an' all for me, and he thinks it's time I stopped living alone, if I can manage that. I'm a bit scared, but I trust you, and I know you won't come bargin' in an' making things worse."

"I honestly didn't expect you to ask for a long time, actually. I was happy enough with having a key. It's a bit hard, managing everything, but I'm in a band again now, which makes looking after you a lot easier. That's the way I see it now. You're my priority. Nothing else matters but you," Trevor said.

Ace looked at him, incredulous. "Really? I've never - I've never meant that much to anyone before. You really feel that way about me? Why?"

Trevor shrugged. "Like I said, you don't deserve to be alone anymore. I know we were pretty terrible friends back then, and maybe this is me trying to make up for it, but I still love you, Ace. I still care about you. It broke my heart to think you had no one to care for you, not even your family. It wasn't fair. No one should be alone, Ace, not even you. I wasn't going to let you be alone anymore. I didn't care how hard it would be. I didn't care what I'd have to give up. Being with you meant more to me. You're my favourite Dom, and you're my best friend. I'm with you til the end. I'll say it every day until you believe it, and then I'll keep on saying it til the end, because I never want you to forget it. I never want you to feel like you're alone ever again."

Ace curled up beside him as Trevor wrapped his arms around xem. Trevor pressed a soft kiss to xyr head, and Ace smiled at the sensation. Xe knew that sensation was real, and brought xem some reassurance. Xyr wings curled around them both, creating a soft warm blanket. For once in xyr life, Ace smiled. Xe was actually happy. Xe couldn't remember the last time xe'd felt like that.

Xe didn't know why all these things xyr doctor had been trying to tell xem over the years were suddenly working, either. They'd never worked before, nor had xe had much success with them. But maybe Trevor was responsible for that, too. Maybe having Trevor around was the difference between falling back into xyr old habits and getting better. Perhaps Trevor was what xe needed to be able to live again and manage the madness the Archangel caused. Perhaps this was all xe had ever needed, someone who gave a shit and wasn't going to leave xem.

And xe was getting better, slowly but surely. Xe still had trouble sleeping, though xe had managed to stave off the insomnia for once, of which xe was very grateful. Sometimes when xe felt stressed, particularly when they'd been doing more death work, things started up again, but with Trevor's help and xyr medication, xe was actually managing. For the first time since xe'd become aware of the Archangel's presence and begun courting madness, xe felt almost like a normal person again. Xe smiled at that thought. It wasn't that xe craved normality at the expense of xyr own unique eccentricities, but it was hard to celebrate that when xe could barely take care of xemself. 

Every night, xe prayed that xe would not go mad again. Xe prayed Trevor would not leave xem, or betray xem. Xe prayed for recovery that would stay this time, and not just go away at the first stressful moment. Xe prayed so many things xe could barely keep track. Xe kept praying because things seemed to be working. It intensified xyr belief in Ha-Shem, enabling xem to begin to get back into the habit of praying every day, three times a day, like xe was meant to. Xe wasn't up to keeping kosher yet, but already the routine of the prayers and Trevor's help had begun to give xem a sense of purpose. Xyr day had structure again, something xe'd been chasing for years without much success.

Trevor began stroking xyr hair. It sent shivers down xyr spine. They didn't talk; instead, they sat there together, just being close, as they drank their tea. Nothing in the world mattered more at that moment than just being close, in each other's arms. Ace felt safe, and happy, and longed for the sort of intimacy other couples had. Maybe one day xe would be able to tolerate it more than xe could now. Maybe one day xe would feel like having sex. Maybe, just maybe, xe would let Trevor into xyr room and share xyr bed, once xe was comfortable and safe enough to allow that to happen. It might not happen immediately, but that didn't matter to Ace. These things didn't seem like distant abstractions anymore. They all felt within xyr grasp, now that xe had Trevor by xyr side. That made all the difference in the world.


	6. Chapter 6

Trevor brought his things over the next afternoon. Ace was a bit nervous; xe hadn't slept well the night before, as xe had been too anxious about what might happen. Xe did have a spare room, though, and knowing Trevor would be right down the corridor instead of halfway across town was both calming and scary. Xe wasn't willing to share xyr own room yet. Xe needed more time to get comfortable with having Trevor in the house, in the same way xe'd had to get used to Trevor having a key and letting himself in. It was just one more thing to get used to if xe wanted Trevor in xyr life.

It wasn't much of a the spare room, if Ace was being honest. It had originally been set up as a bedroom, so it didn't need anything added to it, but as xe'd been on xyr own for so long, xe'd never had any need for it, and all it had done was accumulate junk. But it did have a bed, a night stand, and a wardrobe. Trevor was happy enough with that, once they'd cleaned it out and set all the junk back in the attic. 

"I hope you like it, Trev. It's not much, I know, but, well, I never needed it before, not really," Ace murmured as xe ran xyr fingers across the top of the nightstand.

"It's alright, Ace. It's fine." Trevor sat down on the bed. "It's not the worst bed I've ever slept in, that's for sure. Remember those ones in Brighton? The ones in that shithole of a B&B with those stupid yellow plastic ducks on the wall?" 

Ace thought a moment until xe did indeed remember that particular establishment. "Oh, yeah. I remember that one. God-awful tea, if I remember correctly, and yeah, terrible beds. I don't believe we ever went back, did we?" 

"No, we told Tony never to book that place again. It had horrid wallpaper. Like, really horrible wallpaper. It gave Bev migraines," Trevor said.

Ace smiled a little as xe came and sat down beside him, the memories stirred in xyr mind. "Yeah, he complained about it all the way back home, didn't he?" 

"Yeah, he did. That man cares about wallpaper far too much," Trevor said.

Ace nodded, and shook xyr head. "We had some mad fun, didn't we? I almost don't miss it anymore, but sometimes, I see you playing, and yeah, I want to do that again. But I don't know if it would be worth it. It's not like I'm able to be all that creative right now. Haven't played for years. I think I've forgotten how." 

Trevor was surprised. "You don't play anymore? Why not?"

Ace gestured vaguely, trying to grasp at the right words. "It just never worked. Music used to calm me, and I loved it when it did, but when it started giving me nightmares, I stopped. Playing music woke the demons, and I didn't want any of that. But maybe it's time to try again, just to see if things are different with you around. Everything else is different with you. Why wouldn't this be different too?" 

"It can't hurt to try, that's for sure. You still got your guitars at all?" Trevor said.

Ace frowned. "I don't know. I can't remember what I did with them. It's been so long, Trev. I might've hidden 'em or burnt 'em. I just can't remember."

"Well, let's go see if we can find them. You never know, what with everything you've got stored away in this house," Trevor said.

Ace wasn't so sure, but Trevor took xyr hand, and led xem out of the room. 

 

The attic was the first place they looked. Ace wouldn't go up there on xyr own, xe was too afraid of what xe might find up there, so xe'd left it alone. But with Trevor by xyr side, and a good torch, Ace felt safer. Xe could face whatever might be up there with Trevor by xyr side. 

Xe had long forgotten all the things xe'd stored up here. Xe barely remembered what was in xyr house, let alone what xe'd shunted up here. But maybe xyr guitars would be up here. Xe couldn't believe xe'd thrown them away. Xe never threw anything away. Xe kept everything because it had xyr mark on it, and if xe threw it away, someone would be able to curse xem by using xyr mark against xem. Trevor lit the lamp that hung from a hook in the roof beam, watching the light illuminate the space before them.

"We are tackling this place next, yeah? I mean, I know people store all sorts of stuff in attics, but this? This is too much," Trevor said as he surveyed the mess. 

Ace shrunk back a little, hurt by his words. "I know it's a mess, Trev, I know that, but you know I'm not good at keeping things sorted. I'm not like everyone else, remember? I just can't let go. I can't. They'd use it against me."

Trevor looked back at xem, immediately chastened, and touched xyr shoulder. "Oh, I didn't - I didn't mean to judge, Ace. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I'll be more careful with my words." 

Ace sunk down onto a wooden box. Cradling xyr head in xyr hands, xe stared at the floor, looking glum. Xe could feel xyr wings curling around xyr body, like they always did when xe was scared. "No, no, yer right. I'm really not good at being normal. I dunno why I bother. You know I ain't normal anyway. Angels don't have attics or things to worry about. I shouldn't have expected anyone to think I'm normal. I know you don't mean to, but it's true, isn't it? Look at this place. It's a mess. I know it is. I just don't remember how so much of this stuff got up here, I really don't. There could be anything up here. Anything. Portals to dinosaurs or keys or a lantern with dragons on it. I just don't - can't - throw things away, Trev. I can't let go. I don't know how to throw things out. I just keep them and somehow they get up here. There are too many gaps in my memory to be sure."

Trevor knelt in front of xem and reached for xyr hand. "Ace, look at me." 

Reluctantly, Ace glanced up at him, not moving. Trevor stroked xyr hair gently, and Ace felt xemself calm down. Trevor's touch had come to have that sort of immediate reaction with xem, and xe quite liked it. Xe needed it. Having something that calmed xem so quickly was a blessing when xe was beginning to lose touch with things. Xe finally had an anchor. Xe needed that link back to reality, back to xyr humanity, so xe didn't go mad. 

"Ace, it's alright. It's not a big problem. We can tackle this together, yeah? Together, we can sort this place out and make it somewhere you can live and feel safe, alright?" Trevor said.

Ace nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that. Maybe we'll find my guitars up here after all, though I don't know if they'd be in any fit state to play."

Trevor wasn't concerned. "Not a problem. I've got quite good at fixing them, you know. Come on, syr, let's get this place sorted."

Trevor took xem by the hands and brought xem to xyr feet. It all looked like too much work, but perhaps it was time xe did something about it. 

"But where do I even start?" xe said, helplessly.

"Why don't we start here and work our way through it? It might take us a few days, but we'll be better for it, I think. Maybe it'll make it easier to move, once we know what you've got here. Not immediately, of course, but maybe it'd help to know what you've got and what you need before you decide to move down near the club," Trevor said.

"Maybe. We'd have to go through it all if I was packing anyway, so maybe it's a good idea to do it now, when I'm not committed to that yet. That's still a scary thing, Trev, leaving this place for a new city. I'm not ready for that yet," Ace said.

"I know, that's why I thought we'd tidy now. Maybe we can get this place as tidy as the rest of the house, yeah? You said it keeps you focussed, when the house is tidy. Maybe tidying up here will also help. Maybe you won't feel like your mind's so chaotic," Trevor said.

Ace considered his words. "You're probably right there. Alright then, let's get started."

Ace moved past Trevor to a suitcase behind him that had caught xyr eye. It was a decent-sized one, covered with all sorts of stickers and marks, and it had a paper tag on the handle. Xe couldn't remember going to any of the places the case purported to have been to and went to pick it up to see what was inside it. It wouldn't budge. 

"Bloody hell. That's either glued to that other case, or it's got lead weights in it. Help me with this one, will you?" Ace said.

Trevor tried to lift it and also found it quite heavy. "How on earth did this get up here if you can't lift it? Come on, let's just see if it opens first."

"I have no idea. Certainly not in one go, that's for sure," Ace said. 

The clasps were stiff, but did eventually unlock with some encouragement and the application of a rusty screwdriver. The lid was stiff, too, and took a bit of effort to separate it from the base. Opening it, Ace found something xe had not expected to find. 

"Oh, Trev. Will you look at that? That's all our old - but it can't be. Why would I even keep all this stuff? What use are all these old tapes anyway?"

Ace picked up one of the old tapes and brushed it clean. Xe couldn't quite read the faded pencil label in the middle of the lid and wondered what it was. Xe hadn't seen them for years; xe'd forgotten xe even had them at all. It sent a strange emotion across xyr body, reminding xem of a life xe once led before things had become so bad.

"What are these from? 'Sunshine Moon'? That's not one of ours. Whose is that then?" Trevor said, picking up another. 

Ace glanced over at it. "'Sunshine Moon'? That sounds familiar, but I don't think it's one of mine, is it? When did I even record these? I've got nothing to play these on. I have no idea what's on them."

"We should take 'em to Roy's. I'm sure he's still got a deck to play 'em on. If not, I know for a fact that Charlie's got one. How would you feel about that?" Trevor said.

Ace brought the tape to xyr chest, holding it close. Xe thought a moment. "Oh, but I don't know about that. I don't know if I'm ready to hear all these again. I know I did some solo stuff before, but I can't really remember what it was. I went mad halfway through and the psychosis has ripped out some of me memories again, like it always does."

Ace straightened as xe noticed another tape that had been sitting underneath the one xe'd been holding. Setting it aside, xe picked up the next tape and ran a finger over the label. 'Mother (demo)', it said, in faded black pen. Xe had no real memory of what that one was about either; all xe knew was that xe definitely wasn't ready for that one yet. It reminded xem of xyr family, who xe hadn't seen for years. Xe did still think of them every now and then, but those memories contained nothing but sorrow and grief. Xe had been happy once, back when xe was a child, but as the madness set in, they just let xem go, as if they didn't even care at all.

Trevor noticed a tear catch in xyr eyelash. "You alright, Ace?"

"We should play these one day, but not yet. Not yet. I can't - I need a few more years between me and them before I can face what I've sung about. That one'll hurt, I know it will, and I'm not ready yet, Trev. I'm just not ready for that yet," Ace said. Xe could feel xyr wings folding around xyr body again, giving xem an invisible protective shield. It worked to calm xem down a little as xe fought away the potential hurt the tapes had dragged up from the past.

Trevor rested a hand on xyr shoulder. "It's alright. At least we know what's in here now. Why don't we unpack the case just so we can see what else is in here, and leave them alone for now? We shouldn't throw those out though. I'd hate for you to lose these. We'd never be able to replace them if we lost them."

Ace nodded. "Yeah, alright. Not now. We'll listen to them later. When I'm - When I'm in a better state to deal with them. I'd still like to keep them, even if I don't listen to them. They're precious, they are."

The tapes were set aside for now and the case they were in placed beside them. The next case wasn't so hard to get open, and what it contained was just as surprising as the last one had been. Instead of master tapes, it contained a neatly-folded collection of old stage clothes. Ace reached for them tenatively. 

"Oh, I really am bad at throwing things out, aren't I? I'd hardly fit into these anymore," Ace said.

Trevor eyed xem suspiciously. "You sure about that? You don't look much different to the last time I saw you. Why don't we at least try them on and see what sort of state they're in before condemning the lot?"

"Alright, but you're carrying them downstairs," Ace said.

"Yes, syr," Trevor said with a grin. He shut the case and picked it up as Ace led them back downstairs.

 

Back in Ace's room, Trevor set the case down on xyr bed and opened it, laying out all the clothes as he went. Ace was still surprised xe'd kept them. Xe carefully picked out xyr pink suit that xe'd worn back in '66. It still seemed to be in one piece, though the material seemed thinner and more fragile than the last time xe'd worn it. Seeing it again brought back fragmentary memories of Hampstead Heath. 

"I can't believe you've still got that. I got rid of mine years ago. Bloody thing only went and fell apart, didn't it? But they weren't made to last anyway. I have no idea how it's survived a decade in your attic," Trevor said, amazed. 

"I told you I never throw anything out, didn't I?" Ace tentatively slipped the jacket back on. It did still sort of fit, though as xe tried to do the buttons up, they didn't quite meet anymore. Xe hadn't expected that. Apparently xe'd managed to put on weight, though looking at how skinny xe was, xe had no idea where it was. "How on earth am I fatter than I was back then? I'm still as skinny as a rake!" 

Trevor moved behind xem and brought his arms around xyr waist. "You're not fat. You are seriously not fat. So you've grown out of it. So what? It's not like you were really planning to wear it again, right?" 

"Maybe it's the meds. They're meant to do that, but, like, I thought it'd be worse than this. Like, I seen 'em in hospital and they're all much bigger than me. I don't get it. Look at me. You'd never think I was like that too, just fer looking at me," Ace said.

Trevor shrugged. "Maybe it's because you're an Archangel. Maybe Archangels have different biology or something," he suggested in all seriousness. 

"Hmm." Ace could think of no other explanation, and it felt strange for someone else to suggest that without a hint of mockery. Xe sighed and tried again to do the buttons up. It felt a bit tight around xyr shoulders, now that xe thought about it. Xe could feel xyr wings struggling against the confining piece of clothing. "It feels weird to have this on again. Seems like such a long time ago. Feels like it happened to someone else, not me. But it was me, wasn't it? Everything we did together, that was me. 'm not just an Archangel. I'm human too. We did that, and it was amazing."

Trevor pressed a soft kiss to xyr neck. Ace shivered. "It was definitely you. They were good times, they were. I miss them, you know. Never had a band feel as good as The Move were. We had some great magic. It's a pity it ended. How much do you actually remember anyway? You keep saying you've got gaps in yer memory, so I wasn't sure..."

Ace pulled away from him and sat down, slipping the jacket off. Xe lay it on top of the case and stared at the ground. "Sometimes, I'm not sure I'm actually remembering things, y'know? Like, I see things. Things... mess with me 'ead. Sometimes, I remember things again, but they never quite feel the same. Maybe I dream them. I don't know. I can't always be sure I'm remembering things properly. That's one of the things psychosis does to me, Trev. I'm glad I don't really remember 'em. The psychotic episodes, I mean. But then the Archangel has weird memories too, like being in Heaven and whatnot, and it's hard to figure out what's mine, what belongs to this human life, and what's from the past. Cos we reincarnate. We live again. So maybe there are other lives I remember that aren't this one, and those confuse me too. Add psychosis and those bloody pills on top of that and it's any wonder I got any decent memories at all. I struggle with it so much, to work out what's real. I don't always succeed. It's much harder when I'm not meself, when I'm close to an episode. I never quite know who I am then."

Trevor sat down beside xem. He almost didn't ask, but he was curious. "Hey, Ace. What's it like being psychotic anyway? Are you able to talk about that? Only, I know what the doctor's said about it, but I don't really understand it."

Ace didn't reply immediately. Xe hadn't expected the question. They'd certainly talked about some of those things before, but they'd never explicitly talked about psychosis. Xe paused a moment, gathering xyr thoughts. Xe wasn't sure xe had the right words. 

"I could try, but it's really not something I think I could ever explain to you. You'll never know what it's like unless you've experienced it. It's like the worst acid trip ever times a million. But you ain't never had a bad one though, so maybe you don't know how bad it can be. It's the most terrifying thing I've ever been through. You can't half figure out what your own thoughts are. It's just - " 

Xe paused, trying to find the right way to describe the experience in a way xe though Trevor would understand. "Me brain is bombarded with them evil voices, and they're all yelling nasty things at me, and I can't half hear 'em anymore. I can't even hear meself. I forget who I am, and they tell me to kill myself. Me body melts away and I become nothing. Sometimes I even go catatonic. Like, when I can't move at all. I feel paralysed. That's when they're really frightening. I can't escape then. I feel like I'm being held down. The demons are holding me down and giving me nightmares." 

Xe shivered at the memory, feeling the chilling hands of demons grasping xyr arms again. Trevor wrapped an arm gently around xyr shoulders and brought xem close. He waited for Ace to continue, not willing to interrupt. Ace was silent for a while as xe dealt with the sensations attacking xem. The tremors were getting bad again, and xe closed xyr eyes as Trevor took xyr hand, just holding it. 

"Don't feel like you have to continue, Archangel. I don't want to upset you," Trevor murmured as he held Ace's trembling body. He could feel the muscles twitching, and xyr hands shook when he wasn't holding them. 

Ace gazed off into the distance as xe continued. "I remember emotions more than anything though. Like, the last time, after I got kicked out of the club, I remember the emotions more than what I did. I was scared and angry. I felt so persecuted like you wouldn't believe. I really believed they were out to get me and I hated that I had nowhere else to run. And then you came after me and I was so scared all I could do was curse you and run away. I cursed you, Trev. I cursed your soul. That's why you can touch me. I broke your soul, corrupted you, and now you're stuck with me. I'm so sorry, Trev. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, but - "

Ace stopped, taking a deep breath. Xe stared at xyr feet, drawing away from Trevor. Xe was too afraid of retaliation now that Trevor knew xe'd cursed him. Xe curled into xemself, bringing xyr wings tight around xem to shield xem from harm. 

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Trev. I didn't mean to - I never wanted to, and you were only trying to help, you were just trying to be nice, and I've sent you to Gehinnom. You'll be tortured now, because I cursed your soul. The Archangel of Death cursed you and I can't fix it, Trev. I can't. I can't undo those words. Because my words have power, Trev. If I curse you, it'll affect you, so I gotta be careful. But it's so hard when I'm scared and angry like that, when I feel so persecuted and rejected. I wanna lash out, but the body is weak and won't always agree. So I scream at the Heavens and I ain't careful with my words, Trev. I don't keep mitzvah, and I curse and destroy and bring terror to anyone who crosses me. Ha-Shem save me, because I cursed the one who'll save me. I'm so horrid to you, such a burden, I don't know why you'd stay. Just go. Go live your life and forget about me. I'm too much trouble. I'll only destroy your soul if you stay with me," Ace said, covering xyr face with xyr hands as xe spoke, upset by what xe'd done.

Trevor brought xem close again, just gently, and tried to reassure xem. "Y'know, sometimes I think you're the bravest, strongest, most courageous person I know. Ace, seriously, you're still alive. After all the shit you've been through, you're still fucking here. If anything, you should be proud of that. You're a survivor, Ace, I've always thought you were. Things might get bad, and yeah, you'll suffer for it, but there's something in you that kesps you going. Something keeps you alive when nothing else does. Maybe it's the Archangel. Maybe it's Ha-Shem. Maybe that gives you more strength than you realise. But I know you can get through this, Ace, like you got through all the rest. Maybe you'll never live a normal life like normal people, but I don't care. Who wants to be normal anyway? Normal is boring. Why would you want to be like all those normal people? They don't have Archangels to look after. I know where I'd rather be, and that's right here."

"But - no, Trev. Don't. You're a servant of the Archangel of Death. I'm sure they'll think you're mad, too, just like I am, if you've started believing my delusions. That's how they'll see it. We're both mad and I've destroyed you. I've destroyed you. I cursed your soul and destroyed you," Ace murmured, unwilling to look at him. 

Trevor shrugged. "I don't care. My Master is an Archangel, and I don't care if anyone thinks I'm mad. No one else is like you, and the world wouldn't be as bright without you in it. The world needs you, Ace, in all your fucked-up glory. Go out however you like, tell 'em all to fuck off, and live however the fuck you want. Don't be scared to be yourself. So what if you're the Archangel of Death? I don't care. Charlie doesn't care. We'll still be here, making sure you're alright. I know you're still getting used to having us back in your life again, but we're not leaving you. We've got your back. We're not going to let you down this time."

Ace refused to believe it. "No. I'm cursed and hated. No one wants to see me. I take people's souls. I kill people. They'll arrest me one day and hang me, put me to death for all the people I've taken. Go away before I kill you too. I will, Trev. One day, you'll see the Archangel and die, and it'll be all over for me. The demons will come for you and steal you away. I can't stop it. I'm just an Archangel. I don't have free will. Ha-Shem speaks, and I obey. I'm just a messenger. I just release the souls. How do you survive as a human? I can't bear this life. It's too hard. I'm an Archangel and I don't know how to live down here. I don't know what to do."

"I think you're doing alright, given everything you've got to deal with. So maybe Archangels are different in the Jewish tradition, but I didn't grow up that way. Archangels were better than humans, closer to God. It was an honour to have a visit from an Archangel. That's how I feel about it, Archangel. Maybe for a Jew they wouldn't see it that way, but I'm serving one of God's Holy messengers, and you help bring peace, Ace. Maybe you don't see it, but I've seen it. When we've been out there, and you come to send someone on, I'm there with the family, and we recite the prayers together. I tell them everything's going to be fine, and it is. They see you come, and you set them free, and there's peace. Grief, too, of course, but I don't know. Seeing you there makes it better. Nancy sees it like that too, doesn't she?" Trevor said.

Ace nodded. Being reminded of xyr job brought the Archangel to mind, and xe could feel xyr power filling xem up. "Yeah, that's what she says. All the nurses like it, even if they don't all believe in me. I calm 'em down, make things better. Do you really see me as some sort of awesome being? I'm just a messenger. I'm nothing important. I do Ha-Shem's will, and that's all."

"Yeah, I do. You're so much more than just a messenger from God. Archangels are revered in the Christian tradition. Maybe not by everyone, but they're Saints, some of them. They're special. They're closer to God. We hope to get that close when we die. They're higher beings than humans. And here I am sitting beside one. Now maybe you're not Mikha'el or Gavri'el, but I don't care. I've seen your work. I've seen what you do. I don't believe you do this work, right now, because it's Ha-Shem's will. I don't think you believe that at all. You're choosing to do it. You have a great capacity for compassion, Ace. You just want to help, don't you? To help the dying. And like, with that little kid we saved. That was you, Ace. You saved that kid's life. I'll always remember that moment for the rest of my life. You're more human than you think you are," Trevor said.

Ace looked at him, confused and amazed at his words. "But - I'm an Archangel. I - why would you talk about me like that? I don't - I know I have free will, I have a human soul, but I'm still an Archangel. I just - I don't know how to live like this. I'm afraid. I've never been human before. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I try and I try but I keep doing it wrong. They keep locking me up and telling me I'm mad. It's hard for me to go out because I'm afraid they'll exclude me. They'll persecute and oppress me. I know they're out to get me. That's why I'm afraid to go out. They'll find me, I know they will, and they'll kill me. I can't, Trev, I just can't. Not right now. It's too hard. I'm not ready for any of this."

Trevor wrapped an arm around xyr shoulders. "Yeah? Well, if they want to kill you, they'll have to get through me first."

Ace gave him a small smile. Trevor's protective nature wasn't something xe had really noticed before, but xe was glad it was there. Knowing Trevor was there for xem made xem feel safer. Trevor's touch was calming xem again, and xe was thankful for it. Xe did xyr best to shut down the voices who were crying conspiracy in xyr head. Xe didn't want to listen to them anymore. With a sigh, xe curled up against Trevor and sat there, staring at the floor. Ace had no words left to speak. A wing tentatively closed around Trevor, bringing the two of them into a soft embrace. Xe could've sworn he felt Trevor shiver, as if he'd felt the feathers against his skin.

"Come on, Ace, let's see what else is in here, yeah? I'll even try 'em on for you, if you like," Trevor said, opting for a distraction.

Ace ventured a laugh. "Alright, if yer so keen, you try 'em all on for me. Let's see if you can fit into my old clothes." 

Trevor got to his feet and bowed to xem. "With pleasure, syr." 

Ace scooted up the bed and got comfortable as Trevor undressed and pulled on another shirt and some dark red trousers xe barely remembered owning. To Trevor's surprise, they did actually fit him, but he'd never worn trousers that were so tight before. His cock was aching against the fly, pressed close to his body. He used to think it was a benefit. Now he wasn't so sure about that.

Trevor strutted around the room, trying not to hurt himself. "Whaddyou think? I could go out like this, right?"

"You could, but I don't know if those trousers would last the journey," Ace said. "I admire your dedication, though. Is that actually hurting?"

Trevor stopped and undid the fly. "Just a little. I'm sure I used to fit into your clothes. Maybe I've put on a bit myself. We aren't as young as we used to be, you know."

"Says you, who's younger than me. You're hardly old enough to talk like that," Ace said. 

Trevor pulled a face. "Says you, the thousand year old Archangel. You judging me, grandpa? Well, maybe I'll show you how young and nubile I really am." 

Ace raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "Oh, yeah? How so?" 

"Didn't I tell you I sometimes work as a stripper at the club? Oh, I didn't, did I? It's another reason I like the place. I do that every now and then when the mood catches me. It's a lot of fun, getting up on stage and showing off. I can make some good money doing that. If you ever felt up to it, I'd teach you how to do it," Trevor said.

Ace paled at the thought of parading xyr naked body in front of other people. "Oh, no, I could never do that. That'd require me to love my body much more than I do now. But go ahead, then, if you're so good. Show me what that club's taught you."

"With pleasure, syr. Oh, can I borrow some of your gear? Only, I want a better outfit than your old stage clothes, nice as they are," Trevor said.

"Go for your life. Just don't ruin any of them, or you're paying for new ones," Ace said.

Trevor stripped off again, leaving the very tight trousers and shirt on the bed. With permission to raid Ace's wardrobe of eclectic clothes, he got to work, trying to piece together a good outfit for stripping. He picked out a zip-up corset, some leather trousers, a feather boa, and a long flowing robe. The final touch was a top hat he found at the top of Ace's wardrobe. Turning around, he grinned at Ace and got ready to work his magic. 

"Oh, I so love doing this," Trevor said as he prowled forward. 

Imagining he was onstage back at the club, he took a moment to find some music in his head to dance to and began his typical routine, his hips swaying gently. He didn't make it as overtly sexual as he normally did out of respect for Ace; xe wasn't a very sexual creature, and Trevor didn't think xe'd appreciate it. He was more interested in showing off his skills, particularly when he wasn't wearing clothes specifically designed for stripping. 

He twirled the feather boa around as he walked towards xem. He knelt down and crawled onto the bed, batting his eyelashes at xem as he moved on to wrap the feather boa around xyr neck. Grabbing the two ends, he brought Ace into a soft kiss, lingering a moment.

"I really do love you, syr. I hope one day you can love me back," Trevor murmured as he kissed xem again before scooting back off the bed in the most elegant manner Ace had ever seen, leaving the feather boa behind.

Ace didn't quite know what to do about that, but xe hoped that this relationship would work out better than all the rest had. In spite of xyr fear of intimacy and xyr lack of trust, there was still a small part of xem that desperately wanted to be loved, and it clung to Trevor's words, hoping xe could find the strength to love him back. 

Trevor twirled around, discarding the hat, and straightened. Xe hadn't thought Trevor was as flexible as he appeared to be. Someone had been teaching him to dance, and even though he was gradually removing the clothes he'd put on, it didn't feel like anything perverse. 

"I wish you had a pole in the room, though. I can't show you what I can do on one of them. You'll have to make do with my sexy dancing," Trevor commented as he slowly unzipped the corset.

Ace was shocked. "When the hell did you learn to do pole dancing? I thought only girls did that."

Trevor smiled and winked at xem. "You haven't witnessed pole dancing until you've seen a fit muscular bloke doing it. You'll be surprised what I've learnt at that club, syr. I can do, like, gymnastics and stuff."

Ace folded xyr arms, looking sceptical. "Oh really? You? Gymnastics? Since when?"

Trevor did an excellent attempt at a handstand as he let the loosened corset slip free, given the space he had to work in. "Yeah. Gymnastics." He lowered himself down into a forward roll and managed to get back on his feet with considerable grace and poise. 

"Is that all you can do?"Ace asked. "I thought this was meant to be stripping anyway, not dancing."

Trevor looked insulted. "It is stripping, syr. Just done really fucking well. It's a proper art form, I'll have you know."

Ace went to reply, but stopped as xe watched Trevor start dancing. Xe could definitely see the erotic aspects of what he was doing. He was showing off his assets, and Ace was definitely paying attention to them. It just wasn't turning xem on at all, though xe hadn't expected it would. 

"See, this is the bit where I'd spin around the pole," Trevor said as he attempted the same sort of move, but without the pole to swing around. It didn't quite work, but Trevor recovered well. "I do this spinning thing on the stage. You should come and see it one day. It's awesome fun to do."

Ace watched, transfixed, as Trevor managed to do another handstand and kick the trousers off at the same time. Xe had no idea where he'd learnt to do that, either. Landing back on his feet, there was one final graceful spin. Trevor climbed onto the bed and finished off, presenting his naked body to his master. 

"This is all of me, syr. All of this belongs to you. Everything I do is out of love for you. That's enough for me," Trevor said.

Ace took everything in. Xe had to admit they'd never got this intimate before, though Ace had finally revealed xyr body to Trevor. They never really touched each other, apart from embraces and hugs, and a few kisses. Ace never had much of a drive to be intimate with him anyway, even if it was something xe felt xe could cope with.

Seeing Trevor's whole body, without clothes to hide anything, was a touching act of trust and commitment. Xe recognised something in his offer in what was done at the mikvah, in cleansing oneself before Ha-Shem by exposing your very soul to Him by immersing in the waters, completely clean and naked. There was nothing now between Trevor and the Archangel, just as in the waters of the mikvah, there was nothing between the body and Ha-Shem.

Slowly, and a little awkwardly, Ace began undressing. Trevor had already seen xem naked once before, relieving some of xyr anxiety. Trevor didn't move to stop xem, and sat there, waiting, letting Ace respond in xyr own time. It was uncomfortable to be naked, particularly in front of Trevor, but xe fought away xyr fears. 

"There. Now there's nothing between us and Ha-Shem. This is what normal people do, isn't it? They ... they do this and touch each other. But I don't really know how. You're not really meant to, as a Jew, until you're married, but who'd let me marry anyway? Who'd want to marry me? So maybe this is the best I can do," Ace said.

Trevor moved as close as he dared, and reached for Ace's hand, holding it gently. "Would you let me show you, syr? Would you just let me touch you, just for a while?"

Ace sucked in a breath, tempering xyr anxiety with the knowledge that Trevor was obedient. It might be safe with Trevor, just for a little. "No sex?"

"No sex, I promise. I won't touch you anywhere you don't want me to go. I want your explicit consent, syr. I won't proceed unless you're comfortable with it and agree to it," Trevor said.

Ace had played with explicit consent before, and understood what Trevor was asking xem to do. It was oddly reassuring that Trevor wanted to hear xem say 'yes' to everything he was doing. Xe moved closer, and risked touching Trevor's arm, wondering if xe could even feel pleasure like this. Xe'd never felt sexual pleasure at all. 

"Just hold me, Trev. I just want to get used to that."

Trevor bowed his head. "Yes, syr."

It was strange, to be so close and yet naked. There was nothing between them, and skin-on-skin contact was a new sensation. Trevor held xem gently, allowing xem to move if xe felt uncomfortable. Leaning against him, Ace tentatively held him back. 

They'd embraced before, and Ace did like it when Trevor held xem, but it was a very different sensation now that they were both naked. Xe still felt vulnerable, but Trevor didn't seem to be aroused at all, which comforted xem, and his hands remained around xyr shoulders and chest.

"Is this alright, syr?" 

Ace thought a moment. Xyr wings huddled around them both, and it managed to temper the trembling in xyr body, just a little bit. The sensation of xyr wings against xyr skin was not what xe expected. They were soft and warm, barely able to be felt, but still felt entirely solid and real.

"Can you feel the wings, Trev? Can you? I've got them around you, and they feel - "

Ace paused, unsure if xe should even be expecting him to feel them. Trevor looked at xem, and he was silent for a moment. He wasn't sure what it was he was feeling, but there was definitely something there.

"Across my back, yeah? I wondered what that warmth on my back was," Trevor said. He smiled at the sensation. "I'm being touched by angel wings. That's pretty fucking special. Thank you, syr."

"I... I've never done this before. Let someone - be this close to me. It's alright, isn't it? This is what humans do. They say that Ha-Shem made the first humans androgynous, but changed His mind and split them into the two sexes, and humans have been searching for their other half ever since. Is that how it feels? To be constantly searching for your missing half?" Ace said.

"In some ways, yeah. I don't see us as missing a half, though. It's more of a union of two complete souls. Or more than two souls, if that's how you prefer to do things. It's scary, being this intimate with someone, I know. But I love you, syr, and maybe that doesn't mean anything to an Archangel, but it means something to me. I've been with so many people, and yeah, some of the sex was amazing, but I never felt for them anything like what I feel for you. Maybe you do make me feel complete. I don't know. I don't pretend to understand soul stuff. But everything's been better since we got back together, hasn't it? Maybe that's a sign," Trevor said.

Ace shifted a little, unsure what it was xe wanted. Unsure how xe felt. "I suppose you'll want sex too, won't you? You'll take it like everyone else has. I try to be in control, but I'm not always. Body's too weak. I'm just an Archangel. I don't know anything about sex. It's not for me. I don't know how, but they just push me down - Don't take it from me, please. I can't give you that like another Dom could." 

Trevor reached for xyr hand, holding it gently. His expression was deadly serious. "On my honour, on Ha-Shem's honour, I would never ask such a thing of you. I would never do anything like that. If anyone's hurt you like that before - "

Ace shrunk back from him, afraid about what Trevor was referring to. Xe didn't want to think about that. "Please don't - this body is just so broken. I don't know how to fix it. Please don't ask me to do that. I can't."

Trevor touched xyr shoulder gently. "Ace, listen to me. Believe me when I say I would never do that to you. To violate you in such a way is an abhorrent thing to consider. I would never - God, I could never take that from you. That's horrible. What kind of person does that? Who'd do that to you?"

Ace shook xyr head, refusing to talk about it. The memories, sketchy though they were, were enough. Most of the time, xe could deal with it, and the flood of memories in xyr head usually meant xe hardly ever thought about those things for very long. But being naked in front of Trevor, feeling so utterly vulnerable that xe expected Trevor to pin xem down and start fucking xem even if it made no sense, just made xem afraid. Perhaps xe'd pushed xemself too far with this. 

"Maybe one day, Trev. Maybe one day I'll be able to - but not now, I can't. Not yet. No one likes my body, Trev. That's why they - But please don't do that to me, Trev. You're the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time. I want to trust you, I want to love you, but I've got so much baggage. It's so hard, Trev. Showing this to you, it's - "

Trevor backed off, giving xem space to breath. "Don't, Ace, not if you're not ready. Are you alright? I'm sorry if I've upset you. Do you want me to go?"

Ace reached for him as he went to leave. "Oh, no, Trev, please. I'm - I'm alright. I just - you brought up some bad memories. Don't go. Maybe we should - we should finish tidying, shouldn't we? Yeah. I - doctor says I should use distractions when these things happen. So I've got other things to occupy my mind. It's hard, though. They're always there, and the voices can trigger it again if I'm not careful."

Trevor gently reassured xem. "Yeah, let's finish going through these clothes. You let me know if you need to stop, alright? Just take it easy, Archangel. Don't force yourself."

Ace nodded. Xe felt better, knowing Trevor was looking out for xem. Taking his hand, they left the bed and got dressed.


	7. Chapter 7

The rest of the day was spent trying on clothes and trying to forget about the mess that still waited for them upstairs. Ace didn't want to think about it, and decided it was something better dealt with the next day, or perhaps the day after, if xe could put it off that long. Xe was a bit scared about what xe might find there if xe took the time to go through everything, and xe wasn't sure xe was quite ready for that yet.

It was an accurate enough reflection on how xe normally dealt with the memories Trevor had dragged up. Xe had never particularly dealt well with them, and so far, mostly let the chaos of xyr mind drown them out. Maybe one day, xe'd feel brave enough to confront what had happened to xem, but now was not that time. 

It was the night xe dreaded the most, though. They'd had a nice dinner and sat up talking for hours before Trevor was ready for bed. Ace had been stalling, and hadn't been very tired anyway, but it didn't seem fair to keep Trevor up when he wanted to sleep, so Ace had reluctantly sent him off to bed. Xe'd then retreated to xyr own room, hoping xe would be alright with someone else sleeping in xyr house with xem. 

Xe closed the door softly and pressed against it, listening for any movement. Xe had to know Trevor wouldn't steal from xem while xe slept. Xe was fighting xyr own tiredness xemself, but it didn't help. It didn't even help that xe knew Trevor would obey xem if xe told him not to do something. Xe just could not settle xyr mind. The more tired xe got, the worse the paranoia got, but xe would not sleep. 

Xe could feel xyr wings again. They folded loosely against xyr back, twitching a little in irritation. Ace didn't like that, and xe knew xe was threatening to bring on another psychotic attack, but xe just couldn't sleep. Xe couldn't relax. The Archangel was getting irritated, and all xe wanted to do was take off and fly into the Heavens, away from the stress of the night. Xe went to the window, staring out at the night, but all it did was make the pain of being grounded hurt even more. Xe touched the glass; xe would never fly while xe was still trapped in a human body. 

"Please, Ha-Shem, let me feel the wind on my face. Let me once again be clasped close to your breast. I cannot bear this life any longer. I will kill myself trying to fly again. Please, Ha-Shem, Adonai, Great Lord and King of Kings, please, let me back into Heaven," xe whispered, a tear catching in xyr eyelash.

_Azriel, it is not your time._

The responding voice shocked xem; xe had only ever heard that voice a few times in xyr entire existence. It was the voice of Ha-Shem, and if xe had not had the Archangel's soul to protect xem, xe would probably have died from shock. Xe moved away from the window, horrified by the thought xe was being denied peace in Heaven. A shadow caught in xyr eye and xe turned to see a demon darting quickly across the wall. Perhaps it hadn't been Ha-Shem after all. 

"No. No, who are you? What are you?" Ace said, glancing around nervously.

There came no reply, but the shadows had returned, flitting about the corners of the room. Ace backed against the door, praying for them to leave xem alone. They were horrid creatures, with piercing red eyes, and seemed to have no solid bodies at all. They moved around so fast xe lost track of them, and xe screamed as one roared across the floor towards xem, backing against the door. Xe slid down to the ground, curled into xemself. Xyr wings folded around xem protectively, and xe tried to invoke xyr Archangel power to make them go away. Xe could feel it inside xem, xe could feel the Archangel rising to the surface, but there was something holding xem back. 

All the while, xe could hear the shadows closing in. Xe squeezed xyr eyes shut and concentrated, trying to bring Azriel to front again. Only the Archangel could deal with those shadows. With one final effort, Azriel took over, and the spells binding xem were removed. The Archangel got to xyr feet and moved to the centre of the room. Spreading xyr bright white wings radiating magnificently out behind xem, the room flooded with light, banishing the shadows from the house as xe screamed xyr prayers to the Heavens. The effort exhausted xem, and Ace fell to xyr knees. Xe barely had time to feel xyr wings close around xem when xe curled up and fell solidly asleep. 

Xyr dreams were not entirely pleasant. The shadows in xyr mind weren't gone yet, and they inflicted all their terror on xem. Xe was being held down and tortured for revealing xemself. Xe'd let the demons in. Ha-Shem was there, disappointed in His fallen Archangel. Ace clawed at the carpet and screamed as a solid body pressed down on top of xem. Solid arms held xem firmly, and another voice began to break through the wreckage as xe fought to get free. 

"Ace, it's alright. You're just dreaming. You're safe, Ace. It's Trevor. I've got you now. It's alright." 

Ace didn't quite register the voice at first, but when xe did realise who it was, xe clung to it, hoping he would bring xem back. Xe could see Trevor in xyr dreams, fighting through Gehinnom to find xem. Xe badly wanted to wake, but xe just couldn't fight off the demons. Xe needed Trevor to save xem, but didn't want him getting cursed himself. 

"No. Don't come for me, Trevor. It's too dangerous. They'll have your soul, Trev. Please, go back. Don't do this for me," Ace whispered.

"I'm not letting you go, Ace. Whatever it is you're dreaming about, it's not real. It can't hurt you. Listen to my voice, Ace. I'm here. I've got you. There's no one else here. Calm down, Ace. Just settle down. It'll be alright," Trevor said, keeping his voice soft and steady.

Ace heard him, and xe almost believed him. Xe reached out and tried to find him, to make sure he really was physically there. Xyr hand closed around another hand, and xe took hold firmly. Ace could hardly move, but xe was sure someone was there with xem. Xe had to believe it was Trevor or xe'd just delve into madness and xe'd never get out. 

"Trevor. Trevor? Trevor, please," Ace begged.

Trevor shifted them both so he was cradling Ace in his arms more comfortably. He sat there, gently stroking xyr hair, and kept on talking. Ace's doctor had taught him some ways of talking xem down from an attack like this. It wasn't full-blown psychosis, nor was it really sleep-walking either, but it was a state xe could be calmed down from without causing xem undue pain - if it didn't get any worse, of course. Trevor improvised as best he could, hoping he could save Ace from having to go to hospital again. 

It took til dawn to calm xem down. By then, Ace dozed in Trevor's arms, calm and still. Trevor had coaxed xem back onto the bed, and they lay there together, arms around each other. Trevor had fallen asleep, achingly tired after the night's events. 

Ace was woken by the sunlight beginning to stream in through xyr bedroom window. Xyr vision still blurry, xe almost thought se'd woken up in Heaven, but that thought lasted no more than a second as xe turned to find Trevor sleeping beside xem. Xe blinked and turned over, settling back into his embrace. The Modeh Ani spilled from xyr lips effortlessly, full of gratitude for what he'd done.

"So he really was there. All bloody night. He didn't bloody leave," Ace murmured, amazed at his loyalty.

Xe sat up a little and leaned over him, gazing at his sleeping face. Xyr wings folded gently against xyr back as xe watched him. There was a strong feeling of love in xyr chest, and it scared xem as much as it delighted xem. Love. Apart from Ha-Shem's love, xe had never felt love so strongly before. Could this really work? Could Trevor really be a loyal partner? 

"Yes. Yes. I have to believe it," Ace murmured before xe leant down and gave him a soft kiss, quick and chaste.

Trevor didn't wake, but Ace didn't mind. Xe settled back into his arms and closed xyr eyes, willing sleep to come and take xem away and let xem rest. Xe sent a prayer to the Heavens to save xem from the demons as xe drifted off. 

 

Ace slept til mid-afternoon. Xe hadn't done that for months, and when xe woke, it took a while to emerge into consciousness again. It took a while to realise Trevor was sitting beside xem on the bed, reading a book. Xe turned over and sat up a little, blinking against the light. 

"You bloody been there all day?" Ace murmured.

Trevor smiled as he looked over at xem. "I went down for breakfast, but mostly, yeah. How you doing?"

Ace sat up properly, shifting the pillows behind xem so xe was comfortable. "Yeah, better, I think. 'm sorry about last night. I - I didn't think I'd freak out like that, but - like I said, I'm not used to having another person sleeping in my house with me. I hope it wasn't bad. I don't really remember much though. Like, I didn't hurt you, did I?" 

"Nah, you're alright. I ran in as soon as I heard you screaming. You calmed down a lot once I started talking to you. I just held you and talked all night til you fell asleep properly." Trevor shrugged. "But you were really deep after that. I left you to it. I thought you needed it, but I hung around anyway, just in case you needed me."

"Thanks, Trev. I really mean that. I had no idea what I'd be like last night. I'm glad you're still here. Maybe we can make this work after all, yeah?" Ace said.

"I'm willing if you are. You hungry at all? You've been asleep for hours," Trevor said.

Ace thought a moment. "Yeah, I am. I could do with some coffee at the very least." 

Trevor put his book down. "I'd better go put the kettle on, then. Come on down when you're ready, yeah? I'll have something waiting for you."

Trevor risked a soft kiss, the only sign of affection they shared, and left the room. Ace stayed there, watching him go. That feeling of love was still strong in xyr chest, which surprised xem a little. The lingering warmth from the kiss faded, but xe held onto it. Xe decided he might chance kissing Trevor more often. 

Xe got up after that and spent a good ten minutes trying to decide what was worth wearing. Xe might coax Trevor out for a walk later in the evening, though, so maybe xe should wear something proper. Xe eventually settled on a pair of flared jeans and a strange frilly shirt xe'd picked up a while ago, with a jacket and a thick coat to keep the cold out. Xe finished it off with some dark red boots onto which xe'd sewn some bells and enchantments to ward away evil spirits. 

The bells jingled as xe went downstairs to the kitchen. Xe found a cup of coffee and xyr medication waiting for xem, and Trevor cooking up a fried breakfast for them. The man was extraordinarily domestic, for which Ace was eternally grateful. Trevor turned to xem as he heard the bells ringing.

"Got those on again, hey? It's all there for you. Breakfast won't be long," Trevor said with a smile.

"You really are a genius. I don't know what I'd do without you," Ace said. Xe didn't wait for a reply as xe washed xyr medication down with a swig of coffee. "We'll go for a walk later, yeah? I want to go out tonight."

"Yeah, sure, we can do that. Oh, I went out earlier to get some more groceries. We were running a bit low on a few things. I should've mentioned it before, but you were fast asleep. I didn't think you'd miss me. It's not all kosher, but I did the best I could," Trevor said.

Ace was pleasantly surprised. "Oh, thanks. I was going to do that, but thanks for remembering, even if I am bad at keeping kosher. I don't owe you anything, do I?"

Trevor shrugged it off. "It was only a coupla quid. It's no trouble."

"You sure? I wouldn't want to impose - " 

Trevor dismissed xyr concerns. "It's no trouble, Ace. I promise. Besides, if I'm going to move in here with you, it's only fair I contribute to the household." 

Ace settled a little. "Oh, yeah, I suppose you could, yeah. I hadn't thought of that. I guess it'll take a while to get used to thinking like that, with you being here and all. Normally I just do everything meself, and you've seen how well that's worked for me, haven't you?"

Trevor patted xyr shoulder gently. "Yeah, I know. Don't worry about it. Like I keep telling you, if I didn't want to be here, I'd have gone already. I'm still here, Ace. I love you. This is what I want to do. I know life's been hard for you, but you don't have to do this alone. You, me, and Charlie, we'll sort you out. Don't you worry about that."

Ace smiled at him. That feeling of Love beating in xyr chest was convincing xem it was possible. "It's been so hard to accept that there are things I just need to let other people do for me. I have no control, but I'm getting better. I think it's why I like Domming, too. I can be in control there in a way I can't be in control here. In the real world, I'm sick and in need of care. I need people to do things for me. But in the clubs, when I've got a sub at my feet, I'm in control. I can decide what to do on my own. That freedom is really important to me, Trev. That's why I love it. That's why I need it. Maybe we should go back to that club again, so I can maybe play a little," Ace said.

Trevor brought the pan over to the bench and dished out their breakfast. "Yeah, let me know when and I'll book a room for us. They're open during the day, too, so if you don't want to go at night when it's more crowded, we could go earlier on in the afternoon, if that would be more comfortable for you. Grab the coffee as you go, will you?"

Ace picked up the two mugs of coffee and followed Trevor over to the table to eat. Ace sat down beside him. "It's a good thing this isn't kosher, or I'd be doing the whole meal blessing thing. I don't have the energy for all that right now."

"I hope that's not a problem, that it's not kosher. It's not something I can really fix any time soon," Trevor said.

"No, it's not your fault. You're important to me, Ha-Shem said so, so maybe it's not such a bad thing. But I do feel guilty about it. Yer meant to wash your hands before meals, like with bread, and recite these blessings, then there's this long Psalm afterwards. I hope Ha-Shem doesn't mind me skipping it today," Ace said.

"Why don't you just say a blessing over it anyway? Maybe it's not kosher, but it's still good food. We should thank Ha-Shem for it anyway. That's what I think," Trevor said.

Ace wasn't entirely convinced, but xe did understand his logic. "Alright, but I'm making it up. I don't want to get in trouble for reciting blessings over non-kosher food."

Ace paused a moment as xe thought of the right words to say. Making up prayers was something xe was used to, as xe didn't always remember the right prayers, but it still felt vaguely wrong to do so. Still, the whole point of the food blessings was to be grateful for what Ha-Shem has provided, and if Ha-Shem had provided xem with Trevor, well, a blessing was the least xe could offer in return.

Ace picked up xyr plate of food and offered it to Heaven. "To Ha-Shem in His Heaven, God of Gods, and Lord of All Creation, I thank you for what you've provided for us, and pray you will continue to bless us tomorrow. May you always continue to bless us and bring us great abundance. Amein."

"Amein," Trevor murmured in reply. 

Ace set xyr plate down. "Thanks, Trev. I - you don't have to pray with me, you know."

"It's alright, I want to. I thought it'd be easier for you to maybe stick with your routines if I was doing them too, so I just thought I'd go along with them. You should say them in Hebrew more often. I like listening to you," Trevor said.

"Oh, right. I didn't think of that. Thanks. I appreciate it. I wanted you to be able to understand me, that's why I keep praying in English. But I'll try to remember to do them in Hebrew too. I'll have to teach you those. You'd learn them, wouldn't you? You'd learn all the blessings that are required for food?" Ace said.

Trevor reached for xyr hand. "Anything you want. If it's something I need to know, teach me. I'll listen. I'll keep whatever routines you need to help you get better. And you'll get there. Maybe not right now, but you'll get there eventually. You've got to believe you can function on your own, otherwise you'll just give up and nothing will change. I know you don't like living like this, that you want to get better. You can do it, Ace. I'll make sure of that, one way or another. Now, dig in. That'll fill you up, that will." 

It was good food, Ace decided as xe took a bite. Xe was getting better at eating whole meals more than once a day, even if this one wasn't entirely at the right time. But xe had a feeling that once xe got used to Trevor sleeping in xyr house with xem, xe'd be alright. They'd get used to each other and their routines, or what counted for routines for Ace. Besides, anyone who was that good at cooking was worth keeping around.

"Could we really go play in the club during the day? I didn't know about that," Ace said.

"Yeah, sure. Like I said, it's open all the time. Just let me know and I'll get us a room. There are one or two that are always free for anyone to use, but the rest need a booking. Why don't we go down there now, just for a while? We don't have to stay long, but it's early, there won't be any decent crowds til after eight. It might be good for you to spend some time there and get to know everyone. I promise, they're all wonderful people. How does that sound? We don't have to play, we can just hang about for a while," Trevor said.

"Yeah, I think I'd like that," Ace said. 

 

They arrived at the club in Warwick a little after half past four. There weren't many people around, but they were still welcomed in with open arms, and Ace remembered why xe had been so taken with the place. Xe did feel at home there, even though xe felt like a stranger. Charlie wasn't there to greet them, but Ace didn't mind. Xe had Trevor with him anyway. They went over to the bar. Ace admired Trevor's restraint in not ordering a pint.

As Ace looked back over the club, a familiar figure came into view. Xe caught sight of Lucifer walking towards xem. Xe couldn't believe Charlie had been right. Lucifer did come to this club after all. 

"It's about bloody time you turned up here, Azriel. I've been trying to get you here for two years now," Lucifer said.

"I - I didn't know, I'm sorry. I didn't know about this place til Trevor mentioned it," Ace said.

"Who's this? I don't think we've met before," Trevor said.

Lucifer turned to him. They bowed with a flourish. "I'm Lucifer, dear boy. Hasn't xe told you about me yet? I was the one who guided you to this club in the first place in the hopes you'd get Azriel down here. Took you long enough."

Trevor narrowed his eyes. "You're another Archangel, aren't you?"

Lucifer beamed and patted Trevor's cheeks lightly. "Very good, sir! You're smarter than you look."

Trevor took in Lucifer's appearance. They looked as human as he did, with long dark hair and a thin moustache. They also looked younger than he expected, dressed in jeans and a shirt with Elvis on the front. He wasn't entirely convinced. "You're Lucifer? Really?"

Lucifer gave him an irritated look. "What? Do I have to do the whole red skin and devil's horns before you'll bloody recognise me? I work for Ha-Shem. He alone commands my obedience. You bloody Christians turned me into some sort of personification of evil. I'm nothing of the sort. I make sure you're fit for Heaven. This is a very important job. Someone has to test your soul."

Trevor wasn't sure he believed them. "Yeah, but you would say that. I'm not sure I trust you."

"I ain't asking you to trust me, am I? And before you get cocky, I ain't revealing my true form for you. That really will kill you, and I'm really not in the mood for killing a whole club full of people I actually quite like, so you'll just have to trust me, won't you?" Lucifer said.

Ace took Lucifer's arm and looked up at them as xe spoke. Apparently, xe hadn't heard their exchange. "Have you been messing with his soul? Before we got together? How much have you been guiding all this? I thought I had free will."

"Oh, you do, you can choose not to come here and stay in that bloody house of yours for all eternity. You'll live, but you'll only be surviving. But if you come down here, you'll flourish. You might only need one lifetime to learn what Ha-Shem wants you to learn. Don't be fooled into thinking that when this body dies, you'll go straight up to Heaven. I have to test you like I test every human soul. If you're not ready, you'll reincarnate, just like everyone else, and live another life and another, until Ha-Shem thinks you're fit for Heaven. So, yes, Azriel, you have as much free will as any human being. I'm just trying to show you what'll help you more than hinder you. It's up to you whether you follow my advice or not. But I wouldn't dismiss me so easily. I'm doing this on Ha-Shem's orders. If He wants you down here, if He thinks these people will help you, who are you to judge Him incorrect? He knows you better than you know yourself," Lucifer said.

Ace looked a little chastened. Xe did sometimes forget that Lucifer wasn't like the way most of the society around xem portrayed them as being. "Then I suppose I'd better get used to this place. Knowing you, you'd just hound me til I gave in. I'd rather come down here myself, thank you very much."

Lucifer smiled and brought xem into a hug. "Knew you'd see it my way, Azriel, I - " They stopped as they noticed someone approaching them. "I'd better go, you've got company, Azriel."

They let Ace go and slipped away, their job done for the moment. Ace turned to see who was approaching and saw Bev walking towards them, winding what looked like a leash around his hand. Xe grinned. "Fuck, it's that bloody Bullfrog."

"Well, I'll be damned. Ace bloody Kefford. I'd heard you'd been by. I didn't half believe Charlie though. What kept you? What are you doing here anyway? It's great to see you again." 

"I missed you, you bastard. It's so good to see you too," Ace said.

As Bev brought xem into a bear hug, Ace pretended to struggle against xem, and xe couldn't help laughing at seeing him there. Xe had really liked Bev and seeing xem again was a wonderful feeling.

Bev smiled as he took a moment to take in Ace's appearance. "Mate, I'm amazed you're still alive. This is the last bloody place I expected to run into you, that's for sure." 

"Blame Trev. He's the one who brought me here. I never thought I'd ever see you here though. How the fuck do you fit into a place like this?" Ace said.

"Oh, I have my place, and wouldn't you love to know all about that, hey?" Bev growled in xyr ear.

Ace squirmed, delighted to see him, and Bev let xem go. Xe felt glad that the first person he'd bumped into here, after Lucifer, was an old friend. That made xem feel much better. Much safer. Xe was feeling much better about being in the club surrounded by strangers. With Bev and Trevor with him, and with Lucifer watching over xem, xe would be alright, xe was sure of that. 

"So are you living down here now? I heard from Charlie that you'd been round before, but I wasn't sure I'd see you again. How are you doing, anyway? You any better since the last time I saw you?" Bev said.

Ace shrugged. "I've been worse, that's for sure. Did you hear? I've got Trev with me now. Bloody marvellous, that's been. I think I might just be able to beat this, y'know? Cos I've been so long on me own an' getting nowhere, but it's working. With Trev, it's working. Six months ago, you wouldn't have found me this brave. So yeah, we're getting better."

"That's so good to hear. I'm glad you're not on your own anymore. I kept worrying about you, but I had no idea how to get in touch, or I'd have volunteered myself," Bev said. "Hey, d'you wanna hang around for a while? I'm about to do a scene and all it's missing is some voyeurs to watch. I like it rough, though, so if you're not good with rough play, you might want to pass."

Ace was interested. "Oh, yeah? What kind of rough play?"

"Oh, mostly whipping, but no blood, though. Just lots of paddles, canes, and whips, that sort of thing. A proper pleasurable whipping, not one where I'm beaten to a pulp and left for dead. Don't feel pressured to say yes, though. Not everyone likes watching whippings, and I wouldn't want to upset you. I'm not sure what kind of kink you like," Bev said.

"Oh, don't worry, I like whipping. It's how we met, actually, back at the old club. He'd sub for me and I'd spend the evening whipping him. I could take him so deep and bring him back out again he'd feel like he'd died and gone to Heaven. That's what I'm really good at, that kind of altered states of consciousness thing. Shall we join 'em, Trev? I'd like to see it, even if we don't play ourselves," Ace said.

"Yes, syr, I'd like that," Trevor replied. 

Bev smiled. "I did wonder what you two were up to all these years. Come on, room's back here."

 

Bev led them to the last of the bondage rooms, where Rick and Charlie were waiting for them. Both smiled as they saw Ace and Trevor trailing in behind them. Ace was pleased to be with friends. That would make it less anxious to watch. Xe wasn't sure xe was up to meeting strangers in such an intimate situation just yet.

"Hey, Ace, nice to see you back again. Wanna join in? Bev's always up for more than one Dom," Charlie said as he went over to greet xem. 

Ace considered the request. "Well, I was just gonna watch, cos I wasn't sure who else would be here, but maybe I might play a little. How's about him and Trev get it from all of us? I kinda feel like playing now. Bev ain't tasted my whip yet."

And xe did. Xe could feel Domspace approaching, coming to envelope xyr mind. Xyr sense of control grew, and xe began to feel like xe could do whatever xe wanted to. The Archangel was more present now, and the urge to take them all into subspace to show them xyr real power was tempting. Xyr wings beat eagerly against xyr back, itching to play. Xe could focus on whipping Trevor, like xe'd done before. Xe really wanted to do that again. It had been far too long since xe'd felt like playing.

Charlie turned to Bev. "That alright with you? Only I know how much you love getting all the attention."

Bev didn't seem fazed. "Sure, you know me. I'm all for more Doms. I'm still waiting to beat my record of seven at once, you know." 

"I'm working on it, alright? It's negotiating with all the Doms that's taking time. But don't worry, it'll happen. Right out there in the main room, on stage if you prefer, with as many as I can find all working you at the same time. I'll talk to you about it later, Ace, in case you're interested," Charlie said.

"Oh, right, sure. I'll think about it, yeah," Ace said. Xe wasn't sure xe was quite ready to Dom up on stage, even with others, but xe would at least think about it. Xe had a feeling xe would do that one day, though, when xe felt more comfortable there. Xe had a whole club full of subs who hadn't been with xem before. That was not something to pass up lightly. 

Charlie rubbed his hands together gleefully. "Right. So, basic scenario. Do you guys even want a proper set-up? Or should we forget the role-playing for the moment?" 

Bev shrugged. "As long as I get whipped, I don't care if I'm a naughty schoolboy, or just a whipping boy. Go for your life."

"Don't ask me. I'm flexible. Whatever you want. You're the Doms," Trevor said.

"We haven't got any costumes here, anyway. Maybe save the role-play for when we've got a decent chance of preparing. It's not fair to throw them two in with no warning. Let's just play and see what happens, yeah?" Rick suggested.

"Sounds good to me. Everyone agrees with that? A general play session?" Charlie asked.

There were nods and murmurs of agreement from everyone involved. Ace thought that was best. Xe did need time to prepare for role-play, so a general play scene would be a welcome event. Xe didn't need the extra stress of trying to stay in character, particularly when xe was with people xe'd admittedly never played scenes with before. It was possibly the weirdest part of this scenario, that the people xe was playing with were all old friends xe'd never thought were queer or kinky in any way. 

"Right then, if we're all agreed, I think we'd better get these subs all racked up, don't you?" Charlie said, a wicked glint in his eyes. 

Bev and Trevor knelt at their feet then as the scene began. Ace was given a collar for Trevor, and xe took xyr time in buckling it on. Ace was astonished at how beautiful Trevor looked as he knelt at Ace's feet with nothing more than a collar around his neck. That feeling of Love was back again, and xe smiled. Xe reached down and cupped Trevor's cheek. Trevor smiled back. 

"I didn't realise how - tender this could be," Ace murmured.

Charlie approached xem and wrapped an arm around xyr shoulder. "It can be a bond of love, Ace, it really can. They're not as incompatible as you might think." 

"I look down into his eyes and I see - I see love. I've never experienced this before, Charlie. It's alright, isn't it? It's not scary?" Ace said.

"It can be terrifying. When you live this sort of relationship, he'll give up everything to you. Maybe you're not ready for that kind of commitment yet, but he's bonded pretty tightly to you whether you like it or not. That's pretty special, Ace. I'd hang onto that as long as I can," Charlie said. 

"I felt love before. When he was - I'd had nightmares, and he was there the whole bloody night. He ain't never left me, Charlie. I thought - I was so scared. I thought he'd run, like everyone else runs. But he's still here." Ace knelt down before Trevor and took his hands. "He's still bloody here."

Trevor bowed his head to xem. "Always and forever, syr. You won't be alone anymore, not with us here, right, lads?" 

Charlie came and knelt beside them both. "You'll always be welcome here, Ace. I don't care what kind of queer you are. I don't care if you're a bit crazy. I don't even care what sort of Archangel you are. I don't care about any of that shit. You're an old mate, and you'll always be safe here. I don't know how much Trevor has told you about this place, but we're more than just a club here. If there's anything you need, let me know and I'll arrange it for you. If you need support, you'll find it here. We don't judge anyone here. We've all got our own stories. Some are like you. Some had it far worse than you. We've all got scars of one form or another, but we've survived, and that's what makes us great. We're still alive, Ace. We're all still fucking alive, and it's the greatest feeling in the world. As long as we're still alive, as long as we keep on living, we're winning. They want us dead out there, but defy the fuckers and live, Ace. Fucking live to show 'em what you're made of."

Ace was surprised to find xemself in the right frame of mind to take all that on board. What he'd said was true. Xe was still alive, in spite of all the shit the world had thrown at xem. Even Trevor had once called xem a survivor. Xe was stronger than xe often felt xe was. Xe was an Archangel, a human-bodied Archangel, and xe was a survivor. Xe reached for Charlie's hand and smiled as Bev and Rick joined them. It was only now that xe saw the scars on Bev's chest. Scars xe recognised. Xe pulled xyr shirt off over xyr head to reveal xyr own scars. Queer was easier to bond over than the Archangel. 

"Oh, I got 'em too, Bev. Just like you," Ace breathed, unable to believe what xe was seeing. Xe reached for Bev's chest and ran xyr fingers along the faint scars running around his breasts. "I didn't - I had no idea. I thought I was the only one."

Bev smiled. "You never gave me a chance to tell you. I wish I hadn't waited all this time, though. You're not alone, Ace. No matter what your doctor says, it's real. This is who you are. If he can't accept that, get a new doctor." 

"I never thought I'd ever meet someone else like me. I thought I was a freak, that he was right about it all being in me 'ead, but - I knew it wasn't me being crazy. Y'don't know how hard it is, being mad and being queer like this. He never understood, kept trying to tell me it was just a delusion, but I knew it wasn't. I just knew it. But I never knew anyone else like me so I was never sure what to think about it," Ace said.

"I'll introduce you to Bill and Jack later on, if you'd like. They're like us too. I felt so alone before I met them. I think Bill's spent some time in hospital like you, too. You might find him good to talk to. We're all damaged here, Ace. All of us have scars, though not all are visible. We're here because nowhere else will have us. We're the outcasts from the outcasts. Trust me, you'll fit in here just fine," Bev said.

Ace had no idea how to feel about that. Xe was overwhelmed, but Domspace was keeping xyr emotions in check so xe could still function. "I can still Dom, right? I can still do this? Because this is how I manage. Domspace keeps me sane. It keeps the Archangel at bay. That's what I need more than anything. People I trust and Domspace. I can find that here, can't I?" 

Bev rested a hand on xyr shoulder. "It'd be an honour to sub for you, sir. If Domspace is what you need, you can find it here. Charlie's really good at organising the rooms here and those who like to play. If you don't want to play with strangers, you don't have to. There's nothing at this club you have to do. Just stay and be part of the family. Please tell me you'll stay, sir. I don't think you'll find a better place than this in the country. No one will force you out here, I promise."

"Can we stay, syr? Please? We don't have to rush, we can just take it slowly, but I know this place'll be good for you. Will you trust me, syr?" Trevor said.

Ace thought about it. Xe thought about how stressful it would be getting used to a new club with new people all over again, but xe really did feel like this time it would be different. Xe was willing to trust Lucifer knew what they were doing in bringing xem here. Xe had xyr good friends here. Xe had Bev, and Charlie, and Rick, and Roy. Xe had people xe could trust. And xe had Trevor. And that, perhaps more than anything else, made the decision for xem. Trevor had seen xem at xyr worst, and he was still there. Those were meant to be the sort of friends you were supposed to keep, right? The ones who were there with you during the bad times as well as the good. 

Ace reached for Trevor's hand. "Yeah, I trust you. I need to feel safe again, and if this is it, then I'll stay. I never thought I'd see any of you again. I thought you'd all abandoned me. But you've all come back. I can't really tell you how much that means to me."

Charlie brought xem into a gentle hug. "You won't lose us, not this time."

"Better not. I've had too many people leave me. I don't know if I'd cope if you lot buggered off again," Ace said, a small smile crossing xyr lips. "Promise me you'll stay. Don't leave me all alone. I'm not good on me own. I'm not - I'm not normal. People run when they find out. Cos I'm the Archangel of Death, and everyone's afraid of me."

Bev shrugged, unconcerned. "It's not a problem. We've had Lucifer here for years. We know about Archangels. I think there's still a small chapel somewhere out the back, too, isn't there, Charlie?"

"Yeah, it's round the back. I'll show you later, Ace. It's more Jewish than anything, if only because those are the Archangels who've turned up here. I'm sure you'll like it," Charlie said.

"Now, see, now I know this is too good to be true. Oh, but - can we not do any schoolboy scenes? While I remember? I only got bad memories about that. I can't do those. But anything else is fair game," Ace said.

"Whatever you like, Ace. We don't have to do those scenes together if they're going to trigger you. We'll just play around tonight and see what happens, yeah? Like I said, there's nothing you have to do. If something's making you uncomfortable, you let me know and we'll stop. This is meant to be fun, not distressing, yeah?" Charlie said.

Ace nodded, reassured for the moment that it would be alright. Xyr desire to play, with so many of xyr old friends, was stronger than xyr fears. Feeling ready to continue, Charlie got everyone organised, and Ace brought a whip down across Trevor's back for the first time in months. Xe felt xyr spirit soar with happiness. Yes, this was definitely the place xe was meant to be, xe was sure of it now.


	8. Chapter 8

Ace woke up in a strange house, Trevor lying beside xem. Instead of panicking, xe decided to stay where xe was. Staring up at the ceiling, xe recited the Modeh Ani under xyr breath as it occurred to xem that xe had actually slept quite well. Xe didn't feel tired at all, and as xe lay there, memories came to mind of the night before. Xe remembered the club Trevor had taken xem to, and there were figments of what xe'd done there coming into xyr consciousness. 

Xe smiled at the memory of whipping Trevor for the first time in many months. Domspace had been kind to xyr, and xe'd been able to handle a scene without any trouble at all. Xe'd had Trevor strapped to a St Andrew's Cross, xyr favourite place to whip him. Xe took xyr time with the whipping, wanting to experiment with all the different kinds of whips, canes, floggers, and paddles the room had, just to see what they all did. It had felt really good to do that, to feel like xe deserved to be called Trevor's Dom. It had left xyr feeling strong and capable, once they left the club some time after eleven.

"So does that mean we went..." Ace murmured, as xe tried to remember what xe'd done after leaving the club. "Oh. Yes. We went to Charlie's house. That's where we are." 

Xe remembered his offer as they left the club. They'd played well into the evening, and had left later than xe'd planned. Instead of driving back to Birmingham, Charlie had insisted they come back to his place. Trevor'd had a few pints, and they were still somewhat high from the dungeon session they'd had, in spite of the aftercare session they'd had in the room out the back. Charlie wouldn't let Trevor drive, given the state he was in. Ace smiled at that memory. Charlie was always looking out for them. It felt good to know xe was at Charlie's house. If xe was going to wake up in any strange house, it was better that it was Charlie's.

As xe sat up, xe saw Lucifer leaning against the wall, watching them. "Hey. What are you doing here?"

Lucifer smiled. They swung a set of keys around a finger as they stepped forward. "Come on, Azriel. I got something to show you."

"Can't it wait? I just woke up," Ace said, fighting back a yawn. "Trev's still asleep anyway. I ain't going anywhere without him."

Lucifer approached xem and helped xem out of bed. "He'll keep. We're only going for a bit of a drive, that's all. Besides, you gotta learn to survive the world on your own. Gotta be brave, Azriel."

Ace didn't like the sound of that, and felt panic rising in xyr chest. "But - you said he wouldn't leave. He won't leave me, will he?"

Lucifer grasped xyr shoulders. "That's not what I said. He wouldn't be so significant to you if he was only going to be in your life for five minutes. He's in it for the long haul. Surely you've worked that out by now. No, what I'm talking about is being able to go out on your own and not be so afraid of everything. I know it's hard, I know they look at you strangely, but trust me. I've lived on Earth for thousands of years. Let me teach you how to cope."

Ace looked up at them. Xe could feel xyr wings stiffening, threatening to curl around xem in fear, but there was something comforting about Lucifer's eyes. "How do you do it? How do you live in this shell? I have free will, Lucifer. I've never had free will before. What do I do with it? I've got a human soul, too, right? Oh, I've probably cursed it myself. I tried to kill myself, Lucifer, I did, and I've probably cursed my soul. I'm not good at keeping mitzvot. I'll never get back to Heaven."

Lucifer kissed xem softly. "Trust me, Azriel. Ha-Shem has told me to do this, to help guide you. You can't learn what you need to learn while you're like this. Now, get dressed, and meet me downstairs. Trevor will be fine. We're just going to look at a house, that's all."

"A house? Why would we go look at a house?" Ace asked, confused.

"This is where you belong. Moving away from home is part of this. I know it's frightening for you, but I'm trying to help. I've got a place you can have," Lucifer said.

Ace wan't sure xe liked that. "But why can't I stay here? Why do I have to live on my own?" 

"Don't you want to be able to live independently? You can do that. I know you've got the strength inside you to do that. Charlie's a good support for you, and he's important too, just like Trevor is, but they're not here to care for you as if you were a child. They will lift you up into the Heavens, but you have to be strong enough to cope with that. I wouldn't be testing you with this if I didn't think you were ready. That's not how I work, you know that. It's hard, it will challenge you, but trust me, you can handle it," Lucifer said.

After a moment, Ace nodded in agreement. "Yer right, I know you are. I need to do this, but it's terrifying, Lucifer. Are you sure I'm ready?" 

Lucifer brought xem close, bringing an arm around xyr shoulder. "You're ready, even if you don't realise it. Don't fret, it's just a lovely little cottage in a quiet village. It's where I live. I know it's not here where Charlie lives, but it's where you need to be. Just trust me, alright? Now get dressed and meet me downstairs. I'll have some breakfast waiting for you."

Ace decided xe didn't have much choice in the matter. Xe would go with Lucifer to see this house, though the fact it wasn't just a random house but one of theirs made xem feel safer. At least xe wouldn't be on xyr own. Lucifer gave xem one last kiss before leaving xem alone. 

As xe hadn't planned to stay over at Charlie's that night, there wasn't much to do to get dressed. Xe went to the bathroom next door to wash xyr face and hands. Xe remembered most of the correct blessings, and took a moment to calm xyrself and wake up enough to cope with going into the world without Trevor. 

Xe paused a moment as xe took in xyr reflection, watching with curiosity the strange human being who was staring back at xem. Xe didn't often look at xemself in mirrors; xyr hallucinations were very good at showing xyr face decomposing, or being eaten alive by bees. Once, all xe saw was an empty grinning skull. But this time, xe saw nothing amiss. Xyr face was fine, and xe could see xyr wings were behind xem, sitting gently against xyr back. Xe'd never seen xyr wings in a mirror before. Xe reached out to touch the mirror, amazed to see xyr wings there. Xe smiled. 

"You can do this, Azriel. No more madness, no more fear. 'm not alone anymore. Trevor Loves me," Ace murmured, and paused, as xe felt that Love burning in xyr chest again. "And I Love Trevor. I love him. It's not just in me 'ead anymore. I love him."

Grinning happily, xe fixed xyr hair and returned to the bedroom. Xe leant over Trevor, who was still sleeping, and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. Gently, xe shook him awake. Trevor took a deep breath as he woke, and he offered a lazy smile as he saw Ace leaning over him. 

"Morning, syr. Sleep well?" 

Ace hesitated a moment before leaning down to kiss him, cupping his cheek softly. Xe let it go on, drinking in the warmth of the kiss. The longer it went on, the more comfortable Ace felt about it, and soon, xe lay down beside him as Trevor brought xem into his arms. It felt like the first proper kiss they'd ever shared, and even if they did nothing else but kiss, it was more than enough. 

"I love you, Trev. I really feel it this time. Is it meant to make me feel invincible? Because I feel like I could do anything at all," Ace murmured as they lay together.

Trevor glanced over at xem. "Oh, yeah. It's the most amazing feeling in the world."

Ace held a hand over xyr heart. "I feel it. Deep in there. It burns and aches, but all I want to do is join with you, to be so close to you we're never really apart, even if we're not physically together. I've only ever felt that kind of love with Ha-Shem, when I was back in Heaven, and we were so joined it physically hurt to be apart. This feels like that. I think Lucifer's right. I think I need to move down here. This is where the love is. This is where we can soar."

Trevor offered another soft kiss and smiled at xem. "Welcome to the human race, Azriel. This is what it's like. This is what makes life worth living."

"I want to live it with you. Til the end of days, we'll get through all this together. I can do this when I've got you with me," Ace said.

Trevor took xyr hand and kissed it. "It would be my honour, Archangel. So what did you want to do today anyway? Hang about here some more?"

"Oh, Lucifer's taking me out in a bit. They've got a house to show me, one they want me to move to. Says I have to go without you though. I have to get used to that, to being able to face the world on my own. You understand, don't you?" Ace said.

Trevor wasn't concerned. "It doesn't matter. I'll be there with you, in your heart. That's what love is, Azriel. You can tell me all about this house when you get back. I'll wait here for you."

Ace gave him one last kiss. "Thanks, Trev. I love you. I can finally say that and mean it. I never thought that would happen to me. I'll see you later. Say thanks to Charlie for me, will you?"

"Will do."

Ace climbed off the bed, straightened xyr clothes, pulled xyr shoes and jacket on, and headed downstairs. 

 

Ace wasn't entirely sure where xe was going as xe headed downstairs. Xe didn't particularly remember much about the house apart from coming home and heading upstairs to bed. The smell of breakfast drew xem through the front room and down to the back of the house, where xe found Lucifer wearing a frilly apron as xe cooked them some breakfast. Lucifer turned as they saw Ace approach and ushered them in. 

"Heard you coming a mile off in those boots. Go on, take a seat. I'm almost done," Lucifer said.

Ace took a seat at the table, where xe found not only some coffee, but what looked suspiciously like xyr medication lying there beside the mugs. 

"How'd me pills get here? I didn't bring them with me," Ace said.

"That's the power of Lucifer for you. I thought you might appreciate them. Make you feel better about getting out of here on your own," Lucifer said, glancing back at xem. "Pour yourself a mug and relax. I've got everything organised."

"Thanks. I hadn't even thought about that yet," Ace said, appreciating the effort. Xe poured some of the steaming coffee into a mug and took xyr medication. Xe did feel better knowing xe'd taken them. "So where's this house anyway? Where are we now?"

"We're in Sherbourne at the moment, just outside Warwick. That's where Charlie lives. My place is over in Inkberrow, about half an hour from here. I probably wouldn't suggest being so far away, but it's the quietest place I can think of where I know you'll be alright. It's too noisy here for you. Too close to the roads," Lucifer said.

Ace spent a moment listening for the traffic noise, and wasn't convinced it was too loud, but if Lucifer said xyr place wasn't here, then so be it. "If you say so. But why would we move away from Warwick? Isn't that where my community's meant to be? Isn't that half the reason I'm meant to be moving down here?"

"Oh, yeah, of course it is. But trust me, when you see the cottage, you'll understand why I think you should have it. It's got everything you need. It's all set up properly too, with mezuzah and everything, and everything's kosher. I immersed all the utensils myself. You need to get back into those habits, Azriel. Let them give structure to your life again," Lucifer said.

"I'm doing my best. I'm doing some of the prayers, but I'm not there yet. I ain't been well enough," Ace said.

"Are you teaching Trevor what to do? I think you'll find it's easier to stick to them if he's doing them as well," Lucifer said.

"No, I didn't want to force him to convert if he didn't want to. All I did was teach him the funeral prayers. He's not a Jew, so even though I like him cooking for me, it's not kosher, and I feel bad about that. But he did say something like that yesterday too, that it might help me if he did all the prayers too. Maybe I should teach him how to be a proper Jew after all. Maybe that would help," Ace said.

"That boy's got a good head on him. I never suggested you convert him, just that he participates in the mitzvot too. He'd be unlikely to be accepted for conversion for many years anyway, assuming it's something he even wants at all, so it's not like it's a pressing issue. Just let him share the mitzvot, show him how to keep kosher, and recite the prayers three times a day. For now, that's enough. You've got a human soul now, Azriel. Care for it so that Ha-Shem can act through you, so you will be fit for Heaven," Lucifer said.

"I'll try, Lucifer. I'll do my best. I feel like I can do this now, you know. For the first time, I feel like I can do this. I didn't really believe you before when you said Trevor's love would change my life, but I know what you mean now. I think I'm beginning to get it. I Love him, Lucifer. I really love him. I feel amazing," Ace said, smiling at them. 

Lucifer smiled back and took xyr hands. "I knew you'd get there eventually. This is going to change your life. Now eat up, I want to get going soon."

 

The drive was longer than Ace expected, though it didn't feel like it was all that far away. It was a fairly direct route, only veering off the A46 once they got to the village. The cottage itself was situated on a bend along Appletree Lane, and as they pulled up into the drive, Ace gasped at the beautiful cottage xe was looking at. It was a small thatched cottage that looked like it had come right out of a fairytale. 

"What do you think? Like it?" Lucifer said as they got out of the car. 

Ace looked at them, incredulous. "You own this place? Really?"

"I own this property and the one across the road at The Grange. I own a lot more properties, though, all over the country. I've been collecting them for centuries. One of the benefits of being gifted information about who I'm going to reincarnate into, so I can just leave everything I own to myself. Very useful gift. Thanks, Ha-Shem," Lucifer said. "Come on, I'll show you around."

On the outside, the cottage didn't look like a Jewish house. It wasn't until Ace saw the mezuzah on the doorframe that xe knew. Xe made sure to touch it and whisper xyr thanks as xe entered behind Lucifer, repeating the action for the mezuzah attached to the doorway as they went into the front room. 

"This, my dear Archangel, is my loveliest cottage. What do you think?" Lucifer said as they showed off the room.

"It's lovely, Lucifer. Would you really let me live here? I'd only mess it up. You've seen me house, haven't you? I'm not good at tidy. I'd only ruin a place like this," Ace said.

Lucifer looked back at xem. "You get this place on condition of keeping it kosher. I know you can do that, but you've got to commit to that. I think you can do it if you let yourself try. You should teach Trevor as you go. Introduce him to everything he needs to know about keeping kosher and how to pray and keep mitzvah. As you teach him, you'll remember why you do it, and with him to keep it with you, you'll be alright. I know you'll be fine, Ace, I've seen it. Trust yourself for once, will you?"

"You think I can really do it? Why?" Ace said.

"Because you're a Jew, that's why. Like I said, I wouldn't challenge you with this if I didn't think you could do it. You're ready, Ace, you just need to believe it too. You've got love now, remember? You can do bloody anything if you put your mind to it. Isn't that what you said before we left?" Lucifer said.

That reminder made xyr chest swell with love. "Yeah, I did, didn't I? Well, I'd best give it a go, hadn't I? I suppose I'll never know if I don't try, hey? Only - give me time, yeah? I need to get used to having Trevor living with me before I shift down here. I might be ready, but give me time. You're asking me to uproot my whole life and shift to a new village away from everyone I care about. This isn't easy for me, and I know you believe I can do it, and I believe you, but let me make the decision in me own time, yeah? Let me take control of my life. I almost went psychotic that first night Trevor slept in me own house, yeah? I need to get used to that first before I move down here. That - that'll take time, alright?"

Lucifer brought xem close. "I never said you had to move down here today, but it's not a matter of if, Azriel, it's a matter of when. You talk to your doctor about this too, and see if you can't be transferred to another doctor down here. Ask him to help support this move. I know you hate him because he doesn't half believe you, but trust me. He's a good ally, even if he doesn't understand you. He'll help if you ask for it. I'm sure he'd think this was a good step for you to take."

"He's been suggesting I stop living alone for ages, actually. I can actually tell him that now, that I've got Trevor with me, for the moment. I - he hasn't properly moved in yet. I wanted him to live with me for a week or so, just so I can get used to him being there. Sleeping in my house with me. If I'm alright with that, if I can get used to that, I'll ask him about the move. Baby steps, Lucifer. I'm not doing it all at once, alright?" Ace said.

"Hey, my job was just to convince you it's best for you to do this. It's up to you to actually do it in your own time. I honestly don't care if it takes you another six months. Just as long as you're here with Trev, living down here, I'll be happy," Lucifer said.

"So do you live here too? Where do you live, anyway?" Ace asked.

"I live across the road in The Grange. I thought you might appreciate your own space, but I'm still close enough that you can find me if you need me. You won't be on your own here," Lucifer said.

"And I'll still be close to Charlie if I need him, too, won't I?" Ace said. "He's just down the road."

"A fair way down the road, but close enough. Don't you agree it's much quieter out here? I thought you'd do better in a quiet place where you can hear yourself think," Lucifer said.

Indeed, Ace could hear no traffic noise, or any sort of noise at all. It was a strange sensation after living in much denser suburban areas. "It is quiet, that's for sure. Will I even be accepted here though? Aren't weird eccentrics like me the sort of people who get exiled from little country villages?" 

Lucifer ignored xyr question. "Sit down, will you? I've just got something I think might help - "

Lucifer broke off as they moved Ace over to the sofa and sat xem down. Sitting opposite xem, they took xyr hands and closed their eyes. 

Ace looked at them strangely as xe saw their skin glowing with the Archangel's power. "What're you doing?"

"Shush. I'm fixing your soul. Just shut up and don't move," Lucifer said.

Ace sat there as still as xe could. Xe closed xyr eyes, as if it was the sort of thing xe was meant to do in a situation like this, and when xe did, xe could feel Lucifer reaching out to xyr souls, both the human one and xyr Archangel one. What xe saw was amazing. In xyr mind, xe saw Lucifer, now revealed in xyr true Angelic form, take both souls and merge them into the one being. There were not two Azriels anymore, but only one. Xe suddenly felt like xe was complete, that there was nothing else missing. Xyr body even felt like it was xyrs and not the body of a stranger. It was an overwhelming sensation.

_Who am I? Am I still Azriel?_

Lucifer cupped xyr face. _You are Azriel. You have always been Azriel. You are just one soul now. I think you will find this helps with the madness. You may never be able to manifest for very long - newly incarnated Angels generally can't - but it should help with the psychosis. With the two integrated into the body properly, things should be easier. It is not a cure - only Ha-Shem can grant such a thing - but it will help you live like you are meant to. Your mind will not be so overwhelmed._

Ace wasn't sure xe understood, but xe could already feel the difference within xemself. _Why would you do this for me?_

Lucifer shrugged. _Someone had to. I do actually want you to succeed, in spite of the challenges I'm throwing at you. This will help. Trust the Archangel who knows how to live as a human._

And Ace believed them. Gently, Lucifer brought xem back out of meditation and for the first time in a very long time, Ace did not feel like a stranger. Xe could still feel xyr wings behind xem - xe didn't think those would ever go away for good - but the confusion over who xe was had vanished. Xe was Azriel, an Archangel, and a human being. It did not contradict itself anymore. 

"Thank you," Ace murmured. 

Lucifer smiled and grasped xyr shoulder. "Good luck, Azriel. I know everything seems really daunting right now, but I promise it'll be worth it. You're ready. In your own time, you'll make this happen, and then you'll realise what a difference it makes to your life."

Ace wasn't entirely convinced by their enthusiasm, but xe didn't have the heart to disagree. Xe had Trevor's Love, Lucifer's support, and Charlie's assistance. If they couldn't help xem learn to live like a human, xe didn't know who could. 

"Now, come, Azriel, it's time to fly," Lucifer said, pulling xem to xyr feet.

Ace didn't have time to figure out what Lucifer meant until they were out walking on the streets. Xyr wings beat agitatedly, feeling cheated of a chance to fly, and did their best to slow xem down.

"What did you mean by 'fly'? Are we really flying? Oh, please tell me I can fly again. I've missed it so much," Ace said as they walked.

"Oh, no, nothing like that. You'll never fly until you ascend again. No, I just wanted to show you around, just so you know what's here. It'll be good for you to be here. Just trust me on this, will you?" Lucifer said.

Ace stopped. "Oh, but - no, don't say I can't fly. That's so mean."

Lucifer turned to see xem standing there, looking sullen. "Do hurry up, Azriel. There's a lot to see."

Ace ran after them, not wanting to be left alone in a strange village. "Oh, no, Lucifer wait - "

In spite of xyr protestations, Ace appreciated the walk. Seeing everything the village contained helped xyr feel safer there as they walked, taking in all the houses and cottages on the streets. They didn't see many people, but Ace was reassured that Lucifer was accepted here, and that xe would be too, when xe moved down here. Xe didn't want to feel unwelcome in a new place. Indeed, the women xe met seemed quite happy to meet xem, and greeted xem warmly. 

By the time they got back to the cottage, Ace had three dinner invitations for when xe moved down there, to get to know the locals. Xe was incredibly touched, and Lucifer made xem promise to go. Xyr newly-integrated soul didn't feel as threatened by the prospect as xe might have done before.

* * *

Lucifer and Ace arrived back home in time for lunch, with Charlie, Roy, Rick, and Trevor waiting for them in the kitchen. Ace didn't feel quite like xe needed to flee at the prospect of being with so many people, though. Xe liked that thought, that xe was becoming braver and better able to deal with the world around xyr. As Trevor came to greet xem, xe felt xemself calm down quite a lot. 

"So, how was it? Where'd they take you anyway?" Trevor asked as they sat down to eat.

"Oh, a little cottage in Inkberrow. It's really lovely, Trev, like out of a fairytale. Thatch roof and everything. Lucifer reckons we can make it down there. I don't know about that, but they seem convinced of it. Not sure why. I don't know how I'll live any better there than how I'm doing now," Ae said.

"Oh, you'll have to move down there eventually. Xe got a dinner invite from Mrs Taylor. She won't take kindly to being stood up," Lucifer said.

"Actually, yeah, she was nice, she was. We'll drive down later, hey, Trev? And I'll show you around. So you can see it too. It really is nice, and Lucifer's living so close too, so we won't be on our own," Ace said.

"Sounds good to me. I hope you're not planning to move down there tomorrow though. I'm hardly packed," Trevor said with a grin.

Ace did very much not want to move down there tomorrow. "Oh, no, we need time before that happens. Give us a few months, yeah? Just so we can get settled together. Then we'll think about the move. I'll start teaching you kosher properly, and all the prayers and such. Lucifer says we can have the cottage if we keep kosher, so you're gonna have to know that too. I'll have to ask for forgiveness for the non-kosher food, but if it's what Ha-Shem wants, I'm sure He won't mind. Otherwise, He'd have sent me a Jew, I suspect."

Trevor beamed. "I'm glad Lucifer thinks the same way I do about that. I always thought that was the best way to help you, by keeping those habits too. I'll do my best to live up to those standards. You gotta promise to teach me the Hebrew though. No short-cuts with English, you hear?"

"I like you a lot, lad," Lucifer said, clasping Trevor's shoulder. "I hope you've stopped being terrified of me."

"For the moment, yeah. But I still don't trust you. You're still evil Lucifer to me, the Devil himself," Trevor said.

"You won't think that once you get to know me," Lucifer said. "And I think you'll be just fine, Azriel. He's a smart lad, that Trevor. Knows what he's talking about. Teach him to be a Jew. It'll help you in more ways than you could ever imagine."

Ace smiled a little, then frowned as xe realised xe had no idea where all xyr prayer books were. Xe'd had them a while ago, but then they'd disappeared somewhere in xyr house. "Oh, bollocks. We'll have to tidy up. There are a few things I'm going to need to find if this is going to work. That's before I even think of tackling all the junk in my house before I move. I'm not sure I want to think about that right now, though."

"Call us round, if you like. We'd be happy to help you pack for the move, if you need us," Charlie offered.

Ace looked over at him. It would be easier to do if xe wasn't stuck doing it on xyr own. "Yeah, I'd like that. Thanks."

Trevor brought xem close and pressed a soft kiss to xyr temple. "If you're lucky, we might even find those bloody guitars."

Ace smiled. "I'm sure you could find anything up there if you looked hard enough. I have so much bloody junk."

Trevor brushed off xyr concerns. "Doesn't matter. You leave it to us, yeah? We'll help get it all sorted out. Then we'll move down here, and you'll be alright. We'll make sure of that. You won't be alone, not with us by your side, yeah?"

Ace nodded, unable to articulate just how much that meant to xem. Everything was finally working out, and xe just knew there was no going back, not now. Trevor could fix anything, and xe'd be alright. Xe'd find a new community, and xe'd be alright. With Trevor's love, xe could do anything.


End file.
